What Makes Our Listening
Ineffective and How to Improve It
Engaging in selective
listening may be the easiest way to pick a fight with your significant other. I
know I’m guilty of it. I listen to what he says and assume I understand what he
means, and not always in a positive way.
This misunderstanding typically stems from
the fact that I am not actually listening at all. I am hearing what I want to
hear and tuning out everything in between. This causes me to have my own
version of the entire conversation, and it usually isn’t very accurate. Many
women will joke that their husbands have selective listening, but could it be
that we are all a little guilty of it?
What Is Selective Listening and Why It Is
Problematic
Selective listening, or selective attention, is the phenomenon that
occurs when we only see what we want to see and hear what we want to hear. It’s
a type of mental filtering in which we tune out someone’s opinions or ideas
when they don’t line up with ours.1 This isn’t just a
bad habit or rude behavior. It’s part of a big problem which results when you
are unable to hear what someone has to say because you are refusing to submit
yourself to the underlying confrontation. That potential fight is the real
reason we often stop hearing what someone has to say; we’ve already decided
they’re wrong because we are right.
If You Want to Have Good Listening, You Need
to Care First
Good listening ultimately comes down to priorities. If we deem something
to be important and worth listening to, there’s a good chance we are going to
block out all background noise and focus on that one thing. But if we’re
listening to our spouse remind us to get milk, there’s a good chance we’ll be
more focused on the celebrity gossip show we’re watching and listening to. In
fact, our brains were made to prioritize some audio cues over others!
Whether we are fully aware of it or not, we
are always selectively listening. Science has proven that our brains are able
to determine which conversations to tune out (no matter how many are happening
around us simultaneously), but our brains also give us the ability to focus on
specific conversations individually while multiple conversations compete for
our attention 2.
Selective Hearing Can Make You Close-Minded
and Destroy the Relationships You Cherish
Though choosing not to hear the request to take out the garbage can seem
petty, selective hearing as a whole is a big deal. It completely closes you off
to accepting, or even entertaining, different ideas. This ultimately impacts
the things you may choose to believe and learn.
More so, the partner who is sick of you “not
hearing” them ask you to wash the dishes or fold the laundry may not stick
around to see what else your ears ignore. Relationships only work if
communication is strong, and selective hearing makes it hard to understand the
needs and wants of others. In fact, some people may view your refusal to truly
listen as a sign that you are manipulating the relationship and making it
completely one-sided.
When You Recall the Memory of Not Being
Listened to, You’ll Know Why You Need a Change
Acknowledging that you may sometimes suffer from selective listening is
not enough — you have to change and be a better partner and friend.
Think about the last time it was clear to you
that the person you were talking to had no interest in what you were saying. It
was apparent that they didn’t want to hear what you had to say, and even if
they were nodding their head, your words were going in one ear and out the
other. Frustrating, wasn’t it?
Why do you think that person was tuning you
out? Was it the timing of the conversation? Were you interrupting something
important? Was it a deep conversation in which you knew the other person would
have opposing views?
No matter what, think about how that
conversation has affected every conversation you’ve had with that person after
the selective listening experience. Has it changed how you communicate? It’s
important to politely ask that person to be open to what you’re saying, but to
emphasize that they don’t have to agree with what you voice.
Listening Isn’t Only About Your Ears But Also
Your Mind
Choosing to be less selective in your listening does not mean you have
to be less selective in your opinions and ideas. Instead, it’s a matter of
welcoming differing opinions and allowing yourself to consider them. Even if
the end result is the same — you aren’t open-minded about a new idea, or you
will never help unload the dishwasher and dust the shelves in the living room —
fine. What matters is that you actively listened and made a decision after
weighing the options. Imagine the impact that could have on your communication
with everyone you encounter.
Remember, before this article, you may not
have realized that you ever listened selectively or that it could negatively
affect your relationships. So, be patient with those around you as they try to
be more self-aware, too. And hey, you could always casually share this article
with them!
Heather Poole
http://www.lifehack.org/572831/selective-listening-the-bad-habit-many-have-and-how-can-change?ref=mail&mtype=daily_newsletter&mid=20170515_tuning_v1&uid=687414&hash=707e797f7e757e6d794c856d747b7b3a6f7b79&action=click
No comments:
Post a Comment