Why EQ is better than IQ
Emotional intelligence takes
you farther in life than grades
Humans aren't robots, but
it seems we strive to be. We're always in search for one simple tweak, or hack,
which will make us be the most efficient automaton we can possible be. We are
living, breathing, biological organisms driven by our emotions.Suppress your
emotions. But that's rarely good advice. We're better off learning how to
understand them.Then maybe we can make the kind of decisions that lead to
better lives.
There are more than four
emotions, sure, but that's how many we cover here. Let's get to it.
Shame
When we don't meet a
certain standard, we feel ashamed. This can be a societal expectation, familial
tradition, academic goal, or workplace norm. It doesn't matter.When we don't
feel we're doing what's expected, we feel bad. Parents shame children.
Communities shame outcasts. But, more importantly, we shame ourselves. We let
fear of what others will say prevent us from taking actions that are for our
own good. Here's the secret to shame: we don't talk about it. Many will deny
that they've done any such thing. But we all confront shame every day. What can
we do?
Talk about it. Tell others when we feel ashamed. Listen to feedback and learn how to express yourself differently. When you shame someone for doing something you wish you could do yourself, you're contributing to a stifling culture. That's not only bad for conversations around love, faith, and race. This has economic repercussions as well.Employees don't produce new ideas, take risks, or speak up when they're surrounded by a corporate culture of shame, and that can lead to a company's downfall.
Talk about it. Tell others when we feel ashamed. Listen to feedback and learn how to express yourself differently. When you shame someone for doing something you wish you could do yourself, you're contributing to a stifling culture. That's not only bad for conversations around love, faith, and race. This has economic repercussions as well.Employees don't produce new ideas, take risks, or speak up when they're surrounded by a corporate culture of shame, and that can lead to a company's downfall.
Truth #1:
Don't tie your selfworth to
what you do or what happens to you
Shame calls into question
our self-worth. To combat shame, separate your value as a person from how
people respond to you, no matter how many people tell you otherwise.
If people don't like your
boyfriend, that says more about them than it does about you.
If a spouse cheats with a
coworker, that doesn't mean you've failed as a loving person.
And, if someone criticizes
a song you performed, that's no reason to give up singing.
Guilt
Guilt and shame make for
good bedfellows. But there's a big difference between the two. Where shame
says, “I am bad,“ guilt says, “I did something bad.“
Truth #2:
Guilt doesn't mean you're
an awful person
It means you made a
mistake. That means you can salvage yourself.An apology, a second chance, or a
gift may be all you need to assuage the feeling of guilt and prevent yourself from
falling into a more lasting depression. For this reason, guilt isn't inherently
unwanted.True, none of us ever want to feel guilty. It's not anyone's idea of a
good idea. But it does encourage us not to engage in bad behavior. Let's say
you make a joke over dinner and accidentally hurt a friend's feelings.Feeling
guilty is a good thing. No, you shouldn't have said what you said, but it's
nice that you notice you did something wrong. This encourages you to do
something about it. There are deeper feelings you need to confront, which is
why being able to distinguish between your emotions is a powerful thing.
Fear
There are two kinds of
fear. There's the kind that arises when you see a bear charging toward you.
Then there's the kind we create, such as the fear of speaking in public. The
first kind is important. You should be afraid of a hungry bear. Getting out of
harm's way can keep you alive. The second kind is harmful. It causes anxiety,
increases stress levels, and hinders our ability to make prudent decisions.
Fear that we create can be summed up by the acronym: False Evidence Appearing
Real.Fictitious fear can lead to real harm.If your spouse loves you today,
being afraid of them leaving you doesn't help your relationship.
Truth #3:
Dwelling on that fear may
cause the outcome you were trying to prevent
So, the next time you feel
afraid, analyze what you're feeling. Are you in any real danger? No? Then being
afraid probably isn't the best emotional response. Take a deep breath, and live
life a step at a time.
Isolation
When we go too long without
human interaction, we feel it as strongly as any sickness or injury.Technology
has only exasperated the issue, with our phones providing the illusion that any
moment not spent interacting with another person is a lonely one. There is a
difference between being momentarily alone and a long-term sense of isolation.
It's okay to be alone. We all need to spend time in tune with nothing more than
our own thoughts. Art and creativity only spawn when we are not distracted by
anything else.
Truth #4:
Problems arise when we go
weeks, months, or years without feeling connected
Isolation is the threat
many other emotions conceal. The reason shame is effective stems from our
desire to be accepted. Whether shame comes from a community, an employer, or a
lover, it's the isolation that we fear.Otherwise we would have nothing to lose
by leaving shamers behind to feel what they wish.
To really address
loneliness, we can't think solely of our ourselves.Keep an eye out for others.
Go up and speak to someone sitting alone at a party. Say a kind word to someone
who appears to be having a rough day. Sometimes it only takes a few words to
remind us that we aren't alone.
Emotional intelligence can
see you through the day. Emotions can leave you feeling out of control. To a
certain extent, you are. We are all emotional creatures, with our brain chemistry
determining how we feel from one moment to the next. But we are also conscious,
and emotional intelligence teaches us how to interpret and respond to what
we're feeling.
This article was first
published in http:www.makeuseof.com
Bertel
King, Jr
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