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Humans have a fundamental need to
belong. And while interpersonal bonds form easily—studies show that people
become friends simply because they live near one other—relationship
maintenance is trickier. Making friendships, partnerships, and marriages
last takes a special set of skills. At Wonder, we call them “people
skills.”
“People skills” are typically
referred to in psychology as “prosocial behaviors.” They include interaction, positivity, supportiveness,
and self-disclosure.
Interaction is engaging in
conversation and doing things together;
Positivity is keeping things positive
and enjoyable;
Supportiveness has to do with caring and
providing emotional support; and
Self-disclosure is meaningful communication
and involves sharing private thoughts, dreams, and hopes for the future.
When friends, lovers, and
coworkers practice the behaviors above, relationships are stable and
mutually satisfying. But depending on our life circumstances, we may not
always be able to practice these behaviors. Work commitments, geographical
distance, trust issues, and our own psychological makeup can cause us to
engage in them less frequently than is ideal for developing and maintaining
our relationships. And that's okay.
But if you'd like to strengthen
your people skills, you can start by tackling the strategies below:
·
Observe. In a
study on popularity mentioned in Coursera's Psychology of Popularity, kids who didn't know
each other were put in the same room. The ones who eventually turned out to
be least popular were the ones who initiated the most
contact in the beginning. The ones who turned out to be the most popular
were the ones who were initially quiet.
·
These quiet observers, the study
showed, were busy “reading the room” and analyzing social dynamics, which
made them better equipped to interact with the others later on.
·
Be curious. Talk
less, listen more. Ask open-ended questions that get them talking about
what matters to them. You're bound to learn something new. For really good
tips on how to hae better conversations, watch this TED Talk.
·
Learn to read body language. People's
eyes, posture, and position can tell you a lot about them, including
whether or not they're interested in what you have to say. Learning to pick
up on these cues helps you better understand them, improves your
communication, and makes you more conscious of what signals you're sending
out. Sign up for this
Highbrow course to learn more about body language.
·
Show who you really are. In her
book Carry On, Warrior , author Glennon Doyle describes
the point when she realized that life gets “real, good, and interesting
when we remove all of the layers of protection we've built around our
hearts.” Self-disclosure—the sharing of your hopes, fears, and
insecurities—tends to increase closeness and trust. When you reveal
yourself to other people, you make it safe for others to reveal themselves,
too. But self-disclosure isn't the same as oversharing, since it implies
reciprocity.
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