The Three Parts of an Effective Apology
"I'm sorry" isn't enough—
What else
needs to be said.
People make mistakes all the time. Not just
bad people, or weak people. All people. Our mistakes are what make us human.
And even when we don’t think that we’ve made a mistake, other people will often
find errors in our ways. We human beings are walking offenders.
Here’s the real question: If we’ve done
something that offends someone else—whether or not we feel we are to
blame—should we apologize?
I believe that it almost always serves our
highest good to apologize if we’ve hurt or offended someone else—even if we
think the offended person’s anger is unjustified, or if we have a perfectly
good excuse for what happened. Or if our intentions were all good.
Often, the impact of our action is not what
we intended. But here’s the thing:
Impact matters much more than intention. Our happiness is best
predicted by the breadth and depth of our social connections—our relationships
with friends, family, partners, spouses, neighbors, colleagues—and so broken or
fraying connections are usually worth repairing.
We don’t repair a fissure in one of our
relationships by ignoring it. (We have a saying in our family: You can sweep
sh*t under the rug, but it is still going to smell.) And we don’t repair it by
blaming someone else, or defending our actions. We initiate a repair by
apologizing.
But all apologies aren’t created equal, of
course. (All parents have watched children spit out a forced “SORRY!” and known
it was worthless.) A good apology is something of an art.
So what makes a good apology? After studying
that question extensively, Aaron Lazare developed perhaps the most robust criteria to date
for effective apologies. Drawing on Dr. Lazare’s work, I’ve whittled down his
ideas to the following three-step method for making a good apology.
Step 1: Tell them
what you feel
Usually, we start by saying “I’m sorry” to
express remorse. “I’m sorry” is more effective when we elaborate on our
remorseful feelings. For example, “I’m so sorry and sad to hear that my lack of
communication has made you so angry and resentful.” Or, “I’m so sorry and
embarrassed that my comment caused such an uproar.”
Just share the remorseful feelings, please.
It is not constructive is succumb to—and share—feelings of resentment or
defensiveness, like, “I’m sorry…you’re being so petty and critical.”
Step 2: Admit your
mistake AND the negative impact it had
This is the hardest part, because it requires
admitting responsibility for our actions or behavior. This can feel impossible
if we don’t really think we did much wrong, or if our intentions were good.
Ask yourself: How is the other person
feeling? What did I do that caused that feeling? Could I have done something
differently?
Then acknowledge these things. Empathize with
the offended person; the most important thing is that you demonstrate that you
are trying to understand how they feel. (Don’t apologize until you actually do
understand how they are feeling; if you can’t put yourself in their shoes, your
apology will ring false.)
For example: “I can see that my comment hurt
your feelings, and that you are feeling misunderstood and uncared for.”
Or to your partner you might say, “I know
that it was wrong of me to call you out in front of the whole family, and that
you are angry because I’ve hurt your credibility with the kids. I’m sure that
was embarrassing, and it was a mistake for me to do that.”
This is where most of us are tempted to offer
an explanation for our behavior. When in doubt, leave the explanation out;
trying to explain away our actions can seem like we’re being defensive, or
making excuses. (Remember, the point is to repair the relationship, not make
the other person see that you were right.)
If you need to shed light on why you did what
you did, be careful to continue to take responsibility for the negative impact
you had. Saying, “I really didn’t know that you would be offended” is an
excuse, not a good explanation. Whining that you didn’t intend for the other
person to be hurt doesn’t shed light on anything. More effective would be
saying, “It is no excuse for standing you up, but I want you to know that my
stepfather had just had a stroke, and I was so frantic to get to the hospital
that I forgot to call you.”
If you do offer an explanation, it can help
to reiterate your mistake and again acknowledge how the other person feels:
“Again, I’m so sorry that I didn’t call you, and that you were stuck there
waiting for me for an hour. I can only imagine how upset, worried, and angry
you must be.”
Step 3: Make the
situation right
Good apologies include a reparation of some
kind, either real or symbolic. Maybe you create an opportunity for the person
you embarrassed to regain credibility. Or perhaps you admit your mistake to
others, too, as a part of the reparation. In many relationships, a hug is a
great reparation.
Often, all we need to do is explain what we
are going to do differently the next time so that we don’t repeat the offending
action or behavior. This helps us rebuild trust and repair the relationship.
If you aren’t sure how to make it right, just
ask, “Is there anything I can do to make this up to you?”
Above all, deliver on any promises you make.
When we feel guilty or embarrassed, sometimes we over-correct in our attempt to
gain forgiveness. If the person is asking for something that you can’t
give, say so, and say that you will give some thought to what you can give to
make it up to him or her.
Knowing how to apologize well is at the top
of my Sweet Spot
Manifesto. It’s a life skill I want my children to
practice and master. And it’s one that I’m still working on myself.
By Christine Carter |
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_three_parts_of_an_effective_apology?utm_source=GG+Ed+Newsletter+November+2015&utm_campaign=GG+Education+-+November+2015&utm_medium=email
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