How To Manage Somebody You Just Don’t Like
It was bound to happen: There’s that one person at work who, for
whatever reason, you just cannot stand. If they’re on another team or are one
of your counterparts, it’s workable, but what if you actually have to manage
that person? If you happen to have a direct report that you’re not particularly
fond of, you’re not the first manager to be in this situation. In fact, it’s
actually pretty common, given company restructuring at many organizations. For
those who are struggling with this sensitive situation, we’ve laid out four
steps to making the most of being stuck with a team member who just rubs you
the wrong way.
If you really don’t like someone who you’re responsible for
managing, it’s important to know your reasons before you do anything about it.
“Hopefully it’s because of something work-related, but in some instances, maybe
there is just something about a person that for whatever reason grates your nerves,”
says Keri Higgins-Bigelow, CEO and president of LivingHR.
“Maybe they always bust into your office and chat for too long, they are loud
when they are on the phone, they only talk about themselves, or they overshare
about their political beliefs.”
“Managing and leading a team is not really about what you like and
don’t like.”
Higgins-Bigelow says that when she’s coaching managers in these
types of situations, it’s typically uncovered that the dislike is more about
the individual’s attitude towards work than a genuine personality conflict.
Maybe they don’t take an active part in their team, aren’t improving
performance, or just have a blatant lack of interest.
On the other hand, sometimes the bad vibes are personal. “Many
workplace conflicts are due to a difference in personality style,” says Katy
Caselli, organizational psychologist and author of Building Giants: A
Proven System to Transform Your Workplace Through Effective Training.
“Knowing yourself and explaining your style to others can help soothe growing
conflicts,” she notes, but sometimes further escalation is required.
Before you get to that point, though, Higgins-Bigelow suggests
flipping around your thinking in order to examine the situation: “There are
people we love dearly (or like a lot personally) in our lives that we
would never want to work with. Who we work with and who we
like personally are not likely one in the same.” If the rift isn’t super
serious, sometimes reframing your thoughts like this can have a majorly helpful
effect.
So now that you know exactly why you don’t like this person, it’s
crucial to figure out how you can still do your job in spite of any feelings
you have about them. After all, your job is still to be their boss. “Remind
yourself that it is not all about you,” suggests Higgins-Bigelow. “Managing and
leading a team is not really about what you like and don’t like. It is about
how you can grow
yourself and your team to be better,” she
adds.
The best thing you can do is act like a leader, according to
Higgins-Bigelow. “We spend a lot of time coaching newly promoted managers on how
to create a better experience at work for the people that work for them. Your
role as their boss is to help them be successful in their role. You don’t need
to like them to give them feedback, make sure they know your expectations, and
be there to help them develop and perform.”
There are also very constructive ways to deal
with your negative
feelings toward someone. In fact, you might even
be able to turn them into an asset as a leader. “The trick is to study the
interactions and decide what behaviors are due to their personality style and
what behaviors are simply poor interpersonal skills or poor conduct,” says
Caselli.
“Personality differences should be appreciated, as diverse ways of
thinking end up creating better long-term solutions for the organization.” Poor
conduct, on the other hand, should be addressed through effective feedback.
When you think about it that way, it’s actually pretty simple.
If things are feeling tense even after you’ve refocused on doing
your job as a leader, it might be a good idea to go ahead and bring up the
situation with your direct report—because chances are they won’t feel
comfortable stepping outside their job role to confront you about it. “It is up
to the manager to start a conversation to improve the situation,” explains
Caselli.
Swallow your pride and ask them first if there is something you
could do differently to improve your working relationship.
“For example, one of the best remedies is for the boss to sit down
in private and start a conversation about the traits in the team member that
are most valuable and appreciated. Finish the conversation with a discussion of
what they would like out of the working relationship, such as further training
or opportunities to try new tasks.” The one thing you shouldn’t do during this
meeting? Do not get into a discussion of their negative characteristics.
Instead, give feedback about troublesome behavior in the moment as
it happens. This strategy allows you to “take opportunities to deepen trust by
listening carefully, asking for their opinion, and getting feedback,” says
Caselli.
If this tactic doesn’t work and it’s clear that the dislike is
mutual, Higgins-Bigelow recommends you bite the bullet. As the manager, you
need to swallow your pride and ask them first if there is something you could
do differently to improve your working relationship. “Then, you listen before
sharing your perspective,” she says. It’s always possible that there’s more to
the story than you know. “Seek to understand and resolve, not judge and be
right,” she adds.
If you’re not able to work things out, there is still one thing
you can use to optimize outcomes: Over-communicate your expectations. Even if
you don’t necessarily like each other, you can still set your team up for
success, says Higgins-Bigelow. “Share up front what you expect in terms of
cultural norms, behavior, and performance. It is amazing what people will do
not to disappoint.”
BY JULIA MALACOFF, GLASSDOOR
https://www.fastcompany.com/3068577/work-smart/how-to-manage-somebody-you-just-dont-like?utm_source=mailchimp&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=fast-company-daily-newsletter&position=1&partner=newsletter&campaign_date=03012017
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