What To Do When Life Doesn't Go Your Way (It's Actually a Good
Thing!)
Not where you thought you would be at this stage of your life?
Maybe your dream job turned out to be duller
than a doctor's waiting room, or maybe you just ended a
relationship with the person you thought you’d marry. Whatever it is,
know that you’re not alone.
As a life coach, people come to me for a multitude of reasons.
Their main motivation, however, is always rooted in change. They either want to
shake things up in an innovative way—start a new business, live more mindfully,
explore their passions—or they’re reacting to something unexpected—a job loss,
a breakup, an unexpected transition like a health issue.
The good news? Any of this can have marvelous consequences.
A lot of us have a fixed idea of how our lives “should be.”
Perhaps the relationship we hoped for has eluded us, our career is
unfulfilling, or we don’t feel connected to the world in a meaningful way.
Maybe we feel like a shadow version of the person we know we really are. If any
of this sounds familiar to you, now is a good time to contemplate on what it is
that you really want, to reassess your goals, and to remind yourself that you
are in the driver’s seat of your life.
To get started, you’ll have to do some self-reflection. Ask
yourself: “What does success look like to me?”“What brings me joy?” “What type
of life do I want to lead?” And be honest with yourself—it is very easy to give
conditioned responses based on what you think you “should” want.
Getting real with yourself like this can be a thrilling,
liberating, and energizing experience. If you desire change and you’re
committed to take action, you will be unstoppable. Here are three steps that
can help you make the switch from living your life by default to living your
life by design.
1. Give yourself a break.
Too often we give all of our attention to what we feel is lacking
in our lives. When we do this, we fail to acknowledge what is right in
our lives. As you check in with yourself, you might realize some pretty awesome
things that arrived in your life that were unexpected too. No great
romantic love in
your life? Well, how about all of the love from your friends? Not sure about
your career? Think about who you've met because of it. Apartment too small? OK,
but is it in a city you love? Is it still a marker of your financial
independence?
What we choose to focus on expands. Starting with what is working
is a critical foundation for you to attract more of what you want into your
life. So be kind to yourself, acknowledge what is going your way, and recognize
how far you have come. Trust me—if you pay attention, it’s much further than
you think.
2. Tell a
different story.
Everything shows up for us based on what we believe to be true
about what we deserve. There is nothing more preventative from moving ahead
than living in the past and continuing negative stories that we tell ourselves:
“I am unlucky in love,” “I never have enough money,” “People take advantage of
me.” Breaking free of harmful thought patterns takes a solid dose of
self-awareness. Mentally tune in to an area of your life that is not
satisfying. Ask yourself the thoughts you really think about this area, and be
blatantly honest.
For example, I asked a friend who has never had a serious relationship to
name the words that came to mind when I said “love, commitment, life-long
partnership.” Her response? Words like “rejection,"
"entrapment," and "financial risk.” Well, of course she will
never attract love with these thoughts! She needed to “divorce” her belief that
men let you down. Think of the people you know who feel the same way about
money or health. Get real with the stories you tell yourself—they create your
reality. The beauty of it is, only you control your thoughts. And you can write
a new story in any moment.
3. Get
busy.
Life will never be 100 percent in your control. It can take us all
by surprise. Someone once told me that when you consider all the factors (the
traffic, the weather, the economy, who your parents are), you can actually
control only 20 percent of your life. But you can give 100 percent to that 20
percent. Trusting life’s greater plan does not mean that we have permission to
do nothing. We need to be active. We need to be accountable for the things that
we have the power to direct.
You can control what you eat and drink. You can control whom you
spend time with. You can control how much effort you put into your career. You
can control whether or not you proactively date. You can decide which city to
live in.
And something magical happens when we take action: Doors open and
opportunities come our way. Ask yourself everyday: What can I do today, right
now, that is in line with the vision I have for my life? Remember that the
future is created in the present moment. What we do today matters.
Live in the Moment
From personal experience, I can say that many good things are
borne out of bad experiences. I lost my father when I was 19, and I was
divorced in my early 20s. I would never be the resilient, grateful, present
person that I am at age 31 if it weren't for those life-altering experiences.
They allow me to feel much stronger whenever my life feels uncertain. And
uncertainty in life is always guaranteed.
In unhappy times, remember the clouds will pass. And the sooner
you welcome the sun, the sooner it appears. In my difficult times, I learned
what supportive friends I have, how self-reliant I can be, and how limited our
time on the planet truly is. I also understood that we are all
connected—whatever struggles you experience, other people are going through the
same thing. You can dwell on what isn't going your way, or you can focus on
what you have the power to control.
Think about what would happen if you allowed yourself to live in
the moment and not judge your current circumstances. How might that feel?
Remember that life is not meant to be a series of dreams coming true but a
series of lessons to be learned. At some point you just need to let go of what
you thought should happen and live in what is happening.
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