BOOK SUMMARY 347
Conversational
Intelligence
·
Summary written by: Jane Bushby
“To get to the next level of greatness
depends on the quality of our culture, which depends on the quality of our
relationships, which depends on the quality of our conversations. Everything
happens through conversations!”
- Conversational Intelligence, page xv
In Conversational Intelligence, Judith Glaser
has written an impressive book which identifies the power of conversation in
creating positive organizational climates. What makes this book so impressive
is the provision of unequivocal science to support the importance of having
productive conversations in the workplace. Judith has structured the book to
take the reader from understanding why conversational intelligence is required
to build an environment of trust, through learning how we can bring the right
conversations to life, and concludes by identifying how to maintain this new
level of conversation amongst teams. The amount of information and Judith’s
pragmatic and practical ideas on how to implement constructive processes to
support the right type of conversation is incredible.
The Golden Egg
Conversations are not linear and we fill in the gaps ourselves
"The things we say, the things we hear, the things
we mean and the way we feel after we say it may all be separate, emerging at
different times... When what we say, what we hear, and what we mean are not in
agreement, we retreat into our heads and make up stories that help us reconcile
the discrepancies."- Conversational Intelligence, page 6
Trust is a key factor for helping people connect with
each other through conversation. Each of us has neurochemical reactions to
others: we can feed off another person’s energy and they feed off ours. This
means that we often make snap decisions and assessments about the person we are
talking with and involves identifying whether we think we can trust them. Our assumptions
about the other person can be influenced by our old memories about the
individual, ideas, beliefs or other things we make up, while trying to identify
whether we can connect with each other and create shared additional value and
benefit from the conversation. This can happen within 0.07 seconds, and this
decision can heavily influence the nature of the conversation. If we trust the
person we feel safe and so able to share our views more candidly. Where
distrust is involved, we can shut down and operate based on our assumptions.
At the heart of Glaser’s book is the ‘Conversational
Dashboard:’ identifying three levels of conversation with level 3 being the
optimum for creating a trusting environment:
Level 1: Transactional – people are exchanging information,
updates and facts that help us confirm if we are on the same page. There is not
a lot of trust and people are focused on what they need to get from each other
to confirm and validate their own perspectives.
Level 2: Positional – here individuals are advocating for
what they want and are seeking to ascertain whether they can influence the
other individual to share their perspective. Trust is conditional which can
raise the levels of uncertainty thus triggering the fear neurochemical
networks.
Level 3: Transformational – individuals conversing at
this level seek to share their views and learn more about the perspectives of
the others they are talking to; this leads to individuals working together to
co-create and achieve greater shared success.
Gem #1
You can be the architect of conversations for success
"Conversations are ‘rituals’ we embed into our
culture and our relationships, and which give us a way to successfully
structure our engagements with others… each ritual has a place and each
enhances or impedes communication and engagement… Conversational rituals are
what we do when we talk."- Conversational Intelligence, page 61
Glaser identifies that our conversations can be
structured in ways that support the development of shared trust and enabling success
and introduces the concept of changing existing rituals for new ones that can
facilitate better conversations. These conversations are ones where individuals
respect and care about the other person’s perspective to lead to co-creating
conversations where ‘both people are transforming each other’s thoughts,
ideas and belief systems’. Individuals are creating a shared sense of
reality rather than trying to persuade the other person to see and agree with
their point of view.
Alternatively, ineffective conversations occur when
individuals are intent on getting their message across, and talk past the other
person—resulting in shared monologues as opposed to dialogue. Glaser highlights
that this can occur due to conversational blind spots that individuals may have
which means they are seeing the situation from their own individual perspective
rather than seeking to understand the other person’s point of view. Five
examples are:
1. Assuming others see, feel and think about the situation
exactly as we do, preventing us from trying to understand it from their
perspective.
2. Failing to realize that fear, trust and distrust changes
how we see and interpret reality.
3. Being unable to see something from someone else’s point
of view if we are fearful or upset about a situation.
4. Assuming we remember what others say, we actually
remember what we think about what others say.
5. Assuming that meaning resides in the speaker, when it
resides in the listener.
Gem #2
Lack of trust can be the undoing of successfully managing
change
"Change brings with it uncertainty, and uncertainty
triggers fear. As leaders learn to reduce fear and increase trust within their
organizations, they lay the foundation for higher level conversations, where
opportunities for greater innovation, collaboration, and success are
revealed."- Conversational Intelligence, page 154
Change is a constant and vital for organizations seeking
to maintain their sustainability now and into the future. It makes sense that
successful leaders are those who can bring their people with them and who can
encourage their people to help them create the brave new world that might be
required. Encouraging your organization’s leaders to lead with level III
conversations is Glaser’s answer for how you can achieve successful and
effective leadership in times of change. Too often, leaders take a telling and
selling approach rather than working with their teams to co-create the future.
Without trust, teams become fractured, and leaders have to work much harder for
buy-in an alignment. When trust has been established, teams are unified and
working together, and are much better equipped to handle change.
Glasers’s book provides the framework for creating trust
in conversations, along with the scientific evidence which supports the need
for level III conversations. This book is a must read for anyone seeking to
create a positive and productive environment, both at work and at home.
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