9 Phrases Smart People Never Use In Conversation
These seemingly benign comments lead to the awful feeling
that only comes when you've planted your foot firmly into your mouth.
We've all said
things that people interpreted much differently than we thought they would.
These seemingly benign comments lead to the awful feeling that only comes when
you've planted your foot firmly into your mouth.
Verbal
slip-ups often occur because we say things without knowledge of the subtle
implications they carry. Understanding these implications requires social awareness--the ability to pick up on the
emotions and experiences of other people.
TalentSmart has
tested the emotional intelligence (EQ) of more than a million people and
discovered that social awareness is a skill in which many of us are lacking.
We lack social
awareness because we're so focused on what we're going to say next--and how
what other people are saying affects us--that we completely lose sight of other
people.
This is a
problem because people are complicated. You can't hope to understand someone
until you focus all of your attention in his or
her direction.
The beauty of
social awareness is that a few simple adjustments to what you say can vastly
improve your relationships with other people.
To that end,
there are some phrases that emotionally intelligent people are careful to avoid in casual conversation.
The following phrases are nine of the worst offenders. You should avoid them at
all costs.
1. "You look tired."
Tired people
are incredibly unappealing--they have droopy eyes and messy hair, they have
trouble concentrating, and they're as grouchy as they come. Telling someone he
looks tired implies all of the above and then some.
Instead say: "Is
everything okay?" Most people ask if someone is tired because they're
intending to be helpful (they want to know if the other person is okay). Instead
of assuming someone's disposition, just ask. This way, he can open up and
share. More importantly, he will see you as concerned instead of rude.
2. "Wow, you've lost a ton
of weight!"
Once again, a
well-meaning comment--in this case a compliment--creates the impression that
you're being critical. Telling someone that she has lost a lot of weight
suggests that she used to look fat or unattractive.
Instead say: "You look
fantastic." This one
is an easy fix. Instead of comparing how she looks now to how she used to look,
just compliment her for looking great. It takes the past right out of the
picture.
3. "You were too good for
her anyway."
When someone
severs ties with a relationship of any type, personal or professional, this
comment implies he has bad taste and made a poor choice in the first place.
Instead say: "Her
loss!" This
provides the same enthusiastic support and optimism without any implied
criticism.
4. "You always..." or
"You never..."
No one always
or never does anything. People don't see themselves as one-dimensional, so you
shouldn't attempt to define them as such. These phrases make people defensive
and closed off to your message, which is a really bad thing because you likely
use these phrases when you have something important to discuss.
Instead say: Simply point out what the other
person did that's a problem for you. Stick to the facts. If the frequency of
the behavior is an issue, you can always say, "It seems like you do this
often." or "You do this often enough for me to notice."
5. "You look great for
your age."
Using
"for your" as a qualifier always comes across as condescending and
rude. No one wants to be smart for an athlete or in good shape relative to
other people who are also knocking on death's door. People simply want to be smart
and fit.
Instead say: "You look
great." This one
is another easy fix. Genuine compliments don't need qualifiers.
6. "As I said
before..."
We all forget
things from time to time. This phrase makes it sound as if you're insulted at
having to repeat yourself, which is hard on the recipient (someone who is
genuinely interested in hearing your perspective). Getting insulted over having
to repeat yourself suggests that either you're insecure or you think you're
better than everyone else (or both!). Few people who use this phrase actually
feel this way.
Instead say: When you say it again, see
what you can do to convey the message in a clearer and more interesting manner.
This way they'll remember what you said.
7. "Good luck."
This is a
subtle one. It certainly isn't the end of the world if you wish someone good
luck, but you can do better because this phrase implies that they need luck to
succeed.
Instead say: "I know you
have what it takes." This is better than wishing her luck because
suggesting that she has the skills needed to succeed provides a huge boost of
confidence. You'll stand out from everyone else who simply wishes her luck.
8. "It's up to you."
or "Whatever you want."
While you may
be indifferent to the question, your opinion is important to the person asking
(or else he wouldn't have asked you in the first place).
Instead say: "I don't have
a strong opinion either way, but a couple things to consider are..." When you offer an opinion
(even without choosing a side), it shows that you care about the person asking.
9. "Well at least I've
never ___."
This phrase is
an aggressive way to shift attention away from your mistake by pointing out an
old, likely irrelevant mistake the other person made (and one you should have
forgiven her for by now).
Instead say: "I'm
sorry." Owning up to your mistake is the
best way to bring the discussion to a more rational, calm place so that you can
work things out. Admitting guilt is an amazing way to prevent escalation.
Bringing It All Together
In everyday conversation,
it's the little things that make all the difference. Try these suggestions out,
and you'll be amazed at the positive response you get.
BY TRAVIS
BRADBERRY
http://www.inc.com/travis-bradberry/9-phrases-smart-people-never-use-in-conversation.html
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