The
Benefits of Empathic Listening
Empathic listening (also called active listening or
reflective listening) is a way of listening and responding to another person
that improves mutual understanding and trust. It is an essential skill
for third parties and disputants alike, as it enables the listener to receive
and accurately interpret the speaker's message, and then provide an appropriate
response. The response is an integral part of the listening process and can be critical
to the success of a negotiation or mediation. Among its benefits, empathic
listening
2. enables the disputants to release their emotions,
3. reduces tensions,
4. encourages the surfacing of information, and
5. creates a safe environment that is conducive to
collaborative problem solving.
Though useful for everyone involved in a conflict, the
ability and willingness to listen with empathy is often what sets the mediator
apart from others involved in the conflict.
Even when the conflict is not resolved during mediation,
the listening process can have a profound impact on the parties. Jonathon
Chace, associate director of the U.S. Community Relations Service, recalls a
highly charged community race-related conflict he responded to more than 30
years ago when he was a mediator in the agency's Mid-Atlantic office. It
involved the construction of a highway that would physically divide a community
centered around a public housing project. After weeks of protest activity, the
parties agreed to mediation. In the end, the public officials prevailed and the
aggrieved community got little relief. When the final session ended, the leader
of the community organization bolted across the floor, clasped the mediator's
hand and thanked him for being "different from the others."
"How
was I different?" Chace asked. "You listened," was the reply.
"You were the only one who cared about what we were saying."
William Simkin, former director of the Federal Mediation
and Conciliation Service and one of the first practitioners to write in depth
about the mediation process, noted in 1971 that "understanding has limited
utility unless the mediator can somehow convey to the parties the fact that
[the mediator] knows the essence of the problem. At that point," he said,
"and only then, can (the mediator) expect to be accorded confidence and
respect."
Simkin was writing about more than the need to understand
and project an understanding of the facts. Understanding "is not confined
to bare facts," he said. "Quite frequently the strong emotional
background of an issue and the personalities involved may be more significant
than the facts." He suggested that mediators apply "sympathetic
understanding,"which in reality is empathic listening.
How
to Listen with Empathy
Empathy is the ability to project oneself into the
personality of another person in order to better understand that person's
emotions or feelings. Through empathic listening the listener lets the speaker
know, "I understand your problem and how you feel about it, I am
interested in what you are saying and I am not judging you." The listener
unmistakably conveys this message through words and non-verbal behaviors,
including body language. In so doing, the listener encourages the speaker to
fully express herself or himself free of interruption, criticism or being told
what to do. It is neither advisable nor necessary for a mediator to agree with
the speaker, even when asked to do so. It is usually sufficient to let the
speaker know, "I understand you and I am interested in being a resource to
help you resolve this problem."
While this article focuses on mediation, it should be
apparent that empathic listening is a core skill that will strengthen the
interpersonal effectiveness of individuals in many aspects of their professional
and personal lives. Parties to unassisted negotiations -- those that do not
involve a mediator -- can often function as their own mediator and increase
their negotiating effectiveness through the use of empathy. Through the use of
skilled listening these "mediational negotiators" can control the
negotiation by their:
1. willingness to let the other parties dominate the
discussion,
2. attentiveness to what is being said,
3. care not to interrupt,
4. use of open-ended questions,
5. sensitivity to the emotions being expressed, and
6. ability to reflect back to the other party the substance
and feelings being expressed.
The power of empathic listening in volatile settings is
reflected in Madelyn Burley-Allen's description of the skilled listener.
"When you listen well," Burley-Allen says, "you:
1. acknowledge the speaker,
2. increase the speaker's self-esteem and confidence,
3. tell the speaker, "You are important" and
"I am not judging you,"
4. gain the speaker's cooperation,
5. reduce stress and tension,
6. build teamwork,
7. gain trust,
8. elicit openness,
9. gain a sharing of ideas and thoughts, and
10.
obtain more valid information about the
speakers and the subject."
To obtain these results, Burly-Allen says, a skilled
listener:
1. "takes information from others while remaining
non-judgmental and empathic,
2. acknowledges the speaker in a way that invites the
communication to continue, and
3. provides a limited but encouraging response, carrying the
speaker's idea one step forward."
Empathic
Listening in Mediation
Before a mediator can expect to obtain clear and accurate
information about the conflict from a party who is emotionally distraught, it
is necessary to enable that party to engage in a cathartic process, according
to Lyman S. Steil, a former president of the American Listening Association. He
defines catharsis as "the process of releasing emotion, the ventilation of
feelings, the sharing of problems or frustrations with an empathic listener.
Catharsis," he continues, "basically requires an understanding
listener who is observant to the cathartic need cues and clues. People who need
catharsis will often give verbal and non-verbal cues, and good listeners will
be sensitive enough to recognize them. Cathartic fulfillment is necessary for
maximized success" at all other levels of communication.
"Cathartic communication," Steil continues,
"requires caring, concerned, risk-taking and non-judgmental listening.
Truly empathic people suspend evaluation and criticism when they listen to
others. Here the challenge is to enter into the private world of the speaker,
to understand without judging actions or feelings."
Providing empathic responses to two or more parties to
the same conflict should not present a problem for a mediator who follows the
basic principles of active listening. The mediator demonstrates objectivity and
fairness by remaining non-judgmental throughout the negotiation, giving the
parties equal time and attention and as much time as each needs to express
themselves.
