The Complexities of Marriage: Two Dynamics that can Damage your
Relationship
While marriage can be an exceptionally
rewarding endeavour, however, it is also exceptionally complex and fraught with
numerous, toxic dynamics. Along with the numerous independent interactions and
responsibilities that bind married couples, these dynamics can undermine
relationships and ultimately end even the most stable unions. According to
Peter Pearson, a therapists and co-founder of the Couples Institute,
however, more
than 60% of couples that he deals with find themselves
stuck in one of two such dynamics.
So what exactly are these dynamics and how do they manifest
themselves? Let’s take a look:
A Conflict-avoidant Dynamic
The first is known as a conflict-avoidant
dynamic, which is defined by fear and a situation where the consequences and
emotional of speaking out outweighs the potential benefits of engaging in
discussion. Such a dynamic usually develops between a dominant and submissive
partner, with the latter gradually becoming compliant as they compromise their
own thoughts, dreams and desires in order to retain the favour of the former.
Toxic in the extreme, such a dynamic can manifests itself through anything from
purchase and interior design choices to decisions concerning relocating or
starting a family.
This does not necessarily means that one
partner is controlling over the other, however, but more that each individual’s
core value sets and instincts begin to emerge as they spend time in a
relationship. This brings out reflex coping mechanisms and instinctive
behaviour, leading to a communications breakdown and the decline of a marriage.
Over time, the only way to avoid such a fate is to go through what is known as
a process of differentiation, through which both parties strive to recognise
the character traits of both themselves and their partners.
This enables couples to understand the
differences that exist within their relationship, while empowering both parties
to allow for these and push positive communication. Given that
conflict-avoidance is one of they key, underlying causes of divorce in the
modern age, this is a process that couples should strive to go through during
their marriages.
A Hostile-dependent Dynamic
A hostile-dependent dynamic is another of the
primary causes of divorce, and it is most likely to occur in couples where both
parties are of high dominance. In this type of relationship, both individuals seek to take
control and push their own views within the relationship, without listening or
empathising with the other.
One of the most obvious manifestations of
this is the development of a blame culture, whether both parties indulge in
finger-pointing and unnecessary accusations. So as couples begin to argue more,
each member of a hostile-dependent dynamic will attempt to define the problem
from a subjective perspective and determine faults in their partner.
A similar resolution is required in this
instance, although conflict resolution is made far harder by the relatively
dominant and stubborn mind-set of both partners. Compromise is the key word
here, as it is crucial that each individual recognises their own faults and the
impact that these have on their relationship. Most importantly, they must learn
to consider arguments and disputes from an objective perspective, while also
listening to the views of their loved ones.
The Last Word
While these two toxic dynamics are among the
most common causes of divorce and relationship issues, they are not
insurmountable so long as couples are willing to work at improving their
marriage. Communication and a willingness to listen are crucial, as is taking
the time to understanding each other’s innate value sets and outlook on life.
BY LEWIS HUMPHRIES http://www.lifehack.org/
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