Eight Keys to Forgiveness
Forgiveness can be
incredibly difficult. Robert Enright explains where to start.
When another person hurts
us, it can upend our lives.
ometimes the hurt is very
deep, such as when a spouse or a parent betrays our trust, or when we
are victims of crime, or when we’ve been harshly bullied. Anyone who has
suffered a grievous hurt knows that when our inner world is badly disrupted,
it’s difficult to concentrate on anything other than our turmoil or pain. When
we hold on to hurt, we are emotionally and cognitively hobbled, and our
relationships suffer.
Forgiveness is strong
medicine for this. When life hits us hard, there is nothing as effective as
forgiveness for healing deep wounds. I would not have spent the last 30 years
of my life studying forgiveness if I were not convinced of this.
Many people have
misconceptions about what forgiveness really means—and they may eschew it.
Others may want to forgive, but wonder whether or not they truly can.
Forgiveness does not necessarily come easily; but it is possible for many of us
to achieve, if we have the right tools and are willing to put in the effort.
Below is an outline of the
basic steps involved in following a path of forgiveness, adapted from my new
book, 8 Keys to Forgiveness. As you
read through these steps, think about how you might adapt them to your own
life.
1. Know what forgiveness is and why it
matters
Forgiveness is about
goodness, about extending mercy to those who’ve harmed us, even if they don’t
“deserve” it. It is not about finding excuses for the offending person’s
behavior or pretending it didn’t happen. Nor is there a quick formula you can
follow. Forgiveness is a process with many steps that often proceeds in a
non-linear fashion.
But it’s well worth the
effort. Working on forgiveness can help us increase our self-esteem and give us
a sense of inner strength and safety. It can reverse the lies that we often
tell ourselves when someone has hurt us deeply—lies like, I am
defeated or I’m not worthy. Forgiveness can heal us and allow us to
move on in life with meaning and purpose. Forgiveness matters, and we will be
its primary beneficiary.
Studies have shown that
forgiving others produces strong psychological benefits for the one who
forgives. It has been shown to decrease depression, anxiety, unhealthy anger,
and the symptoms of PTSD. But we don’t just forgive to help ourselves.
Forgiveness can lead to psychological healing, yes; but, in its essence, it is
not something about you or done for you. It is something you extend toward
another person, because you recognize, over time, that it is the best response
to the situation.
2. Become “forgivingly fit”
To practice forgiveness,
it helps if you have worked on positively changing your inner world by learning
to be what I call “forgivingly fit.” Just as you would start slowly with a new
physical exercise routine, it helps if you build up your forgiving heart
muscles slowly, incorporating regular “workouts” into your everyday life.
You can start becoming
more fit by making a commitment to do no harm—in other words, making a
conscious effort not to talk disparagingly about those who’ve hurt you. You
don’t have to say good things; but, if you refrain from talking negatively, it
will feed the more forgiving side of your mind and heart.
You can also make a
practice of recognizing that every person is unique, special, and
irreplaceable. You may come to this through religious beliefs or a humanist
philosophy or even through your belief in evolution. It’s important to
cultivate this mindset of valuing our common humanity, so that it becomes
harder to discount someone who has harmed you as unworthy.
You can show love in small
ways in everyday encounters—like smiling at a harried grocery cashier or taking
time to listen to a child. Giving love when it’s unnecessary helps to build the
love muscle, making it easier to show compassion toward everyone. If you
practice small acts of forgiveness and mercy—extending care when someone harms
you—in everyday life, this too will help. Perhaps you can refrain from honking
when someone cuts you off in traffic, or hold your tongue when your spouse
snaps at you and extend a hug instead.
Sometimes pride and power
can weaken your efforts to forgive by making you feel entitled and inflated, so
that you hang onto your resentment as a noble cause. Try to catch yourself when
you are acting from that place, and choose forgiveness or mercy, instead. If
you need inspiration, it can help to seek out stories of mercy in the world by
going to the International Forgiveness Institute website: www.internationalforgiveness.com.
3. Address your inner pain
It’s important to figure
out who has hurt you and how. This may seem obvious; but not every action that
causes you suffering is unjust. For example, you don’t need to forgive your
child or your spouse for being imperfect, even if their imperfections are
inconvenient for you.
To become clearer, you can
look carefully at the people in your life—your parents, siblings, peers,
spouse, coworkers, children, and even yourself—and rate how much they have hurt
you. Perhaps they have exercised power over you or withheld love; or maybe they
have physically harmed you. These hurts have contributed to your inner pain and
need to be acknowledged. Doing this will give you an idea of who needs
forgiveness in your life and provide a place to start.
There are many forms of
emotional pain; but the common forms are anxiety, depression, unhealthy anger,
lack of trust, self-loathing or low self-esteem, an overall negative worldview,
and a lack of confidence in one’s ability to change. All of these harms can be
addressed by forgiveness; so it’s important to identify the kind of pain you
are suffering from and to acknowledge it. The more hurt you have incurred, the
more important it is to forgive, at least for the purpose of experiencing
emotional healing.
You may be able to do this
accounting on your own, or you may need the help of a therapist. However you
approach looking at your pain be sure you do it in an environment that feels
safe and supportive.
4. Develop a forgiving mind through
empathy
Scientists have studied
what happens in the brain when we think about forgiving and have discovered
that, when people successfully imagine forgiving someone (in a hypothetical
situation), they show increased activity in the neural circuits responsible for
empathy. This tells us that empathy is connected to forgiveness and is an important
step in the process.
