RELATIONSHIP SPECIAL....IT'S NOT LOVE. YOUR BOYFRIEND IS ABUSIVE!

IT'S NOT LOVE. YOUR BOYFRIEND IS  ABUSIVE!   HE MONITORS YOUR FACEBOOK, CONTROLS YOUR MONEY, BANS YOU FROM SOCIALISING... If you are reading this, chances are that you won't read through the entire story , because the words `violence against women' trigger those same ol' brutal, yet surreal, images of illegal human trafficking, forced flesh trade, and of course, rape, murder... the stuff of crime blotters -not nice for an easy morning read. Moreover, it's not something that happens to everyday  women around you. And, definitely not something that could be happening to you, right? Wrong! Even as you read this, scores of young women in  relationships are putting up with abuse at many levels -physical, sexual, moral, mental, financial and emotional. While physical and sexual are more visible, the rest are equally damaging to a person's sense of self. Violence that stems from such abuse is not in your face. There are no physical scars or telltale signs, it's not reported and it often goes unnoticed,  because it happens behind closed doors. What's worse? It often comes with the disclaimer, `But Baby ,I love you...' So, women end up suffering silently, often for years, before they even realise something is wrong with  their relationship. As International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women just passed on November 25, we bring you stories of some real women who walked out of relationships after they finally realised that emotional abuse is a form of violence! NOTICE THE RED FLAGS & ACT FAST LEARN TO IDENTIFY  SIGNS OF ABUSE AND SAY NO TO EMOTIONAL VIOLENCE Sadly, most women in abusive relationships don't even know they are in one.  It's simple -if you feel restrained or bound, or if there is no consistency between your personal sense of right and wrong and what's happening to you, then it is abuse. A lot of women say, `He gets violent when he is drunk,  but he is absolutely nice when he is not'. It's crucial to understand that the  good times in a relationship can't compensate for the bad times. Women should judge the intention behind what is said or done to them. If a man is  `protective', he might not want you to travel alone late at night from work  because he is worried about your safety. But if he is `possessive', he is likely to not even allow you many options to do your everyday work. Most abusive men first defeat your self-esteem, and then play on your underlying fears of abandonment and loneliness. Identify abuse and seek support. -Dr Anurag Srivatsa, psychiatrist YOU CAN SEEK LEGAL HELP AGAINST ABUSE As per legal expert all of the above instances come under emotional trauma  and cases can be filed under IPC Section 506 and 509. Most of these cases will have evidence on SMS or WhatsApp, so there is a machinery in place to book tormentors like these. The girls should report any kind of violence  as it needs to be tackled. I WAS A VICTIM OF MENTAL ABUSE There was no physical violence in my relationship. But then there was mental trauma, lots of it. It was subtle but over the time, he made me believe that I was not good enough.My self-esteem evaporated. And that further bolstered his `kuch bhi chalega iske saath' attitude. I was constantly  seeking approval from him. And he kept putting me down. It was a vicious  cycle. I think the problem is that we are not taught to say `No' as young girls.  That makes it hard for us to identify what's the right thing to do when such a thing happens. Today, I am single. But the debris of that relationship still haunts me. Anita*, 28, musician HE HUMILIATED ME & MESSED WITH MY MIND My ex would constantly send me mixed signals. Like, he called me fat, but passed it off like it's a cute thing to say. He'd pick on me for my tanned skin, eating habits -all in the presence of his friends always.  I would be devastated. Then, he'd drool over other women and compliment  them in my presence.He could have as many female friends as he pleased,  but I was banned from having male friends. He clearly defined boundaries  for me but had none for himself. I realise that I stuck on due to the rifts in my own family. I was vulnerable. But once the realisation dawned on me, I was determined to leave. -Sowmya*, 29, writer HE CONTROLLED MY SOCIAL MEDIA AND CURBED MY FREEDOM My ex-boyfriend wanted to know every little detail of my day -who I spoke  to during lunch breaks at office, what happened throughout the day etc. He had my FB password, so all my chats were monitored too. When I had enough, and threatened to break up, he would apologise, cry and say he will  try to be better. But soon, he would be back as his usual abusive self. I put up with his torture for three years before finally moving on. Turning to my family and friends helped. -Nisha*, 25, management student HE ABUSED ME FINANCIALLY I had a boyfriend who made me spend all my hard earned money on him. If I asked him to pitch in, he always said `No'. Yet, he had absolutely no  respect for my work or salary. He constantly told me he was a broadminded person who let his girlfriend earn and spend, but in retrospect,  I realise he was nothing but an insecure, insensitive, selfish man who was  all about himself. He treated me like his personal property. It took over a year to reach my breaking point and I moved on with the understanding that I am no one's property. I wanted to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not feel humiliated. -Asha*, 28, copywriter Names withheld on request * Samyuktha K BT27NOV15