Four Steps to Feeling Better about
Yourself
Self-criticism and low self-worth can hold us
back. Here’s how to start banishing those negative beliefs.
What gives you a sense of self-worth?
Data from my well-being
survey recently revealed that positive self-views (or feeling good about oneself, a general belief
that we are good, worthwhile human beings) were the best predictor
of happiness—even more so than 19 other emotional
processes including gratitude and strong personal relationships. Positive
self-views emerge from self-esteem, self-acceptance, and self-worth,
among other things.
Why are positive self-views so essential to
well-being? Because these views not only affect how we feel; they also affect
our thoughts and behaviors. When we feel bad about ourselves, we unconsciously
act in ways that end up confirming our
beliefs. For example, if we feel like we are not good enough for a good
relationship, a good job, or financial stability, we stop pursuing these goals
with the intensity required to reach them, or we sabotage ourselves along the way.
So how do we break out of the negative cycle?
Below I highlight four ways that you can start to promote positive self-views
and begin to change the patterns of your life.
1. Figure out your needs
When we don’t feel good about ourselves, it’s
easy to think that there’s something fundamentally wrong with us; it feels
deeply rooted and unchangeable. In reality, though, we may have failed to
clarify (and then pursue) exactly what would make us feel like a person that we
could love.
People tend to feel badly about themselves
when they feel powerless
to get their needs met—so you can start this
process by figuring out what your needs are. But be careful: It’s important
that we don’t start demanding that the people in our lives fulfill our every
want. Rather, clarify for
yourself what you need. What people, places,
or experiences are must-haves to live a fulfilling life? What aspects of your
life—if removed—would leave you without a sense of purpose? Really think
carefully about this and try not to consider others’ needs right now.
Now, every person has different needs. For
example, many people feel that they need to have children; this is one of those
things that they need to do in this life to feel whole. Other
people need to travel. I personally need to love what I do for a living.
Without this, my life would feel meaningless to me. But everyone is
different.
If you’re having a hard time figuring out
your needs, just reflect on times in your life when you weren’t thriving. What
was missing?
2. Live authentically
You figured out your needs already, right? If
your needs are being met, this step is easy. Just keep them in mind, and don’t
stray too far from living a life that is authentically
yours.
But what if your needs aren’t being met? You
have to start thinking about how you will communicate your
needs, how you will start creating a life that
meets your needs, and what you will do if people in your life can’t meet
those needs.
This step was really hard for me. I
discovered that some of my core needs were not being met. It was easier in many
ways to just go with the flow than to be more direct about exactly what I needed and exactly what would
happen in the future if those needs weren’t met. I drew some scary lines in the
sand and clarified for myself exactly what my deal breakers were—deal breakers
for my friendships, my marriage, and my work life. At the same time, I
discovered that I had been pushing to get my wants met, even though they were
not so important. I prioritized, focused, and communicated my needs with brutal
honesty, and I let everything else go.
It’s funny how standing up for yourself and
living a life that is authentically yours generates positive self-views. I now
have more positive views of myself because I pushed for what matters to me. It
was terrifying to put myself first, but it was worth it.
3. Forgive yourself
Now that you understand your needs and have a
plan for getting them met, you are on your way to feeling that sense of self-assuredness
that comes from having control over
your own life. You’re moving in the right direction. But what about those past
mistakes? You know, those things you’re not so proud of? Almost everyone has
said something hurtful, forgotten an important event, or betrayed someone they
love.
We have to remember that our mistakes do not
define us. They do not make us good people or bad people. If we learn and grow
from them, then they make us better people. To develop
positive self-views, you must keep in mind that everyone makes mistakes. Forgive yourself, and give yourself credit for trying not to make the
same mistakes again.
4. Celebrate your quirks
Each of us is one of a kind. When we cherish our
eccentricities and celebrate our flaws, we
begin to develop a deep love for ourselves just as we are. Instead of focusing
on all the things wrong with us, self-celebration enables us to derive deep
satisfaction from being uniquely us. Practice self-celebration by enjoying your
awkward laugh or poking fun at your inability to remember people’s names. Or
you can do as I do, and smile big for pictures to show off your buck tooth.
While celebrating your quirks, don’t forget
to keep growing. Keep your eyes and ears open to the people you trust. Listen
when they tell you that you have work to do on yourself. It doesn’t make you
bad, just human. People you care about will be the ones that help you
distinguish between flaws that need acceptance and flaws that need fixing.
(Remember, you want others to get their needs met, too.) This part is crucial,
and it keeps us from sliding out of self-love and into complacency.
In sum, feeling positively about ourselves
takes effort. But by changing our views, we can change our lives.
By Tchiki Davis
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/four_steps_to_feeling_better_about_yourself?utm_source=GG+Newsletter+Oct+19%2C+2016&utm_campaign=GG+Newsletter+Oct+19+2016&utm_medium=email
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