If you examine some of the
details in the life of the person who harmed you, you can often see more
clearly what wounds he carries and start to develop empathy for him. First, try
to imagine him as an innocent child, needing love and support. Did he get that
from the parents? Research has shown that if an infant does not receive
attention and love from primary caregivers, then he will have a weak
attachment, which can damage trust. It may prevent him from ever getting close
to others and set a trajectory of loneliness and conflict for the rest of his
life.
You may be able to put an
entire narrative together for the person who hurt you—from early child through
adulthood—or just imagine it from what you know. You may be able to see her
physical frailties and psychological suffering, and begin to understand the
common humanity that you share. You may recognize her as a vulnerable person
who was wounded and wounded you in return. Despite what she may have done to
hurt you, you realize that she did not deserve to suffer, either.
Recognizing that we all
carry wounds in our hearts can help open the door to forgiveness.
5. Find meaning in your suffering
When we suffer a great
deal, it is important that we find meaning in what we have endured. Without
seeing meaning, a person can lose a sense of purpose, which can lead to
hopelessness and a despairing conclusion that there is no meaning to life
itself. That doesn’t mean we look for suffering in order to grow or try to find
goodness in another’s bad actions. Instead, we try to see how our suffering has
changed us in a positive way.
Even as one suffers, it’s
possible to develop short-term and sometimes long-range goals in life. Some
people begin to think about how they can use their suffering to cope, because
they’ve become more resilient or brave. They may also realize that their
suffering has altered their perspective regarding what is important in life,
changing their long-range goals for themselves.
To find meaning is not to
diminish your pain or to say, I’ll just make the best of it or All things
happen for a reason. You must always take care to address the woundedness in
yourself and to recognize the injustice of the experience, or forgiveness will
be shallow.
Still, there are many ways
to find meaning in our suffering. Some may choose to focus more on the beauty
of the world or decide to give service to others in need. Some may find meaning
by speaking their truth or by strengthening their inner resolve. If I were to
give one answer, it would be that we should use our suffering to become more
loving and to pass that love onto others. Finding meaning, in and of itself, is
helpful for finding direction in forgiveness.
6. When forgiveness is hard, call upon
other strengths
Forgiveness is always hard
when we are dealing with deep injustices from others. I have known people who
refuse to use the word forgiveness because it just makes them so angry. That’s
OK—we all have our own timelines for when we can be merciful. But if you want
to forgive and are finding it hard, it might help to call upon other resources.
First remember that if you
are struggling with forgiveness, that doesn’t mean you’re a failure at
forgiveness. Forgiveness is a process that takes time, patience, and
determination. Try not to be harsh on yourself, but be gentle and foster a
sense of quiet within, an inner acceptance of yourself. Try to respond to
yourself as you would to someone whom you love deeply.
Surround yourself with
good and wise people who support you and who have the patience to allow you
time to heal in your own way. Also, practice humility—not in the sense of
putting yourself down, but in realizing that we are all capable of imperfection
and suffering.
Try to develop courage and
patience in yourself to help you in the journey. Also, if you practice bearing
small slights against you without lashing out, you give a gift to everyone—not
only to the other person, but to everyone whom that person may harm in the
future because of your anger. You can help end the cycle of inflicting pain on
others.
If you are still finding
it hard to forgive, you can choose to practice with someone who is easier to
forgive—maybe someone who hurt you in a small way, rather than deeply.
Alternatively, it can be better to focus on forgiving the person who is at the
root of your pain—maybe a parent who was abusive, or a spouse who betrayed you.
If this initial hurt impacts other parts of your life and other relationships,
it may be necessary to start there.
7. Forgive yourself
Most of us tend to be
harder on ourselves than we are on others and we struggle to love ourselves. If
you are not feeling lovable because of actions you’ve taken, you may need to
work on self-forgiveness and offer to yourself what you offer to others who
have hurt you: a sense of inherent worth, despite your actions.
In self-forgiveness, you
honor yourself as a person, even if you are imperfect. If you’ve broken your
personal standards in a serious way, there is a danger of sliding into
self-loathing. When this happens, you may not take good care of yourself—you
might overeat or oversleep or start smoking or engage in other forms of
“self-punishment.” You need to recognize this and move toward self-compassion.
Soften your heart toward yourself.
After you have been able
to self-forgive, you will also need to engage in seeking forgiveness from
others whom you’ve harmed and right the wrongs as best as you can. It’s
important to be prepared for the possibility that the other person may not be
ready to forgive you and to practice patience and humility. But, a sincere
apology, free of conditions and expectations, will go a long way toward your
receiving forgiveness in the end.
8. Develop a forgiving heart
When we overcome
suffering, we gain a more mature understanding of what it means to be humble,
courageous, and loving in the world. We may be moved to create an atmosphere of
forgiveness in our homes and workplaces, to help others who’ve been harmed
overcome their suffering, or to protect our communities from a cycle of hatred
and violence. All of these choices can lighten the heart and bring joy to one’s
life.
Some people may believe
that love for another who’s harmed you is not possible. But, I’ve found that
many people who forgive eventually find a way to open their hearts. If you shed
bitterness and put love in its place, and then repeat this with many, many
other people, you become freed to love more widely and deeply. This kind of
transformation can create a legacy of love that will live on long after
you’re gone
By Robert Enright http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/eight_keys_to_forgiveness?utm_source=GGSC+Newsletter+%232+-+October++2015&utm_campaign=GG+Newsletter+%232++-+October+2015&utm_medium=email
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