BOOK SUMMARY 416 Getting to Yes with Yourself
"The
better we are able to get to yes with ourselves, the better we will be able to
get to yes with others."
- Getting to Yes with Yourself, page 169
Do you ever wonder how you can
get what you want while satisfying the needs and concerns of others in your
life at home and at work?
For the past 35 years, William
Ury has served as a negotiation adviser and mediator in conflicts ranging from
boardroom battles to coal mine strikes to wars in the Middle East. He has
taught negotiation strategies to tens of thousands of leaders in business,
government and civil society around the world.
Building on his work in Getting to Yes, he adds one
essential component in his latest book, Getting to Yes with Yourself.
The premise of that component is that the better you are at “getting to yes
with yourself,” the better you will be at getting to yes with others.
Ury proposes that there is
perhaps no factor that has greater impact on our relationships and negotiations
than our underlying attitude toward ourselves, life and others.
The Big Idea
The Big Idea
Six Steps
"As I have personally
experienced, getting to yes with yourself is not just the most challenging, but
the most rewarding negotiation of all."- Getting to Yes with Yourself,
page 11
When you look in the mirror in
the morning, you are seeing the person who is likely to give you the most
trouble that day. As President Theodore Roosevelt said, “If you could kick the
person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for
a month.”
We are reaction machines. We
judge ourselves, blame others, fear scarcity and reject when we feel rejected.
We sabotage ourselves by reacting in ways that do not serve our true interests.
We lose our temper, call someone a liar or lash out, mostly because we have an
underlying win-lose mindset. We assume that either we can get what we want OR
they get what they want—but not both. This comes from a scarcity mindset.
Step back and think: What if you
focused on both sides winning. When we switch to a mindset of abundance, of
satisfying the needs of yourself and of others, that’s when we become our own
best allies. The process of turning ourselves from opponents into allies is
what Ury refers to as getting to yes with yourself.
Ury spent many years studying
what blocks us from satisfying our needs and the needs of others and has
codified what he’s learned into a method with six steps. Each step addresses a
specific internal challenge.
These six steps may seem like
common sense but Ury warns us that they are uncommonly applied! By reviewing
them you can prepare yourself for any challenge the day may bring.
1.
Put yourself in YOUR shoes. Instead of
continually judging yourself, listen empathetically for underlying needs.
2.
Develop your inner BATNA. Instead
of blaming others with whom we are in conflict, take responsibility. Figure out
your best alternative to negotiated agreement
(BATNA) to end up from the negotiation in a place where your needs are met.
3.
Reframe your picture. Instead
of succumbing to the fear of scarcity that exists in almost everyone, change
how you see life. Choose to see life as on your side.
4.
Stay in the zone. Instead of being lost in
resentment for the past and anxiety about the future, be in the present. This
is the only place where you have the power to experience true satisfaction and
opportunity for improvement.
5.
Respect them even if. Resist
the temptation to meet rejection with rejection, attack with attack and
exclusion with exclusion. Instead, surprise others with respect and inclusion
even when they are difficult.
6.
Give and receive. Don’t fall into the
win-lose trap even when resources seem scarce. Instead give first.
Let’s explore just two of the
steps further.
Insight #1
Respect Them
Even If
"I’ve long noticed that the
cheapest concession you can make, the one that costs you the least and yields
the most, is to give respect."- Getting to Yes with Yourself, page 117
I had the opportunity to practice yesterday. Six days before my flight to a speaking gig, my client called to
cancel. It had nothing to do with me but rather internal issues. Her solution
was to simply rebook it to a new date. She bemoaned the fact that she had no
more budget to compensate me for the cancellation. The trouble of course was
that I had three days reserved for her and, on top of that, I had turned down
another opportunity to speak with a significantly bigger audience (and budget).
I was upset and frustrated, but
in the heat of the moment I took a deep breath and reacted with respect and
inclusion. I said “I completely trust you and just know that we will
figure out something that works for us both. Let’s sleep on it and chat again
tomorrow.” The next day I proposed that I spend those three days
working on another project for them. That way the money invested wouldn’t be
going down the drain as a cancellation fee and my days would not be wasted—a
win-win!
What situation do you have in
front of you in which you need to respect them even if…? What if you assume the
best and show them you believe in them?
Insight #2
Give and
Receive
"Paradoxically, it is by
giving that we often receive what we most want."- Getting to Yes with
Yourself, page 155
Ury shares a story of Scott, a
twenty-eight year old picture-perfect success story. He earned lots of money,
wore a Rolex watch, drove a BMW, had a model girlfriend. Then it suddenly hit
him. He was emotionally, spiritually and morally bankrupt. He looked around and
realized no one in his life was happy.
After much soul searching he came
to the truth that “no matter how much we may get, there is never enough.” He
anticipated there would never be enough girls, money or status to achieve the
elusive happiness he sought. His neediness was insatiable when he only thought
about himself and what he could get.
In contrast, he realized that
genuine giving could meet his deepest need to be useful and
connected to others and to make a difference in the world. His big ah-ha was
the paradox truth that it is by giving that we often receive what we most want.
When we connect with our purpose
(or what difference we make in the world), giving can become engrained in the
fabric of our lives. And like a muscle, the giving attitude strengthens with
exercise.
I have seen first-hand the power
of purpose. When the pharma
people I work with get in touch with, articulate and communicate their purpose
to help improve patient outcomes, that’s when they do their best work and are
the happiest. It’s incredible.
If you review and practice the
six steps daily, you will be ready for your toughest situation or negotiation.
Every single day you will have opportunities to change your stance from
win-lose to win-win; to embrace a mindset of abundance.
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