When does desire become a raging need?
There is no harm in giving in to desire once in a while, but are you fooling yourself by demanding ‘wants’ as ‘needs’ you are entitled to?
AS my part-time help Meena complained of her kids suffering from constant stomach upsets, I advised her to give them more lassi and dahi in summer. Intercepting her blank look, I hesitantly asked, “You do set curds at home, don’t you?” She shook her head; even more warily I asked, “Do you buy milk?“One packet madam,” she confessed. “It’s enough. In fact the tea with milk I have at your house gives me a headache, because I am used to black tea.” Menaka Gandhi and her vegan fellows would certainly give Meena a thumbs-up, but I baulked.
Now, I am no novice, nor am I insensitive. But yes, I was unthinking in this instance. What I defined as a need for my home, was not even a want in a majority of homes, I realised. Without knowing, so many wants have merged into needs over the years that it is difficult to distinguish between the two. And yet one has to make an effort if one is to live life on real terms.
It is simplistic to say that food, shelter, clothes and sex take care of our bare needs, and dismiss the rest as wants and desires. Maybe so, if you wish to just exist. But life is to be lived, not suffered! And once the basic necessities are met, there is happiness in defining new needs and seeking to fulfill those.
Both needs and wants change not just as per economic status, but also from individual to individual. It isn’t fair to say everyone has the same needs. In fact, ‘wants’ are possibly more homogenous across bandwidths, while ‘needs’ vary wildly. A ragpicker may ‘want’/ desire the same Lamborghini or Merc that you have set your eyes on, but he may not define a latte at CafĂ© Coffee Day or a beer at TGI Friday’s as a ‘need’ to unwind before he heads home! He may physically desire the same female star as you, but he doesn’t define space and happiness as a ‘need’ in his marriage.
Awareness and exposure have widened our horizons, which in turn have expanded our list of needs — and there is no going back. Living the life I do, I do not define my cellphone, laptop, a decent wardrobe, books and car as ‘wants’; they are very much needs as I cannot function without them. And an indulgence gives me the high that makes me feel better about life, so why not? Having established that, it is up to each individual to decide towards which end of the stick he likes to lean — between asceticism and overindulgence. I need a phone, sure, but do I really need a top-end contraption? The same goes for the car, the house and the wardrobe. Each of us needs to set our limitations at both ends as per our comfort and proceed within these set parameters, without guilt.
Today’s self-assertive culture is all about stating clearly your desires and wants, and expecting to fulfill them. We have allowed ourselves to imagine we have a right to get whatever we want; this creates a sense of entitlement that makes us selfish and self-centred, blurring needs from wants. It is important to define the tipping point at which a want becomes a need and to understand well the reasons for allowing this walkover. We all wish to cater to our needs, but it is essential that we understand what they are and how important these are to us. Sadly, most of our needs are dictated by someone else. We wish to acquire that bigger mansion, that fancy car or those expensive trinkets all in an attempt to outdo others and prove we are no less than anybody else. What a waste! These are precisely the ‘wants’ that masquerade as ‘needs’.
For a need to be genuine, it has to rise from within, be a growl within the system, something that is a must for inner happiness, our very growth, or maybe a one-off that fuels the rest of life! Need is not about others, it is about one’s own self. So whereas it is acceptable that many of yesterday’s ‘wants’ are today’s ‘needs’, one has to be cautious and alert enough to recognise the difference. What are the requirements to satisfy, to complete one’s own self? These are the additional needs of each individual over and above food, shelter, clothes and sex.
We need to keep redefining and adding new ‘needs’ because life demands that we pull ourselves up from the level of bare essentials to a level where we can start thinking of individual development and progress — physical, mental and spiritual. True, no hungry, unsheltered, unclothed man has the bandwidth to think of these realms, but once basic needs are met, we owe it to ourselves and to life to acquire and use the tools that make life and the world a better place for us to live in.
But beware of convincing yourself that every selfish want is a need you have to cater to! Do not fight the wants, just filter them before you let them enter the exclusive “Needs Club”!
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