13 Powerful Listening Skills to Improve Your Life at Work and at Home
Listening
is probably one of the most underrated leadership and business skills. We all
know listening is a critical component of our work, but not everyone invests the
time necessary to become a better listener.
Even
when we work to become better listeners, we live in an age of perpetual
distractions. From ever-growing to-do lists to a burning desire to remain
relevant to social media and advances in technology, there are myriad factors
that make deep listening a challenge.
When
I was coming of age, the only advice doled out about listening was to make good
eye contact with the speaker and lean in. The thinking was that leaning in
while a person was speaking would enhance understanding and give the impression
that you were practicing deep listening.
However,
hearing what an individual is communicating involves so much more than what we
do with our bodies. Sure, our body language is critical, but it represents one
piece, not the whole.
Active listening requires several steps:
1. Listen with the intention to
understand.
This
is a key component of active listening. When you listen with the intention to
understand, you listen with an open-mind, versus a prejudged conclusion.
When
you communicate with the intention to understand, you ask appropriately timed
questions (as opposed to interrupting to share a different story) to ensure
that the messages you’re receiving is the one the speaker intends.
Listening
with the intention to understand means going into a conversation with a genuine
interest in grasping what the speaker is communicating and being mindful to
take in all cues from the conversation, such as verbal, nonverbal and what is
spoken openly versus left unsaid.
2. Use interruptions sparingly.
When
practicing active listening, it’s important to use interruptions sparingly.
Allow the speaker to communicate an entire thought before interrupting with
questions or your interpretation of what he or she said.
So
many times, others’ comments will spark thoughts and we’ll interrupt them.
However, if we aren’t careful, interruptions can communicate, “Hey, I know more
than you,” or worse, “You’re taking too long to get to the point and I don’t
have time to listen to what you have to say.”
If
people feel they aren’t or haven’t been heard, they may struggle to establish a
trusting relationship with you.
3. Process what you’ve heard.
Processing
what you are hearing is all about asking yourself whether your own perspective
is unduly shaping what the other person is saying. It is about being honest
enough to know whether you are adding context to what someone else is
communicating.
For
instance, several weeks ago, I had an important dinner meeting with two
business associates. I spent a great deal of time styling my hair and ensuring
that I was polished and presentable. When I walked into the dinner, my
associate said, “oh, your hair has a 1960s look.”
This
was not the style I was going for.
I
immediately heard, “Your hair is ugly.” For a few minutes during the dinner, I
thought about what the person was saying and compared that to what I heard,
which was shaped by my own insecurities about the hairstyle in
question. In the end, I chalked up the difference in communication to me
being overly sensitive.
Had
I not processed the conversation, I very well may have remained stuck in my
head or treated my colleague differently based on what I initially heard as an
insult.
4. Repeat back.
Just
because two people are in a conversation does not mean both parties hear the
same thing. We each bring our own weltanschauung, which is German for “world
view,” to conversations, and this shapes what and how we hear.
If
you are a manager, you have likely been in a situation where you assign a
project to an employee and anticipate its completion. Once finished, you are
mystified to learn that your employee did an excellent job on something you
never requested or needed.
Repeat
backs are an excellent tool to enhance understanding, communicate your interest
in the person speaking and ensure that you heard what the other person
intended.
Repeat
backs work best in one-on-one or small group discussions. If you’re in a
lecture or a large event, you may not have the opportunity to repeat back what
you have heard. However, if you’re in a work setting or meeting with a family
member or friend, practice repeating back what you have heard and asking the
speaker if you correctly captured what he or she said.
The
way it works is simple: You listen to a conversation and try to capture as much
of it as possible.
When
the person you are speaking with finishes his or her remarks, ask if it’s OK
for you to repeat back what you heard the individual say. Then give highlights
of the conversation that convey your understanding. This is great for you and
affirming for the speaker.
5. Limit distractions.
From
cellphones and social media to simultaneous conversations to the television or
music apps, at any given time myriad items are competing for our attention.
If
you are in a conversation, try to limit distractions. Practice focusing on one
thing when someone is speaking with you, and that’s the person talking. While
most people believe they are capable of multitasking, research indicate that no
one does it well.
David
Sanbonmatsu, a University of Utah psychology professor and lead author of a
research study on distraction says:
“People
don’t multitask because they’re good at it. They do it because they are more
distracted.”
