10 Ways Manipulators
Use Emotional Intelligence for Evil (and How to Fight Back)
Emotional intelligence is nothing new.
Sure, the term
was coined in the 1960s, and popularized by psychologists in recent decades.
But the concept of emotional intelligence--which I define as a person's ability to recognize and understand
emotions and use that information to guide decision making--has been around as
long as we have.
This skill we refer to as emotional
intelligence (also known as EI or EQ) is like any other
ability: You can cultivate it, work to enhance it, sharpen it.
And it's
important to know that, just like other skills, emotional intelligence can be
used both ethically and unethically.
The dark side of emotional intelligence
Organizational
psychologist and best-selling author Adam Grant identified EI at its worst in
his essay for The Atlantic, "The
Dark Side of Emotional Intelligence":
Recognizing the power of emotions...one of
the most influential leaders of the 20th century spent years studying the
emotional effects of his body language. Practicing his hand gestures and
analyzing images of his movements allowed him to become "an absolutely
spellbinding public speaker," says the historian Roger Moorhouse--"it
was something he worked very hard on."
His name was Adolf Hitler.
The last thing anyone wants is to be
manipulated, whether it's by politicians, colleagues, or even those who claim
to be our friends.
Below, I've listed 10 ways emotional
intelligence can be used against you. Of course, these actions and
characteristics don't always identify a lack of ethics; a person may practice
them unintentionally. Nonetheless, increasing awareness of these behaviors will
equip you to deal with them strategically, and sharpen your own EQ in the
process.
1. They play on fear.
A manipulator will exaggerate facts and
overemphasize specific points in an effort to scare you into action.
Strategy: Beware
of statements that imply you lack courage or attempts to instill a fear of
missing out. Make sure you have the whole picture of a situation before taking
action.
2. They deceive.
All of us value transparency and honesty, but
manipulators hide the truth or try to show you only one side of the story. For
example, consider the manager or employee who purposefully spreads unconfirmed
rumors and gossip to gain a strategic advantage.
Strategy: Don't
believe everything you hear. Rather, base your decisions on reputable sources
and ask questions when details aren't clear.
3. They take advantage when you're happy.
Often, we're tempted to say yes to anything
when we're in an especially good mood, or jump on opportunities that look
really good at the time (but that we haven't really thought through).
Manipulators know how to take advantage of those moods.
Strategy: Work
to increase awareness of your positive emotions just as much as your negative
emotions. When it comes to making decisions, strive to achieve balance.
4. They take advantage of reciprocity.
Manipulators know it's harder to say no if
they do something for you--so they may attempt to flatter, butter you up, or
say yes to small favors...and then ask you for big ones.
Strategy: For
sure, giving brings more joy than receiving.
But it's also important to know your
limitations. And don't be afraid to say no when appropriate.
5. They push for home-court advantage.
"A
manipulative individual may insist on you meeting and interacting in a physical
space where he or she can exercise more dominance and control," says
Preston Ni, author of How to Successfully Handle
Manipulative People.
These people may push to negotiate in a space
where they feel ownership and familiarity, like their office, home, or any
other place you might feel less comfortable.
Strategy: If
you need to negotiate, offer to do so in a neutral space. If you must meet the
person on his or her home turf, ask for a drink of water and engage in small
talk upon arrival, to help you get your bearings.
6. They ask lots of questions.
It's easy to talk about ourselves.
Manipulators know this, and they take advantage by asking probing questions
with a hidden agenda--discovering hidden weaknesses or information they can use
to their advantage.
Strategy: Of
course, you shouldn't assume wrong motives in everyone who wants to get to know
you better. But beware of those who only ask questions--while refusing to
reveal the same information about themselves.
7. They speak quickly.
At times, manipulators will speak at a faster
pace or use special vocabulary and jargon in an attempt to gain advantage.
Strategy: Don't
be afraid to ask people to repeat their point, or to ask questions for clarity.
You can also repeat their point in your words, or ask them to name an
example--allowing you to regain control of the conversation.
8. They display negative emotion.
Some people
purposefully raise their voice or use strong body language to show they're
upset, in an effort to manipulate your emotions.
Strategy: Practice the pause. If someone demonstrates strong emotion, take a moment before reacting.
In some instances, you may even walk away for a few minutes.
9. They give you an extremely limited time to
act.
An individual may try and force you to make a
decision within a very unreasonable amount of time. In doing so, he or she
wants to coerce you into a decision before you have time to weigh the
consequences.
Strategy: Don't
submit to unreasonable demands. If your partner refuses to give you more time,
you're better off looking for what you need somewhere else.
10. They give you the silent treatment.
"By deliberately not responding to your
reasonable calls, text messages, emails, or other inquiries, the manipulator
presumes power by making you wait, and intends to place doubt and uncertainty
in your mind," says Ni. "The silent treatment is a head game, where
silence is used as a form of leverage."
Strategy: After
you've attempted communication to a reasonable degree, give your partner a
deadline. In situations where alternatives are unavailable, a frank discussion
addressing his or her communication style may be necessary.
Putting it into practice
There will always be those who work to
increase their emotional awareness--in both themselves and others. Sometimes,
they'll use that power for manipulative influence.
And that's exactly why you should sharpen
your own emotional intelligence--to protect yourself when they do.
BY JUSTIN
BARISO
http://www.inc.com/justin-bariso/10-ways-manipulators-use-emotional-intelligence-for-evil-and-how-to-fight-back.html?cid=em01014week34a