How to Communicate Harsh Things
Without Causing Resentment
I recently read a book called “Leadership
& Self Deception” by the Arbinger Institute. It explains how self-deception
is the most pervasive problem in organizations today. It gave some of the
following examples of types of people who suffer from self-deception:
·
Someone who thinks they know things, when
they’re really mistaken.
·
Someone who thinks they’re making a positive
contribution, when they’re really polluting the workspace with their attitude.
·
Someone who feels they are a victim in a
conflict situation, when they’re really the perpetrator.
Maybe you’ve suffered from the low self-awareness of people around
you.
And if you have, then you know how important
it is, especially when it comes to being persuasive, or to refine the way
we choose to communicate. Learning how to communicate
more consciously might save you a relationship, a partnership, or a
hurtful misunderstanding between you and someone you care about.
Now, in my opinion, one of the most
thought-provoking insights from this book comes in the form of a conversation
between a character named “Bud” and a character named “Tom.” Bud is
telling Tom about an argument he had with his wife:
“After a while, Nancy and I had actually
worked our ways to opposite sides of the room, I was tiring of our little
“discussion,” which was making me late for work, and decided to apologize
and put an end to it. I walked over to her and said, “I’m sorry, Nancy,”
and bent down to kiss her. “Our lips met, if at all, only for a
millisecond. It was the world’s shortest kiss. I didn’t intend it that
way, but it was all either of us could muster.” “You don’t mean it,” she said
quietly, as I backed slowly away. And she was right, of course.”
—”Leadership and Self-Deception” by the Arbinger Institute
The reason this story is interesting to me is
because I feel like it goes to the heart of many interpersonal conflicts.
Someone feels neglected.
And it might not even be intentional. I’m
sure Bud does care about his wife’s wellbeing. However, in that moment, he
did not care. And she felt it.
It’s just a story but, doesn’t it make you
think about partners in yourlife? Friendships in your life? Parenting
in your life?
All those relationships where caring matters,
but where we so often neglect to express it adequately. It’s not
hard to link this to the human instinct of having our own needs met; I mean, if
someone’s not showing reasonable consideration for your condition, why should
you and I reasonably consider theirs? But see, that’s the thinking that
often leads us to hurt other people in the way we communicate, even
when we do mean well. No one wants to make the first step; no
one wants to risk being left out in the cold.
If you try to see things from their
perspective, they might take advantage and get comfortable, or they might never
learn from their mistakes. Now, the thing is: there is a way to be considerate
and get your point across:
Communicate how much you care.
I’ll never forget my high school biology
teacher and how he motivated me to improve my scores over my senior
year. I had had him during my junior year as well, so he pretty much knew
what my “normal” output was. That’s why he reacted so strongly to me
getting a pitiful F on the very first test.
I very clearly remember the comment he left
on my test paper in red ink: “Get to work!!!!!!!!” (With precisely 8
exclamation marks)
Now, to be honest, under normal
circumstances, this approach should not have worked to motivate me at
all. I mean I know myself, and this is not the way to do it. But that’s
not all he did. I had a good relationship with this teacher in the past,
and because he was willing to communicate the following:
·
Belief in my potential
·
Appreciation for my efforts
·
Encouragement
— and all of that throughout the year, it
ended up working.
Giving to receive.
He wasn’t just being tough that day; in fact,
when I realized (over time) how much he truly believed that I could do well, I
felt almost obliged to not disappoint him. I thought to myself: “Damn, so
he wasn’t just trying to make me look bad? He thinks I can actually “get to
work” and do great. Well, I mean I guess…” I realized after a few
discussions and certain interactions in class that it wasn’t just
tough talk he had for me; rather, it was actually tough love. He
appreciated me as a student, respected me as a person, and saw me as one of the
“better ones” with just a slight “launch incident.”
Needless to say, I made biology a higher
priority that year (over video games), and actually ended up graduating at the
top of my class in that subject — all because this teacher had been able to
show me the tough love and consideration that I needed to feel
motivated. If this experience and the book I mentioned taught me anything,
it’s that it’s possible to make a powerful impression on someone
without causing an insidious resentful reaction. And it all comes down to your
ability to communicate your warm regards and positive expectations for
people.
You might recognize their efforts,
perhaps acknowledge their past good deeds, and certainly show appreciation
for their current efforts. Then you can (safely) crack the whip.
ALEX MOMBO
http://www.lifehack.org/432613/how-to-communicate-harsh-things-without-causing-resentment?ref=mail&mtype=daily_newsletter&mid=20160901_customized&uid=687414&email=drmsriram%40yahoo.com&action=click
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