8 Mistakes That Amazingly Confident People Never Make
What is self-confidence? Is it an
over-inflated sense of self, the ability to smooth-talk, and the
arrogance that you’re always right? Is it self-esteem from the opinions of
others?
Or is it the ability to handle any
situation–including failure–because of a positive mindset, keen self-awareness,
and willingness to ask for help?
Genuinely confident people develop
confidence naturally through practiced effort and self-discipline,
with the knowledge that adversity is inevitable, and with a single-minded focus
to help others.
I used to be very socially awkward. Then I
started to work on my public speaking skills, through speaking organizations,
training, books, practice, and speech contests. Eventually, others asked me for
help. Through this process of hard work and mentoring others to be successful,
I became much more confident.
You can’t create confidence out of thin air.
It’s the process of authentic self-improvement and helping others that leads to
confidence.
With that in mind, here are 8 mistakes
that truly, amazingly confident people never make.
1. They don’t care what others think
Truly confident people frankly don’t give
credence to the judgment of others. That’s not to say they don’t listen to
advice or feedback. On the contrary. Confident people seek out legitimate,
constructive feedback.
But confident people derive their pride,
satisfaction, and happiness from within. They’re confident in the stoic,
inner pride sort of way, not the “look how great I am” glory-hounding
external-validation sort of way.
Part of this discipline comes from an ability
to destroy negative thoughts (limiting beliefs) that are often centered on what we think others
feel about us. Confident people don’t compare themselves to others.
You are who you are at this moment, and if
you’re taking action and doing your best to provide value to the world, it
doesn’t matter how you measure up to everyone else.
Confident people give the same leeway to
others, avoiding judgment in favor of recognizing that everyone has expertise
to bring to the table.
2. They don’t think they’re always right
A big ego leads to false confidence. It’s a
house of cards waiting to collapse at the first sign of adversity. False
confidence leads to taking vastly miscalculated risks that ultimately lead to
catastrophe affecting everyone around you.
Genuine confidence comes from the process of
learning, which naturally assumes you don’t know everything.
Wilbur and Orville Wright, the pioneers of
flight, were extremely curious. They also lacked a college education. This gave
them the confidence to reject the “expertise” of the time by questioning and
testing everything. At every turn, the Wright brothers knew they didn’t have an
answer, so they constantly engaged in discussions and experiments to learn.
The Wrights were only “right” about knowing
that they didn’t know everything.
Truly confident people put the truth first,
which sometimes means being proved wrong. And that’s a good thing.
3. They don’t talk more than they listen
Confident people don’t have a chip on their
shoulder. There’s no need to prove yourself, because the most important part
about interacting with others is the process itself.
Every interaction is an opportunity to learn.
The best way to learn is to listen!
Truly confident people cultivate the skill of
active listening, and they listen much more than they talk. When you’re always
talking, you’re always pushing. The irony is that people will want to
hear what you have to say if you’re seen as helpful.
Coach Michael Burt calls this being
a Person of Interest:
It’s about having something so valuable that
makes other people want a piece of you and it. It is about being perceived as
the expert by what you project to the world…People want to buy you a cup of
coffee, pick your brain, spend 30 minutes with you on a webinar, and hear what
you have to say.
In other words, confident people–rather than
talking and selling–instead offer something so compelling that others are
willing to come to them. They listen, learn, and form deep, meaningful
connections.
This gives them knowledge, genuine
likability, and authentic confidence.
4. They don’t go it alone
Genuinely confident people don’t succumb to
the “Superhero” fallacy–that success only comes from going it alone.
Instead, they are keenly self-aware of their
own flaws and specifically seek out experts to address these
known shortcomings.
Confident people ask for help. This shows
respect for the other person, authentic humility, and wisdom.
There are lots of ways to get help from
others. Let’s say you want to mentor others but get nervous speaking. You
could join a group like Toastmasters to learn from other speaking experts. Want
to start a business? Join a mastermind of small business owners or attend local
Chamber of Commerce events. Seek a mentor. Hire a coach.
The key is to surround yourself with
supportive people who are also experts in areas that you’re deficient in.
Chances are you will be able to reciprocate with expertise of your own.
Not only do confident people lean on others
all the time, they accelerate this process by absorbing knowledge at a rapid pace through
books, podcasts, videos, courses, and tons of
other sources.
In fact, reading at least 1 hour per day can put you in the top 1% of experts and income-earners.
Don’t be afraid to ask, “can you help me?”
5. They don’t take things too personally
It’s easy to take offense when someone
criticizes you. But if confident people don’t care what others think, and admit
when they’re wrong, it makes sense that they also recognize that the process is
more important than allowing others’ judgment to amplify personal negative
feelings and self-doubt.
Confident people have feelings of course, but
they deal stoically with adversity as a problem to be solved, not a personal
indictment.
You won’t always succeed, but if you’re
confident in yourself despite what others say or do, you can at least cope with
any situation.
This mental strength comes from an inner
sense of accomplishment, faith in your own abilities, sense of humor, sense of
curiosity, and positive approach to people and situations.
Have fun with the process!
6. They don’t expect certainty
Put another way, confident people embrace uncertainty,
knowing that although you can’t predict the future, you can be prepared knowing
that obstacles are inevitable.
Truly confident people expect failure and
adversity, but they are ceaselessly optimistic about the future. No matter
how bad things are, always look for one positive to use as a compelling source
of inspiration.
Helen Keller once said, “optimism is the
faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and
confidence.”
In The Obstacle Is
the Way, Ryan Holiday writes that “obstacles are
actually opportunities to test ourselves, to try new things, and, ultimately,
to triumph.”
Expect uncertainty. Embrace the inevitable
failures. Learn from them!
7. They don’t make others look bad
Truly confident people work extremely hard
on making others successful. The more you help others, the more they will look to you for guidance
and expertise, and the more successful and confident you will become.
It’s a positive self-reinforcing cycle
that contrasts sharply with the short-term approach of Machiavellian
scheming that falsely confident people use to take advantage of others.
Think about the typical workplace. When you
make your boss and team members look good, everyone benefits. And this leads to
new opportunities, people that trust you as a team member, and ultimately
greater confidence. The most inspiring leaders are those who give credit to the
team for all of the hard work.
Ask yourself the same question Benjamin Franklin did every
morning: “What good shall I do this day?” Confident
people focus on how to make others look good, which naturally and authentically
increases their own value and inner self-worth.
8. They don’t seek the approval of just
anyone
Earlier, we talked about how amazingly
confident people don’t care what others think. But that’s not the whole
story.
Confident people do care about what
the closest, most supportive people in their lives have to say. It is this
handful of truly important people in your life whose trust and support
mean so much that you actively seek their feedback.
This goes back to the idea of asking for help
and not going it alone.
If you cultivate only supportive people in
your life, eliminating the nay-sayers, you know that these people always have
your back.
Whereas attention-mongers seek the approval
of thousands of Twitter followers and Facebook friends, truly confident people
focus on quality over quantity. They know what matters.
Think about the people you hang out with on a
daily basis. Do they have your back? Can you share your dreams and ideas with
them without getting shot down? If not, think about working on only the best
relationships if you want to be truly confident.
BY PHILIP
PAPE
LIFEHACK
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