Parties to volatile conflicts often feel that nobody on
the other side is interested in what they have to say. The parties often have
been talking at each other and past each other, but not with each other.
Neither believes that their message has been listened to or understood. Nor do
they feel respected. Locked into positions that they know the other will not
accept, the parties tend to be close-minded, distrustful of each other, and
often angry, frustrated, discouraged, or hurt.
When the mediator comes onto the scene, he or she
continuously models good conflict-management behaviors, trying to create an
environment where the parties in conflict will begin to listen to each other
with clear heads. For many disputants, this may be the first time they have had
an opportunity to fully present their story. During this process, the parties
may hear things that they have not heard before, things that broaden their
understanding of how the other party perceives the problem. This can open minds
and create a receptivity to new ideas that might lead to a settlement. In
creating a trusting environment, it is the mediator's hope that some
strands of trust will begin to connect the parties and replace the negative
emotions that they brought to the table.
Mediator Nancy Ferrell, who formerly responded to
volatile community race-related conflicts for the Dallas Office of the U.S.
Community Relations Service, questions whether mediation can work if some
measure of empathy is not developed between the parties. She describes a
multi-issue case involving black students and members of a white fraternity
that held an annual "black-face" party at a university in Oklahoma.
At the outset, the student president of the fraternity was convinced that the
annual tradition was harmless and inoffensive. It wasn't until the mediator
created an opportunity for him to listen to the aggrieved parties at the table
that he realized the extraordinary impact his fraternity's antics had on black
students. Once he recognized the problem, a solution to that part of the
conflict was only a step away.
Ferrell seeks clues that the parties will respond to each
other with some measure of empathy before bringing them to the table. Speaking
of conflicts between parties who had a continuing relationship, she said,
"One of my decisions about whether they were ready to meet at the table
was whether or not I could get any glimmer of empathy from all sides. ... If I
couldn't get some awareness of sensitivity to the other party's position, I was
reluctant to go to the table. ... If you can't create empathy, you can't have a
relationship. Without that, mediation is not going to work."
George Williams, who was a volunteer mediator at Chicago
's Center for Conflict Resolution after he retired as president of American
University, recalled an incident in an entirely different type of dispute in
the mid-1980s. The conflict was between a trade school and a student who had
been expelled for what appeared to him to be a minor infraction of the rules, shortly
after paying his full tuition. After losing his internal appeal, he considered
a lawsuit, but chose mediation. The young man fared no better at mediation, yet
later profusely thanked Williams for being "the first person who listened
to what I had to say."
Listening:
A Learnable Skill
As many mediators, including myself, have come to
understand, listening is a learnable skill. Unfortunately, it is not typically
taught along with other communication skills at home or in school. I spend more
time listening than using any other form of communication, yet as a youngster I
was never taught the skill. I spent long hours learning to read and write and
even had classroom training in public speaking, but I never had a lesson in
listening or thought of listening as a learnable skill until I entered the
world of mediation as an adult. While some may have had better experiences
during their formative years, for many listening is often treated the same as
"hearing." We do not ordinarily receive instruction in using our
other senses -- smell, sight, touch and taste -- so why give lessons in hearing
(sound)? A message that listening was an important skill to learn would have
fallen on deaf ears when I was a child. Perhaps now that peer mediation is
being taught in many classrooms across the nation, when children are taught to
"Listen to your elders," they also will be taught by elders who model
good listening skills.
Guidelines
for Empathic Listening
Madelyn Burley-Allen offers these guidelines for empathic
listening:
1. Be attentive. Be interested. Be alert and not distracted.
Create a positive atmosphere through nonverbal behavior.
2. Be a sounding board -- allow the speaker to bounce ideas
and feelings off you while assuming a nonjudgmental, non-critical manner.
3. Don't ask a lot of questions. They can give the
impression you are "grilling" the speaker.
4. Act like a mirror -- reflect back what you think the
speaker is saying and feeling.
5. Don't discount the speaker's feelings by using stock
phrases like "It's not that bad," or "You'll feel better
tomorrow."
6. Don't let the speaker "hook" you. This can
happen if you get angry or upset, allow yourself to get involved in an
argument, or pass judgment on the other person.
7. Indicate you are listening by
·
Providing brief, noncommittal acknowledging
responses, e.g., "Uh-huh," "I see."
·
Giving nonverbal acknowledgements, e.g., head
nodding, facial expressions matching the speaker, open and relaxed body
expression, eye contact.
·
Invitations to say more, e.g., "Tell me
about it," "I'd like to hear about that."
8. Follow good listening "ground rules:"
·
Don't interrupt.
·
Don't change the subject or move in a new
direction.
·
Don't rehearse in your own head.
·
Don't interrogate.
·
Don't teach.
·
Don't give advice.
·
Do reflect back to the speaker what you understand and
how you think the speaker feels.
The ability to listen with empathy may be the most
important attribute of interveners who succeed in gaining the trust and
cooperation of parties to intractable conflicts and other disputes with high
emotional content. Among its other advantages, as Burley-Allen points out,
empathic listening has empowering qualities. Providing an opportunity for people to
talk through their problem may clarify their thinking as well as provide a
necessary emotional release. Thomas Gordon agrees that active listening
facilitates problem-solving and, like Burley-Allen's primer on listening,
Gordon's "Leadership Effectiveness Training" provides numerous exercises
and suggestions for those seeking to strengthen their listening skills.
By Richard Salem July 2003 http://www.beyondintractability.org/essay/empathic-listening
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