ROMANCE SPECIAL The Subversive Power of the Kiss
Just in time for Valentine's Day, a wave of
studies suggests that the rise of romantic kissing is linked to the changing
roles of women.
Why do couples kiss?
In Western cultures, we mark the beginning of
romantic entanglement by touching lips. Few actions are as fraught with anxiety
and symbolism as that first kiss—and it’s no exaggeration to say that some
kisses feel like life or death.
Indeed, a kiss can kill, in the most medical,
un-romantic, non-metaphorical sense. Sticking your tongue in the mouth of
another person for ten seconds can transmit 80 million bacteria, says one 2014 study. As if to drive this point home, last week the Brazilian
government warned pregnant women to refrain from kissing for fear of
passing the Zika virus.
But romantic kissing isn’t universal, not
even close. In fact, many cultures consider kissing on the lips to be
repulsive—a perfectly sound conclusion, given how much disease can pass between
mouths. The most authoritative cross-cultural analysis of
kissing, published last year in the journal American
Anthropologist, reviewed studies of 168 societies and found that less than
half showed evidence of “sexual-romantic kissing,” as the authors call it.
Who are the kissing cultures? According to
the meta-analysis, couples in economically developed and socially stratified
cultures are almost three times more likely to kiss on the lips than those who
live in tribes—who are almost four times more likely to never kiss
on the lips than counterparts in complex societies. So, lovers in sub-Saharan
tribes tend not to kiss, at least in front of European ethnographers, but
sophisticated New Yorkers who can’t put down their smartphones seem to love a
good smooch, in private and in public.
What’s up with that? We can’t say for sure,
but the cross-disciplinary evidence to date suggests the rise of romantic
kissing is linked to the changing roles of women. Studies show, pretty
conclusively, that kissing is critical to how modern women choose a sexual
partner.
“Women—in the West anyway—have gained far
more autonomy in mate choice, and they are freer to kiss and kiss whom they
will,” says Sarah Blaffer Hrdy, a famed anthropologist and author of the 1999
bestseller Mother Nature. “Hard to say, though, what women in other cultures
would wish to do, if they dared?”
That’s a question some researchers are now
tackling—including through a survey of Muslim-majority societies, many of which
are in the midst of a transition from arranged to love-based marriages. The
results point to a conclusion that studies confirm again and again: Kissing is
much more important to women than men—and it’s women who appear to have driven
the rise of kissing in romantic life.
Why do
we kiss?
Everyone knows the first kiss can launch a
thousand ships—or sink every single one of them.
“There was one guy I dated who seemed so
great,” says Veronica (not her real name), a 40-something single woman in
Berkeley, California. “But when we finally kissed, it was like kissing my
brother.”
How could Veronica know enough from that one
kiss to give up on a relationship that could have lasted a lifetime?
When people push their lips together, they
appear to exchange an enormous amount of biological information—and, according
to a 2014 paper, their brain activity spikes and harmonizes. In fact,
the degree of synchronization between canoodling brains correlates with the
self-reported quality of the kiss.
“If I would speculate about the role of
kissing in human life,” says Viktor Müller, the study’s co-author, “I would
suggest that kissing synchronizes our brains to produce a state or conditions
for a better understanding of each other—or for getting in the right mood for
partner-oriented behavior.”
Meanwhile, research says there is a very good
chance that women are covertly picking up pheromones and genetic information
that might inform their decision. In a landmark 2000 study, for example, Claus Wedekind of the University of
Lausanne in Switzerland found that women prefer the scents of men whose MHC
(major histocompatibility complex) genes are different from their own—which
would produce offspring with stronger immune systems. From this perspective,
kissing is just sniffing in disguise.
As Veronica discovered, sometimes these
brainwaves and olfactory signals combine to say, “Stop!”—and other times they
scream “GO!”
Even societies that don’t encourage mouth-to-mouth
kissing often provide for some kind of up-close snuffling. “Nearly all cultures
practice a courtship behavior analogous to kissing, which involves close
face-to-face proximity and may involve licking, biting, rubbing, or merely
sniffing,” points out Rafael Wlodarski, a University of Oxford post-doctoral
researcher who studies mating behavior. The ubiquity of romantic sniffing
suggests that it has some evolutionary function.
