No space for a man to be a man
In
a world where women and children are becoming smarter and more independent by
the day, men need to readjust to their decreased space and responsibilities
They
say girls are closer to fathers and boys to mothers, but I think that is
changing,” one of the young Miss Diva 2013, finalists in Mumbai told me right
after the auditions, in a surprisingly mature statement. “I am closer to my
mother.”
Why is it that as they grow up, children are generally closer to mothers than to their fathers? And why do fathers and sons inevitably develop relationship problems over a period of time, forcing wives and mothers to act as referees? I have always been intrigued by this issue, wondering why fathers do not make that little extra effort to ensure that they remain as connected with children as mothers are. And also, why don’t sons show the same patience with fathers that daughters do?
Men need space to establish their male identity, while women need intimacy and togetherness to feel more feminine and desirable. A man needs to keep stepping back from emotional pulls in relationships in order to get his own sense of ‘manliness.’ Too much intimacy and closeness, which actually nurtures and reassures a woman, is cloying for a man and threatens his instinctive need for distance and space. That is not to say a man does not desire or need intimacy; of course, he does. But he wishes to feed off that intimacy and then step back to reassure himself of his identity, before coming back for more love and warmth. Women misunderstand this need most of the time, and get insecure when a man steps away.
Biologically wired as protectors and providers, men need that objective distancing in order to gauge situations and get a measure of reality against which to guard and protect their families and to provide for them. Says a member of the male species, “It’s a big, bad world out there, and we men find that women are generally oblivious to it and even quite fatalistic. They seem to often walk around unaware. But tell a woman not to talk on her phone while walking on the road or to be alert to chain snatchers in the streets, and watch her reaction. She thinks a man is trying to organise and dictate her movements rather than just protect her!”
Observe a man talking to his wife and children. His conversation is peppered with dos and don’ts and what he “wants” them to do or “forbids” or “allows” them. Wives and children are quick to take offence, and in trying to create their own space and sense of identity, take umbrage and react sharply. Operating from his stance as the protector and disciplinarian, a man cannot understand the sharp reaction, and the result is an impasse or blowout. So a man will tell his son, “You will not go for that holiday, I forbid you to do so.” The son, equally keen to mark his turf, will reply, “I have grown up, you cannot dictate me anymore. I have decided I will go.” With these words, the battle lines are drawn and neither side has left any scope for negotiation or explanation. In steps the wife/mother to try and negotiate a deal. What a waste of time and energy!
The need to inculcate discipline and take decisions for the family unit is so deeply etched in a man that sometimes, he takes a stance that he may realise in a while is unreasonable, but finds himself unable to backtrack without losing face. Men are so focussed on marking their turf — or to put it kindly, on their habit of being the protectors and providers — that they may allow relationships to suffer.This is where the woman, if she is intent on saving the relationship, steps in and tries to smooth over situations, working with her heart, rather than the mind. With her own need for closeness and emotional bonding, a woman builds stronger ties with children than a man does.
If only both sides would attempt to understand the intention rather than react to the words or tone, and jump to conclusions. If only both sides had the patience and understanding to explain their intentions and temper the tone, rather than just bark out instructions or impulsively counter them. If only both respected the fact that they are wired differently and have different needs in the same space. But human relationships are not so simple and uncomplicated. And even if all that is needed is a little tweaking, it sometimes takes years, or forever, to achieve that little change that brings about the huge difference.
As women and children get more exposure and the world becomes their oyster, a man’s space for establishing his identity and marking his turf gets smaller and smaller. The problem is that it is taking men longer to readjust to their decreasing space than it is taking women to get used to their expanding space. There isn’t enough space for a man to be a man anymore, as women expand their space and needs and competently step into a man’s turf as well. And so men and women will clash in turf wars, as will men and men.
Isn’t it time a man learnt to be less like a man, and “allow” a woman to be a bit more like him?
Why is it that as they grow up, children are generally closer to mothers than to their fathers? And why do fathers and sons inevitably develop relationship problems over a period of time, forcing wives and mothers to act as referees? I have always been intrigued by this issue, wondering why fathers do not make that little extra effort to ensure that they remain as connected with children as mothers are. And also, why don’t sons show the same patience with fathers that daughters do?
Men need space to establish their male identity, while women need intimacy and togetherness to feel more feminine and desirable. A man needs to keep stepping back from emotional pulls in relationships in order to get his own sense of ‘manliness.’ Too much intimacy and closeness, which actually nurtures and reassures a woman, is cloying for a man and threatens his instinctive need for distance and space. That is not to say a man does not desire or need intimacy; of course, he does. But he wishes to feed off that intimacy and then step back to reassure himself of his identity, before coming back for more love and warmth. Women misunderstand this need most of the time, and get insecure when a man steps away.
Biologically wired as protectors and providers, men need that objective distancing in order to gauge situations and get a measure of reality against which to guard and protect their families and to provide for them. Says a member of the male species, “It’s a big, bad world out there, and we men find that women are generally oblivious to it and even quite fatalistic. They seem to often walk around unaware. But tell a woman not to talk on her phone while walking on the road or to be alert to chain snatchers in the streets, and watch her reaction. She thinks a man is trying to organise and dictate her movements rather than just protect her!”
Observe a man talking to his wife and children. His conversation is peppered with dos and don’ts and what he “wants” them to do or “forbids” or “allows” them. Wives and children are quick to take offence, and in trying to create their own space and sense of identity, take umbrage and react sharply. Operating from his stance as the protector and disciplinarian, a man cannot understand the sharp reaction, and the result is an impasse or blowout. So a man will tell his son, “You will not go for that holiday, I forbid you to do so.” The son, equally keen to mark his turf, will reply, “I have grown up, you cannot dictate me anymore. I have decided I will go.” With these words, the battle lines are drawn and neither side has left any scope for negotiation or explanation. In steps the wife/mother to try and negotiate a deal. What a waste of time and energy!
The need to inculcate discipline and take decisions for the family unit is so deeply etched in a man that sometimes, he takes a stance that he may realise in a while is unreasonable, but finds himself unable to backtrack without losing face. Men are so focussed on marking their turf — or to put it kindly, on their habit of being the protectors and providers — that they may allow relationships to suffer.This is where the woman, if she is intent on saving the relationship, steps in and tries to smooth over situations, working with her heart, rather than the mind. With her own need for closeness and emotional bonding, a woman builds stronger ties with children than a man does.
If only both sides would attempt to understand the intention rather than react to the words or tone, and jump to conclusions. If only both sides had the patience and understanding to explain their intentions and temper the tone, rather than just bark out instructions or impulsively counter them. If only both respected the fact that they are wired differently and have different needs in the same space. But human relationships are not so simple and uncomplicated. And even if all that is needed is a little tweaking, it sometimes takes years, or forever, to achieve that little change that brings about the huge difference.
As women and children get more exposure and the world becomes their oyster, a man’s space for establishing his identity and marking his turf gets smaller and smaller. The problem is that it is taking men longer to readjust to their decreasing space than it is taking women to get used to their expanding space. There isn’t enough space for a man to be a man anymore, as women expand their space and needs and competently step into a man’s turf as well. And so men and women will clash in turf wars, as will men and men.
Isn’t it time a man learnt to be less like a man, and “allow” a woman to be a bit more like him?
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