Monday, April 27, 2015

COMMUNICATION SPECIAL ............ You just don't understand!

You just don't understand!


Effective communication is not dependent on language alone; emotions, mental and spiritual levels, and intent play a role too

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus ­ and they often talk Greek to each other. Misunderstandings and talking at cross-purposes are common between the sexes, as people struggle to project their views to each other. But then, often you don't even have to be from different planets or belong to different sexes to be talking a language that is not understood by another.
When a woman tells her lover, “You will never understand!“ it is not the words or language she refers to, but the underlying emotions and her deeper desires and intent. She yearns for the lover to empathise with her viewpoint. The man may not say the same, but he too despairs of his beloved being able to ever viewing things from his perspective. They are just wired so differently. A woman needs emotional succour and consistent connect ­ that is what feeds her femininity. On the other hand, a man needs to withdraw at regular intervals in order to reassure himself of his space and independence ­ that is what bolsters his masculinity. With such mutually exclusive needs, is it surprising there are so many misunderstandings and conflicts? Developing sensitivity and deep confidence in each other are important in the struggle to communicate effectively.
`You just don't understand' is also the frequent complaint of adolescents to parents. Parents do understand; maybe they don't agree, and their reasons for not doing so come from the perspective of better experience and knowledge. The same adolescents grow up one day to view the situation from the perspective of those very parents.
The problem in both cases is obviously not a language issue, but one of differing perspectives. The only way to understand the other's point of view is to be able to put yourself in his or her shoes. Empathy is a critical part of effective engagement. You have to be able to look at things from another's perspective to understand how to better communicate with him or her.
Communication with a loved one is not dependent on language or words alone; emotions are certainly a critical element. An indication of this is that the English language has more than 600 words to describe emotions verbally. Humans have 43 facial muscles to help express emotions physically. And, though we speak 6,000 languages around the world, 90 per cent people across cultures can understand if another is feeling happy, sad, angry or surprised, just by looking at their faces! However, talking at cross-purposes can also happen when there is a knowledge or information disconnect. When a teacher upbraids students for not understanding something, he is not referring to lack of empathy, but to a lack of knowledge and experience. From where the teacher stands metaphorically, knowledge is the bridge between him and the students who cannot grasp what he understands easily. The same goes for professionals, where skills and practice bridge the gap. Emotions will not help one gain knowledge or professional skills, though passion could be a good starting point.
And then there is the gap in understanding between people operating on different trajectories, when mental and spiritual levels or inclinations vary vastly. A spiritually-inclined colleague gave me interesting advice. “It is a waste of time and energy to communicate with those who are several steps away from one's mental and spiritual level,“ he said. “They will never understand or appreciate your viewpoint. It is better to engage with those at par with one, or a level or so away.“
Sounds like good sense. Similar mental and spiritual levels play as important a role as emotion and empathy in the art of speaking a language understood and appreciated by another. No point explaining geometric algorithms to one who doesn't understand basic calculation. Why beat your head and waste time when you could be more productively engaged with another? And then of course, we cannot forget intent. Where there is an intention to misunderstand, how can you ever hope to be understood? As a friend is fond of saying, “You are confused only because you wish to be confused...“
vinitadawra nangia

TL19APR15

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