But science hasn’t yet determined exactly
what that function is, especially when it comes to kissing. For decades,
researchers assumed that evolution hard-wired human lovers to kiss on the lips.
In the 1960s, British zoologist Desmond Morris suggested that kissing might
have arisen from the primate practice of a mother chewing food and then pushing
it with her tongue into the mouth of an infant. Others have suggested that the
template for the lover’s kiss is a baby’s mouth on a mother’s breast.
But if that were the case, why don’t friends
in France brush each other’s nipples in greeting, instead of grazing each
other’s cheeks with their lips? There are plenty of ways for courting lovers to
synchronize brain activity and collect subterranean genetic information. Dogs
sniff each other’s butts; why can’t we?
The human oral cavity: sexy?
If all that sounds gross to you, remember
that more than 80 percent of hunter-gatherers think it’s disgusting for two
humans to shove their heads together and start licking the inside of each
other’s oral cavities. Given that humans have spent most of our history in
such groups, it’s more logical to see them as normal and the rest of us as the
sexual deviants. Last year’s study of 168
societies overturned decades of scientific
speculation by discovering that there is nothing natural or inevitable about
kissing on the lips. It’s a learned behavior, and one that appears to emerge
only in specific social conditions.
What are those conditions? That’s a matter of
debate—but much of the evidence so far suggests that it might be women who
turned kissing from a disgusting practice to a desirable one. There’s little
question, at this point, that kissing is more important to women than to men in
assessing the suitability of a romantic partner.
For example, one 2007 study of 1,041 heterosexual co-eds found “that females
place more importance on kissing as a mate assessment device.” Another published in 2013 got a very similar result—a survey of 308 men and
594 women found that, just like Veronica, women often made a snap judgment
about the relationship based on the quality of the first kiss. (There are no
similar studies of same-sex couples kissing.)
A 2014 study ran two experiments to find out how important a
kiss was to deciding whether to move ahead with a partner. The conclusion?
The positive impact of purported “kissing
quality” on a participant’s willingness to have casual sex with a potential
partner was significantly greater for women than it was for men, suggesting
that women may be particularly influenced by this factor. When examined in
light of previous findings that women are the more selective sex during the
mate assessment process, and are particularly attuned to, and discriminating
about, cues signaling superior genetic fitness, this result is highly
suggestive of the conclusion that kissing may convey some mate quality
information.
“If kissing is used in mate assessment, then
it is not surprising that females place more value on it,” says Wlodarski, the
paper’s lead author. “Since the negative consequences of making a ‘poor’ mating
decision are more severe for the female, females are typically more selective
and utilize more cues to make mate choice decisions—including potentially
kissing.”
Kissing
as empowerment
Six
More Kissing Facts
1. Male-dominant
chimpanzees kiss much more often than female-dominant bonobos, says
anthropologist Amy Parish, although kisses can mean many things, including
submission.
2. People
are nearly twice as likely to lean right instead of left when puckering up,
according to a study published in a 2003 issue of Nature.
3. Lips
are extraordinarily sensitive. "Of the 12 or 13 cranial nerves that affect
cerebral function, five are at work when we kiss," says Scientific
American.
4. Women
sometimes kiss each other in front of men in part to "try out"
alternative sexual identities, according to a 2014 paper.
5. A 2009 study documented "dispositional proneness to
disgust" when heterosexual people see same-sex couples kiss—and that
disgust was associated with seeing homosexuality as an immoral choice as
opposed to a part of identity.
6. Kissing
boosts testosterone in a woman and oxytocin in a man, which helps him bond with
her—and also to stay away from her rivals, says a2010 study.
So how the heck did women make romantic
decisions before kissing was invented?
While humans seem to have always had ways to
get in close and sniff prospective partners, many pre-kissing cultures did not
give brides a whole lot of choice. Parents decided whom they’d marry. For much
of human history, people didn’t pick their own mates and divorce wasn’t an
option. This is still the case in many parts of today’s world, which allows
researchers to see the transition unfold in real time.
University of Nevada, Las Vegas, ethnographer
William Jankowiak, who led the study of 168 cultures, points out that the rise
of dating as courtship ritual coincides with “embracing pleasure as a tacit or
explicit expectation.” Whenever people start pursuing pleasure, he says,
“anything that heightens that state will find willing participants.”
