10 Techniques
Used by Manipulators (and How to Fight Them)
Psychopaths
walk among us. Here's how to resist their evilness.
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Pictures/Photofest
Psychopaths
aren't just the villains in slasher movies and Wall Street morality
tales. They walk among us in offices every day,
appearing at first like normal colleagues. One study found that a small but
significant portion of business leaders--3 to 4 percent--meet the
clinical definition
of a psychopath.
The same goes
for narcissists. Science shows a
touch of narcissism can actually aid business success, but spend any time at all in the world of work and you quickly
discover some professionals let their self-love run wild.
The long and
short of it is this: In the course of a normal business career you're almost
guaranteed to run into a few truly toxic narcissists and psychopaths who will try to abuse and manipulate you. Which is
what makes a
hugely in-depth Thought Catalog article on the
subject so valuable.
Not only does
it lay out a whopping 20 techniques toxic people use to get what they want, it
also provides suggestions on how to counter their manipulations. The
excerpts below might seem extensive, but these 10 short summaries are actually
just a small fraction of the advice available in the
complete post.
1. Gaslighting
"Gaslighting
is a manipulative tactic that can be described in different variations of three
words: 'That didn't happen,' 'You imagined it,' and 'Are you crazy?'"
Thought Catalog explains. "Gaslighting is perhaps one of the
most insidious manipulative tactics out there because it works to distort and
erode your sense of reality; it eats away at your ability to trust yourself and
inevitably disables you from feeling justified in calling out abuse and
mistreatment."
How can you
fight back? "Ground yourself in your own reality--sometimes writing things
down as they happened, telling a friend, or reiterating your experience to a
support network can help to counteract the
gaslighting effect," suggests the post.
2. Projection
You know when toxic people claim all the
nastiness that surrounds them is not their fault, but yours? That's called
projection. We all do it a little, but narcissists and psychopaths do it a lot.
"Projection is a defense mechanism used to displace responsibility of
one's negative behavior and traits by attributing them to someone else,"
notes Thought Catalog.
The solution? "Don't 'project' your own
sense of compassion or empathy onto a toxic person and don't own any of the
toxic person's projections either," the article recommends.
"Projecting our own conscience and value system onto others has the
potential consequence of being met with further exploitation."
3. Generalizations
You said a co-worker sometimes fails to
consider the long-term ramifications of a certain financial decisions. The
office psychopath claims you called him "a loose cannon." You noted
the deal could possibly go south if X, Y, and Z conditions occur. Your
narcissistic colleague tells the boss you said the deal is "a
disaster."
What's going on? It's not just that your
nemesis didn't understand what you said. It's that he or she had no interest in
understanding.
"Malignant narcissists aren't always
intellectual masterminds--many of them are intellectually lazy. Rather than
taking the time to carefully consider a different perspective, they generalize
anything and everything you say, making blanket statements that don't
acknowledge the nuances in your argument or take into account the multiple
perspectives you've paid homage to," Thought Catalog says, summing up this
behavior.
To counter it, "hold onto your truth and
resist generalizing statements by realizing that they are in fact forms of
black and white illogical thinking."
4. Moving the goal posts
"Abusive
narcissists and sociopaths employ a logical fallacy known as 'moving
the goalposts' in order to ensure that they have every
reason to be perpetually dissatisfied with you. This is when, even after you've
provided all the evidence in the world to validate your argument or taken an
action to meet their request, they set up another expectation of you or demand
more proof," says Thought Catalog.
Don't play that game. "Validate and
approve of yourself. Know that you are enough and you don't have to be made to
feel constantly deficient or unworthy in some way," advises the article.
5. Changing the subject
Switching conversational topics sounds
innocent enough, but in the hands of a master manipulator, a change of subject
becomes a means to avoid accountability. "Narcissists don't want you to be
on the topic of holding them accountable for anything, so they will reroute
discussions to benefit them," notes Thought Catalog.
This sort of thing can go on forever if you
let it, making it impossible to actually engage on the relevant issue. Try
"the "broken record method" to fight back: "Continue
stating the facts without giving in to their distractions. Redirect their
redirection by saying, 'That's not what I am talking about. Let's stay focused
on the real issue.' If they're not interested, disengage and spend your energy
on something more constructive."
6. Name-calling
Just because you've been dealing with this
one since you encountered your first playground bully doesn't make it any
less destructive (and apparently it continues all the way up to presidential
politics).
Simply don't tolerate it. "It's
important to end any interaction that consists of name-calling and communicate that
you won't tolerate it," Thought Catalog says. "Don't internalize it:
Realize that they are resorting to name-calling because they are deficient in
higher level methods."
7. Smear campaigns
"When toxic types can't control the way
you see yourself, they start to control how others see you; they play the
martyr while you're labeled the toxic one. A smear campaign is a preemptive
strike to sabotage your reputation and slander your name," explains
Thought Catalog.
Sometimes true evil geniuses will even divide
and conquer, pitting two people or groups against each other. Don't let
them succeed. "Document any form of harassment," advises the post,
and make sure not to rise to the bait and let the person's horribleness provoke
you into behaving in just the sort of negative ways they've falsely attributed
to you.
8. Devaluation
Beware when a
colleague seems to love you while aggressively denigrating the last person who
held your position. "Narcissistic abusers do this all the time--they devalue
their exes to their new partners, and eventually
the new partner starts to receive the same sort of mistreatment as the
narcissist's ex-partner," says the post. But this dynamic can happen in
the professional realm as well as the personal one.
Simple awareness of the phenomenon is the
first step to countering it. "Be wary of the fact that how a person treats
or speaks about someone else could potentially translate into the way they will
treat you in the future," Thought Catalog cautions.
9. Aggressive jokes
The problem isn't your sense of humor, it's
the hidden intention of that cutting joke. "Covert narcissists enjoy
making malicious remarks at your expense. These are usually dressed up as 'just
jokes' so that they can get away with saying appalling things while still
maintaining an innocent, cool demeanor. Yet any time you are outraged at an
insensitive, harsh remark, you are accused of having no sense of humor,"
the post says.
Don't let the office abuser gaslight you into
thinking it was all innocent fun--it wasn't.
10. Triangulation
One of the smartest ways truly toxic people
distract you from their nastiness is by focusing your attention on the supposed
threat of another person. This is called triangulation. "Narcissists love
to 'report back' falsehoods about what others say about you," warns
Thought Catalog. To resist the tactic, realize that the third party in the
drama is being manipulated as well--he or she is another victim, not your
enemy.
You can also try "reverse
triangulation," or "gaining support from a third party that is not
under the narcissist's influence."
BY JESSICA STILLMAN
http://www.inc.com/jessica-stillman/10-popular-techniques-used-by-manipulators-and-how-to-fight-them.html?cid=em01016week30a
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