MOTHER SPECIAL ......................Mom or friend?

 Mom or friend? 

It’s tricky to strike a balance between being an effective authority and a pal your child can confide in. How can a modern mother strike a balance?

    It’s great to have a friendly, happy and productive relationship with your child, but it isn’t as simple as it seems. Striking a balance between being a mother and a friend can be tricky.
    “When the child is young, the relationship between the mother and the child is uncomplicated. The child believes their mother is their protector, provider and the person whom they can go to, for seeking answers. The mother has unconditional
love. But as the child grows older, the equation changes – especially during teenage years,” says Bharatanatyam exponent Savitha Sastry, who has managed to be a great companion to her child, and a doting mother.
    Teens often view their parent as the enemy as they lay down the rules while the child is craving independence. Adolescents become secretive about their lives, which is why mothers — even the disciplinarian ones — try to develop a friendly bond, hoping the son or daughter will look at her as a confidante and open up. But what does being a ‘friend mom’ mean? Delhi-based psychologist Harsheen Arora says, “Being a friendly mother simply means accepting your children for who they are and supporting and respecting them. When you respect your children and treat them as an individual, give
them space and privacy, they appreciate you and find you more approachable.” As a mother, you may try to warn your child against dating or bad company, but everyone has to go through their own experiences to learn from life. “Don’t lock your teen child in a room or threaten them if they make a mistake. Remember, this is just a phase of life. As a teen, even you may have been rebellious in many ways. You’ll know how they feel,” says Arora.
    At the same time, being friendly with your child doesn’t mean you go overboard and be so ‘open’ and ‘cool’ that he/she stops respecting you and develops a kuch bhi chalta hai attitude. A mother still needs to set an example and be a role model, along with being a friend. Says psychiatrist Dr Anjali Chhabria, “Since you are like a friend to your child, you may avoid confronting or punishing them for their wrongdoings, but that shouldn’t be the case. Make sure the child understands that being a friend doesn’t mean you have ceased to be a mother. There has to be discipline and boundaries, like in any other relationship.”
    The most important thing to remember is that no matter how friendly a mother’s relationship is with the child, it’s not the same as the child’s friendship with someone their own age. Since the mother and child are never in the same stage of life at the same time, the relationship is never equal.
    Inputs by relationship expert Dr Seema Hingorrany & psychiatrist Dr Harish Shetty.
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