You just don't understand!
Effective communication is not dependent on language alone;
emotions, mental and spiritual levels, and intent play a role too
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus and they often talk
Greek to each other. Misunderstandings and talking at cross-purposes are common
between the sexes, as people struggle to project their views to each other. But
then, often you don't even have to be from different planets or belong to different
sexes to be talking a language that is not understood by another.
When a woman tells her lover, “You will never understand!“ it is
not the words or language she refers to, but the underlying emotions and her
deeper desires and intent. She yearns for the lover to empathise with her
viewpoint. The man may not say the same, but he too despairs of his beloved
being able to ever viewing things from his perspective. They are just wired so
differently. A woman needs emotional succour and consistent connect that is
what feeds her femininity. On the other hand, a man needs to withdraw at
regular intervals in order to reassure himself of his space and independence
that is what bolsters his masculinity. With such mutually exclusive needs, is
it surprising there are so many misunderstandings and conflicts? Developing
sensitivity and deep confidence in each other are important in the struggle to
communicate effectively.
`You just don't understand' is also the frequent complaint of
adolescents to parents. Parents do understand; maybe they don't agree, and
their reasons for not doing so come from the perspective of better experience
and knowledge. The same adolescents grow up one day to view the situation from
the perspective of those very parents.
The problem in both cases is obviously not a language issue, but
one of differing perspectives. The only way to understand the other's point of
view is to be able to put yourself in his or her shoes. Empathy is a critical
part of effective engagement. You have to be able to look at things from
another's perspective to understand how to better communicate with him or her.
Communication with a loved one is not dependent on language or
words alone; emotions are certainly a critical element. An indication of this
is that the English language has more than 600 words to describe emotions
verbally. Humans have 43 facial muscles to help express emotions physically.
And, though we speak 6,000 languages around the world, 90 per cent people
across cultures can understand if another is feeling happy, sad, angry or
surprised, just by looking at their faces! However, talking at cross-purposes
can also happen when there is a knowledge or information disconnect. When a
teacher upbraids students for not understanding something, he is not referring
to lack of empathy, but to a lack of knowledge and experience. From where the
teacher stands metaphorically, knowledge is the bridge between him and the
students who cannot grasp what he understands easily. The same goes for
professionals, where skills and practice bridge the gap. Emotions will not help
one gain knowledge or professional skills, though passion could be a good
starting point.
And then there is the gap in understanding between people
operating on different trajectories, when mental and spiritual levels or
inclinations vary vastly. A spiritually-inclined colleague gave me interesting
advice. “It is a waste of time and energy to communicate with those who are
several steps away from one's mental and spiritual level,“ he said. “They will
never understand or appreciate your viewpoint. It is better to engage with
those at par with one, or a level or so away.“
Sounds like good sense. Similar mental and spiritual levels play
as important a role as emotion and empathy in the art of speaking a language
understood and appreciated by another. No point explaining geometric algorithms
to one who doesn't understand basic calculation. Why beat your head and waste
time when you could be more productively engaged with another? And then of
course, we cannot forget intent. Where there is an intention to misunderstand,
how can you ever hope to be understood? As a friend is fond of saying, “You are
confused only because you wish to be confused...“
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vinitadawra nangia
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TL19APR15
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