In
other words, they have so much going on that they feel forced to do more than
one thing at a time. The result is poor listening skills.
The
next time you are in a conversation, limit the distractions around you. Place
the phone out of reach, silence or tune out the television, and for the next
several minutes, focus exclusively on the person you are in communication with.
Even
if you believe you can do more than one thing well, think about whether the
person speaking to you believes he or she has your full attention. If the
individual does not believe you are listening fully, you may throw off the
person’s train of thought while he or she expends energy thinking about how to
capture your complete attention.
For
instance, in my profession, I am constantly in the position of presenting to
multiple people at a time. When I am speaking to an individual or a group, I
find that I have a hard time staying focused on my remarks if the individuals I
am speaking with are staring at their computer or cellphone.
6. Make good eye contact.
I
have heard plenty of people say they are listening even though their eyes are
on other items rather than the speaker. Active listening is about listening
with all our body and senses.
To
improve or enhance your listening skills, look at the person who is speaking.
Make good eye contact with the individual throughout his or her remarks. This
allows you to take in the words the person is saying as well as the
individual’s facial expressions and gestures.
I
promise you, it is impossible to not glean something from the conversation when
you stay tuned in to the speaker.
7. Lean in.
Before
Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg’s book Lean In, I was taught that
leaning in was an excellent way to signal to a speaker that I was listening to
what he or she was saying.
To
communicate to teachers, colleagues and advisers that I was listening to what
they were saying, I learned to use both my ears and my body.
I
also learned early that if I was tired or otherwise limited in being fully
present, leaning in would give me the bolt of energy necessary to be a better
listener.
I
relish this advice still to this day. When I am in a conversation and I am
particularly interested in what someone is saying, I will lean in as if the two
of us are seated next to or across from one another.
If
I am standing next to the speaker, I will stand close enough to the person to
communicate that I am interested in the conversation and in the individual.
8. Ask clarifying questions.
To
ensure you are hearing what the other person is saying, check in with the
person when he or she is finished speaking with phrases and questions such as
“What I’m hearing you say is …” or “Based on what you just said, is it safe to
assume that ….”
You
may also ask the person, “Where can I go to learn more about that?” Also, if
after hearing a person out completely, you still don’t understand what the
individual was saying, don’t be afraid to say “I don’t understand. Can you
elaborate?”
9. Get curious.
Some
of the best discoveries have been made because an innovator became curious.
While curiosity is a blessing in innovation, it’s also helpful in listening.
When
you become curious, you are eager for more information. You pay attention to
the subtleties and the blatant messages. Even when the conversation ends, the
curious mind continues to process what you have heard.
10. Put yourself in the other person’s
shoes.
It
is difficult but necessary to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. It is
required if you want to be an active listener.
To
be an active listener is to temporarily imagine you are walking the other
person’s path and feeling what that individual feels. Active listening is about
developing empathy for the person speaking.
When
you imagine confronting life through the speaker’s lens, it will be easier to
listen with interest.
11. Suspend judgment.
To
practice active listening, you must suspend judgment.
When
you sit in a place of judgment, you draw predetermined conclusions. During a
conversation, you are then listening to find information that supports the
conclusion you have already reached.
When
this happens, it is difficult to really hear what another person is saying. It
is almost as if you are playing bingo and you are listening only for the words
on your bingo sheet.
Anything
else is a distraction because you are on a mission. Suspending judgment doesn’t
mean you listen without discernment. It means you listen for the possibility of
being wrong. It means you listen with an open mind.
It
is impossible to practice deep listening without a willingness to suspend
judgment.
12. Take notes.
One
way to keep from interrupting a person when they are speaking is taking notes.
Notes
allow you to retain your own thoughts, while noting areas for follow-up with
the speaker. They also communicate to the person you are speaking with that you
are listening to what they are saying.
13. Give up the need to be right.
When
you are committed to winning an argument, you enter the conversation fully
invested in winning. You actually aren’t capable of hearing what the other
person says because you are persuaded that you are right.
However,
active listening requires giving up the need to be right. You will be surprised
how much you are able to actually hear the other party when you are not vested
in having your way.
While
I know the distractions facing you won’t evaporate overnight, you are stronger
than every distraction you face.
With
practice and tools, you can become a better listener. Your family, friends and
colleagues will thank you for it. And who knows, maybe they will be inspired by
you and work to become better listeners themselves.
27aug18
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