7 Skills of Extraordinarily Likable
People
Some
people are naturally confident and self-assured.
Unfortunately,
I'm not one of them -- and possibly neither are you. Small talk doesn't come
easily to us, and those first five minutes are tough because we're a little shy and a little insecure.
Yet
we want to make a good impression. We want people to
genuinely like us... but we want them to like the real us.
Here
are seven ways to be who you are -- and to be extraordinarily likable:
1. Lose the power
pose.
I
know: Your parents taught you to stand tall, square your shoulders, stride
purposefully forward, drop your voice a couple of registers, and shake hands
with a firm grip.
It's
great to display nonverbal self-confidence, but go too far and it seems like
you're trying to establish your importance. That makes the "meeting"
seem like it's more about you than it is the other person -- and no one likes
that.
No
matter how big a deal you are, you pale in comparison to someone like, oh,
Nelson Mandela. So take a cue from him. Watch how he and Bill Clinton (no slouch at this either)
greet each other.
Clinton
takes a step forward (avoiding the "you must come to me" power move.)
Mandela steps forward with a smile and bends slightly forward as if, ever so
slightly, to bow (a clear sign of deference and respect in nearly every
culture.) Clinton does the same.
The
result is two important people who put aside all sense of self-importance or
status. They were genuine.
Next
time you meet someone, relax, step forward, tilt your head towards them
slightly, smile, and show that you're the one who is honored by the
introduction -- not them.
We
all like people who like us. If I show you I'm genuinely happy to meet you,
you'll instantly start to like me. And in return you'll show that you like
me... which will help calm my nerves and let me be myself.
Win-win,
in the best possible way.
2. Embrace the power
of touch.
Nonsexual
touch can be very powerful. (Yes, I'm aware that sexual touch can be powerful
too.) Touch can influence behavior, increase the chances of compliance, make
the person doing the touching seem more attractive and friendly.
Go
easy, of course: Pat the other person lightly on the upper arm or shoulder.
Make it casual and nonthreatening.
Check
out Clinton's
right-hand-shakes-hands-left-hand-touches-Mandela's-forearm-a-second-later
handshake in the link above and tell me, combined with his posture and smile,
that it doesn't come across as genuine and sincere.
Think
the same won't work for you? Try this: the next time you walk up behind a
person you know, touch them lightly on the shoulder as you go by. I guarantee
you'll feel like a more genuine greeting was exchanged.
Touch
breaks down natural barriers and decreases the real and perceived distance
between you and the other person -- a key component in liking and in being
liked.
3. Whip out your
social jiu-jitsu.
You
meet someone. You talk for 15 minutes. You walk away thinking, "Wow, we
just had a great conversation. She is awesome."
Then,
when you think about it later, you realize you didn't learn a thing about the
other person.
Extraordinarily
likeable people are masters at Social Jiu-Jitsu, the ancient art of getting you
to talk about yourself without you ever knowing it happened. SJJ masters are
fascinated by every step you took in creating a particularly clever pivot
table, by every decision you made when you transformed a 200-slide PowerPoint
into a TED Talk-worthy presentation, if you do say so yourself...
SJJ
masters use their interest, their politeness, and their social graces to cast
an immediate spell on you.
And
you like them for it.
Social
jiu-jitsu is easy. Just ask the right questions. Stay open-ended and allow room
for description and introspection. As soon as you learn a little about someone,
ask how they did it. Or why they did it. Or what they liked about it, or what
they learned from it, or what you should do if you're in a similar situation.
No
one gets too much recognition. Asking the right questions implicitly shows you
respect another person's opinion -- and, by extension, the person.
We
all like people who respect us, if only because it shows they display great
judgment.
4. Whip out something
genuine.
Everyone
is better than you at something. (Yes, that's true even for you.) So let them be better than you.
Too
many people, when they first meet, engage in some form of penis-measuring
contest. I know, crude reference... but one that instantly calls to mind a time
you saw two alpha male master-of-the business-universe types whip out their figurative
rulers. (Not literally, of course. I really hope you haven't seen that.)
Don't
try to win the "getting to know someone" competition. Try to lose. Be
complimentary. Be impressed. Admit a failing or a weakness.
You
don't have to disclose your darkest secrets. If the other person says, "We
just purchased a larger facility," say, "That's awesome. I have to
admit I'm jealous. We've wanted to move for a couple years but haven't been
able to put together the financing. How did you pull it off?"
Don't
be afraid to show a little vulnerability. People may be (momentarily) impressed
by the artificial, but people sincerely like the genuine.
Be
the real you. People will like the real you.
5. Don't ask for
anything.
You
know the moment: You're having a great conversation, you're finding things in
common... and then bam! the other person plays the networking card.
And
everything about your interaction changes.
Put
away the hard-charging, goal-oriented, always-on persona. If you have to ask
for something, figure out a way to help the other person -- then ask if you
can.
Extraordinarily
likable people focus on what they can do for other people -- not for
themselves.
6. "Close"
genuinely.
"Nice
to meet you," you say, nodding once as you part. That's the standard move
-- and one that is instantly forgettable.
Instead
go back to the beginning. Shake hands again. Use your free hand to gently touch
the other person's forearm or shoulder. Say, "I am really glad I met
you." Or say, "You know, I really enjoyed talking with you." And
smile: Not that insincere salesperson smile that goes with, "Have a nice
day!" but a genuine, appreciative smile.
Making a great first impression is
important, but so is making a great last impression.
7. Accept the fact it
won't be easy.
All this sounds simple, right? It
is. But it's not easy, especially if you're shy. The standard, power pose,
"Hello, how are you, good to meet you, good seeing you," shuffle
feels a lot safer.
But it won't help people like you.
So accept it's hard. Accept that being
a little more deferential, a little more genuine, a little more complimentary
and a little more vulnerable means putting yourself out there. Accept that at
first it will feel risky.
But don't worry: When you help
people feel a little better about themselves -- which is reason enough --
they'll like you for it.
And you'll like yourself a little
more, too.
JEFF
HADENhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/jeff-haden/7-skills-of-extraordinarily-likable-people_b_7206638.html?ncid=newsltushpmg00000003&ir=India&adsSiteOverride=in
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