How Humility Will Make You the Greatest Person Ever
It's so hard to be humble. Here are three tips for
taming your ego.
In light of the upcoming
presidential race and the increase innarcissism amongst our youth, I think it’s safe to say that, as a society, we could
use a little more humility.
Our culture places so much value on external
accomplishments, appearance, and self-aggrandizement—all things that are
ephemeral at best—that even a small display of this quiet virtue can make one
feel like a drowning man coming up for air.
Yet why can it be so challenging for us to
express humility? Is it because we often misinterpret its active demonstration
to be a sign of weakness, when in actuality it is an indication of tremendous
inner strength?
The answers may be found in what scientists
are discovering about this quality—one so deeply revered by all spiritual
traditions that many consider it to be the mother of all virtues.
Why is
humility good?
When I meet someone who radiates humility, my
shoulders relax, my heart beats a little more quietly, and something inside me
lets go.
Why? Because I know that I’m being fully
seen, heard, and accepted for who I am, warts and all—a precious and rare gift
that allows our protective walls to come down.
Truly humble people are able to offer this
kind of gift to us because they see and accept their own strengths and
limitations without defensiveness or
judgment—a core dimension, according to researchers,
of humility, and one that cultivates a powerful compassion for humanity.
This kind of self-acceptance emerges from
grounding one’s worth in our intrinsic value as human beings rather than things
such as six-figure salaries or the body of a movie
star or climbing the corporate ladder or the
number of friends on Facebook. Instead, humble people place high value on
more meaningful things that benefit others,
such as noble qualities.
They also see life as a school, recognizing
that while none of us is perfect, we can, without negatively impacting our
self-esteem, work on our limitations by being open to new ideas, advice, and
criticism.
This ability alone cultivates an
awe-inspiring inner strength, the most powerful example of which is Gandhi,
whose Autobiography is a journey of humbling self-dissection. He once
famously said, “I claim to be a simple individual liable to err like any other
fellow mortal. I own, however, that I have humility enough to confess my errors
and to retrace my steps.”
If Gandhi is an example of what a humble
leader can accomplish, then society serves to benefit from this kind of
governance. Consider what researchers of the “quiet ego”—a construct similar to humility—suggest happens when we
gain control of our ego: we become less likely to act aggressively, manipulate
others, express dishonesty, and destroy resources. Instead, we take
responsibility for and correct our mistakes, listen to others’ ideas, and keep
our abilities in humble perspective.
Who wouldn’t want that kind of leadership for
our country—and the world?
But the benefits of humility do not extend to
just our leaders. Nascent research suggests that this lovely quality is good
for us individually and for our relationships. For example, humble people handle stress more effectively and report higher levels of physical and mental
well-being. They also show greater generosity, helpfulness, and gratitude – all things that can only serve to draw us closer
to others.
Three
tips for cultivating humility
Given what scientists have discovered about
humility, it’s evident that cultivating this quality is not for the
faint-hearted, nor does it appear overnight. Yet it would seem that one of the
great rewards of humility is an inner freedom from having to protect those
parts that we try to hide from ourselves and others. In other words, we develop
a quiet, understanding, and compassionate heart.
Here are some scientifically-based ways to
start.
1. Embrace your humanness.
For many, when we fail at something that is
important to us—a job or a relationship, for example—our self-esteem plummets
because we tied our self-worth to those things. All of a sudden, we become bad
or unworthy people, and it can be a long road to recovery.
Not so for people with humility. As stated
earlier, their ability to withstand failure or criticism comes from their sense
of intrinsic value of being human rather than outer means. So when they fail at
a task or don’t live up to expectations, it doesn’t mean that there is
something wrong with them. It just means that they are human like the rest of
us.
Scientists suggest that this intrinsic value
stems from secure attachment, or
the healthy emotional bond formed with close others, usually our childhood
caregivers. Having the experience of unconditional acceptance and love, particularly
when we’re young, can serve as a buffer against the effects of criticism or
failure.
Unfortunately, many of us did not experience
secure attachment when we were children. One study found that a whopping 40 percent of
adults are not securely attached, but
thankfully this does not mean we are doomed. We can heal through healthy adult
relationships, such as friends, romantic partners, or even with a higher power.
This recent GGSC article suggests some ways.
2. Practice mindfulness and self-compassion.
These days, mindfulness and self-compassion seem to be the antidote for many of our inner
ailments. Yet I can’t imagine developing humility without them.
According to scientists, humble people have
an accurate picture of themselves—both their faults and their gifts—which helps
them to see what might need changing within.
Mindfulness grows our self-awareness by
giving us permission to stop and notice our thoughts and emotions without
judgment (if we judge what’s going on inside us, we paint a distorted view of
ourselves).
The more we become aware of our inner lives,
the easier it is to see where unhealthy beliefs and actions might be limiting
us. Noticing and then accepting those parts of ourselves that are wreaking
havoc and that require us to change calls for self-compassion, or treating
oneself with kindness and understanding.
Once we accept what needs changing, then we
can start the process of transformation. I love the saying by a wise sage, “If
you are in a dark room, don’t beat the darkness with a stick. Rather, turn on
the light.” In other words, just gently and patiently replace a negative
thought or action with a positive one and over time, we may not even recognize
the person we once were.
3. Express gratitude.
Saying “thank you” means that we recognize
the gifts that come into our lives and, as a result, acknowledge the value of
other people. Very simply, gratitude can make us less self-focused and more
focused on those around us—a hallmark of humble people.
Indeed, a recent study found that gratitude and
humility are mutually reinforcing.
Expressing gratitude can induce humility in us, and humble people have a
greater capacity for conveying gratitude.
Both gratitude letters and gratitude diaries
were used in this study – easy to perform practices that are described in
greater detail on the GGSC’s Greater Good in
Action website.
Perhaps the key to humility is seeing life as
a journey towards cultivating those qualities that bring out the best in
ourselves and others and make this world a better place.
And this journey is not just for the average
person, but one that many of our greatest leaders have embarked upon. To close
with the words of one who knew humility, Nelson Mandela:
As I have said, the first thing is to be
honest with yourself. You can never have an impact on society if you have not
changed yourself…Great peacemakers are all people of integrity, of honesty, and
humility.
By Vicki Zakrzewski
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/humility_will_make_you_greatest_person_ever?utm_source=GG+Newsletter+Jan+13+2016&utm_campaign=GG+Newsletter+Jan+13+2016&utm_medium=email
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