10 gadgets women need desperately..IT’S ALL IN FUN
Women's Day has come and
gone and the flags unfurled in our honour have been put back in their boxes.
The women who talk the talk and some who truly walk the walk have already put
in their bid for all the big-ticket items like equal opportunities in society,
employment and education. So, with all the important stuff taken care of, I am
free to wish for a ton of smaller things. Here is my wish-list of inventions
that I think women need. All you Elon Musks of the world, kindly pay heed.
1 A magnifying glass with a built-in laser:
Using the same technol ogy
as Putin's S-400 missiles, it will let you spot, target and destroy stray
strands of hair that have the audacity to sprout overnight on your chin or
upper lip.A zap a day keeps the razor away .
2 A vibrating alarm in our sanitary napkins:
Alright, maybe not
vibrating 'cause that would set us off on another path, but an alarm that syncs
with our smartphone to warn us of `Imminent Overflow', thus saving us the
hundred trips we make to the bathroom `just to check'.
3 An implanted microchip:
When desired, it will stop
the fren zied stream of thoughts washing across our brain and mimic the ability
of the XY chromosomeholders who can stare into blank space and actually think
about nothing. Not the kind of nothing in which you wonder, `Should I exchange
that dress I got from Zara, from medium to small? Because I should be able to
lose 5 kilos by next weekend or maybe I'd better wear it now before everyone
goes and buys it. So how many calories did I eat for lunch, let me count...'
Not that sort of nothing, I mean actually nothing -zero brainwave activity
aside from regulating vital functions.
4 High heels with a button:
So they turn into flats
when re quired, like across gravelly paths and long hotel corridors. With
another tap, the heel slides out again so you can glide into the party with
your legs looking five inches longer as desired, throwing away the no-pain,
no-gain adage, along with bunions and swollen ankles.
5 A weighing machine that can lie:
Not big dramatic lies where
you wonder if you have left Earth and are now under the moon's gravitational
pull; just small white lies, like a kilo or two here and there.
6 A drone trained to spy on your mother-in-law:
It sets off mul
mother-in-law: It sets off multiple alerts each time she is on her way to your
house so that you can make a quick exit and be saved from spouting endless
variations of, `Yes, you are right Mummyji' while cowering with fear at what
she will find fault with next.
7 A pair of cyborg arms to attach to your own two flesh-and-blood
ones:
An absolute must for the
three hours that you have in the evening, after coming back from work and
before going to bed.With this invention, multitasking would be a breeze -draw a
diagram for your daughter's project, throw some marinated chicken into the
oven, make the husband's favorite gin and tonic which apparently doesn't taste
the same when he makes it himself, and slather on the heavily advertised
de-wrinkling face pack that will make you look 10 years younger in 10 minutes.
After a while, you may wonder how you even did it all earlier with just two
arms.
8 A camera with an inbuilt projector embedded in the retina:
To be used on men with
convenient amnesia whenever they say that they have absolutely no recollection
of agreeing to a particular thing. This blanket statement covers everything
from taking the dog to the vet, visiting our second cousin Chunna and going to
see a play called Vagina Monologues. Just turn your steely gaze to a blank wall
and replay that particular recorded incident with the date and time as
irrevocable proof.
9 A pen with inbuilt darts:
Handy when men talk over
you, drowning out your views, or down to you, like you are an imbecile. Point
the pen and a tiny tranquilizer dart discretely flies out across the conference
table and sticks them in the neck causing an immediate allergic reaction with
itchy hives at which point you can always smile sweetly and say, `You know that
looks like a nasty autoimmune disorder, are you sure you are not allergic to
your own bullshit?'
10 A chill pill:
As I sat alone to write
this piece, I heard the old clamouring in my head, telling me that I should
spend this time reading a book to the baby, checking on my son's homework or
looking into the man of the house's dinner, and that I can get back to my task
once they don't need me and have gone to bed.
And I realized that while
all the other gadgets and inventions would be wonderful what we first need is
something that cures guilt. We are so busy being mothers, daughters, sisters,
and wives that the time we spend on ourselves, on our work, is laced with self-reproach.
So, I propose a pill made
in the laboratory of our minds that gets rid of that nagging voice in the head
caused by years of conditioning. Women are capable of juggling multiple balls
in the air, but perhaps it's time to drop the one marked guilt.
TWINKLE KHANNA
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TOI13MAR16
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