But Jankowiak doesn’t think pleasure alone
can account for the shift from mere sniffing to French kissing. Affectionate
smooching is strongly associated with the turn away from a social organization
based on arranged marriages that “are about the family and never the couple”
toward a couple-centered ideal, which suggests there must be some connection.
Today, “so strong is this ideal that many women (still in the minority) do not
want children so they can focus on the couple,” he says.
Amy Parish, an anthropologist based at the
University of Southern California, Los Angeles, thinks that kissing might be
one way to hold onto mates in a voluntary—and therefore unstable—family
situation. “I would say that women may need to kiss more often in more
stratified/complex societies because in those societies, women are more
dependent on pair bonds with men and have less support from their communities
and kin groups than one finds in egalitarian societies,” she says. (When
anthropologists refer to “egalitarian societies,” they’re talking about small
bands without formal pathways to power and wealth.)
In this view, choice triggers anxiety,
especially when other people are freer to make their own choices about you,
both before and during marriage. Kissing—the multilayered sensory experience it
offers—is a behavioral adaptation to stimulate desire and loyalty in a socially
powerful male.
But that perspective alone can’t account for
the recent psychological studies that show how critical kissing is to helping a
woman decide, on her own, whether or not she will pursue a sexual relationship.
For many modern women, it seems, kissing is an expression of power, not of
powerlessness.
When
kissing is dangerous
Two researchers are watching the
transformation of sexual and marital relationships in the Middle East. Janet
Afary and Roger Friedland—both religious studies professors at the University of
California, Santa Barbara—have surveyed 18,000 people in seven Muslim-majority
countries about marriage and romance. Most of the respondents were gathered
through Facebook and ranged in age from 18 to 40 years.
Averaged across all seven countries, the
overwhelming majority—60 percent—still believe kissing between unmarried people
is wrong. In Pakistan, the most conservative of the countries surveyed, 71
percent say it’s always wrong. Throughout the Muslim world, on average, only 18
percent approve of kissing between courting men and women. It is still the norm
for parents to play a role in arranging marriages, and the union is still
considered one of two families, not of individuals.
But here’s where things get interesting:
Younger people are dramatically more likely than older ones to think kissing is
good, and young women are the ones who approve the most of kissing, by a large
margin. In the survey results, kissing is linked to belief in voluntary,
love-based, dyadic marriage, though “this does not mean that family arrangement
is necessarily excluded,” Friedland adds. “The two can co-exist and interplay.”
Many respondents still want their parents involved in the match—but the young women
just want a chance to sniff and nuzzle their prospective groom before they
spend the rest of their lives with him.
In short, the results of this anonymous
survey suggest there’s an under-the-radar, woman-led sexual revolution underway
in the Middle East, one that’s totally illegal in many places. Friedland emphasizes that this
isn’t just a matter of private belief—young women are a voting with
their lips, even in regions where kissing between
unmarried people is against the law.
“The big story here is that women are daring
to kiss,” says Friedland. “Love is dangerous in this world, particularly for
women—but women are going after it. It indicates an incredible daring on their
part.” This right to kiss is intrinsically tied to a right that seems
fundamental to women in many Western countries: to choose your own mate.
“Pakistani women who believe in love are more
likely to be OK with kissing their boyfriends than Pakistan men who believe in
love,” confirms Sahar Habib Ghazi, a native of Islamabad, Pakistan, and
managing editor of the news site Global Voices. In an exchange over Facebook, she adds:
They want to fall in love to bring more
agency and control in their lives and they want to test that love with physical
contact. They have more at stake if they fall in love with the wrong person,
than a man would in a predominantly patriarchal society like Pakistan, so it
makes sense to me that they would be more willing to test that love. When the
stakes are higher, the risks people will take are higher.
So why do couples kiss? For pleasure, sure,
but there’s more to kissing than what meets the lips. From an evolutionary
perspective, it seems, women kiss for freedom and control. If men seem to enjoy
it, too—well, that might be just a happy accident.
By Jeremy Adam
Smith
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/subversive_power_of_the_kiss?utm_source=GG+Newsletter+Feb+11+2016&utm_campaign=GG+Newsletter+Feb+11+2016&utm_medium=email
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