PERSONAL SPECIAL...IT IS NICE TO SAY NO

IT IS NICE TO SAY NO  Saying no when you must means you value your time, have priorities and would rather not commit to do a lousy job     Can you take on that extra assignment? Train the fresher? Host the party? Go shopping? Babysit? No wonder each day ends with the feeling that you’re spreading yourself too thin. Forget about time management tips and productivity mantras; one little word can save you a lot of stress and time — no!     Most of us are conditioned to say yes, say counsellors, whether we want to or not. It may be out of guilt, a desire to please or a misguided notion of doing it all. Social psychologist Susan Newman, author of The Book of No, feels that the need to please is so intrinsic that many equate saying no with saying “I don’t care about you”. Saying yes by default may lead to a feeling of importance, value and worth in the short term, but can have long-term negative consequences including poor quality work, a failure to delegate, no time for yourself, and a feeling of frustration and inadequacy. Dhanashree Thosar, 38, a Pune-based IT professional, believes saying no is “not in a woman’s DNA”. “We all have that innate desire to be our best — be the best worker, mother, wife, daughter or friend. But over time, I have learned to figure my priorities and say yes, if and only if, I can deliver,” says the mother of two. Thosar’s 17-year-long professional experience has taught her that it makes little sense to grudgingly take on additional responsibilities at work if you can’t deliver. “Bosses and clients are often appreciative if the no is followed up with a logical explanation. In relationships, I believe that you can only be the best if you do what is right, not something that seems right. It took me time, but I’ve moved on from saying yes by rote,” she adds. Learning to say no, whether to the boss, family, friends — or yourself — could lead to someone feeling offended or hurt temporarily, but it sends out a strong message — that you have priorities, value your time, and don’t want to commit and do a lousy job. BUT HOW DO YOU DO IT? Say yes, at first: This may sound odd, but being agreeable in the beginning ensures that the other person saves face. Once the person knows you want to help, see if you can get out of the request with either, “But I’m really juggling too many things right now. Can you get back to me after a week?” or “Is there some other way we can do this?” Keep in mind that the person may take you up on the offer, so only say yes if you want to help, but are too swamped at the time. Know your priorities: At work, keep yourself updated with what’s on your plate by maintaining a to-do now/future list. An Excel sheet marked with different priorities works well. Similarly, keep a running list at hand of all that needs your attention at home. Always check these lists before you take on any additional work or accept any request seeking help. “A day only has 24 hours, and there are so many things to be packed in. If I can’t say no, I tell myself that I am fitting in a new commitment into my schedule at the cost of time for myself,” says Shweta Law, a Noida-based interior designer. Value your time: Most of us don’t know how to do this and subconsciously feel that their time is not as important as anyone else’s. If someone asks you to do something that he or she could do herself and you agree to, you are sending out the message that your time is less valuable. Time’s an invaluable asset, so learn to value it. Dr Samir Parikh, Director, Department of Mental Health and Behavioral Sciences, Fortis Healthcare, says, “Saying no is about respecting your own time and ensuring that you don’t over-commit yourself.” Learn to anticipate: Often, with co-workers and friends, one knows when a request may come up. In that case, pre-empt to ensure that you don’t actually have to say no. Announce that you’re booked tight at work and have a slew of family engagements — whatever seems right then — to forestall any appeals. Be polite, but firm: Keen to be liked and to burn no bridges, most of us are wishy-washy while saying no. Chances are the no sounds like a may be. “We often feel that saying no would negatively affect our relationships. But we cannot become ‘yes’ men and women, and need to be able to say no assertively and effectively,” Dr Parikh says. Make it clear that your no is final and you won’t change your mind. Never apologise: If you respect your time, your skills and your decision, never say sorry for saying no. With an apology, you send out the message that your refusal is wrong and that you think you shouldn’t be saying it. “Saying no confidently also ensures that you don’t need to provide many explanations,” Thosar says. It may be tempting, but never turn down a request with “I’m sorry, but …” or “I wish I could, I’m so sorry”. A better strategy would be to sign off with “I’d love to, but I can’t.” SAY NO, NICELY » I would love to help you out, but I already made a commitment to XYZ. » I can’t do this as I have other priorities at the moment. » Now’s not a good time as I’m caught up in a whirlwind at work. Can we reconnect after a week? » I’m not the best person to help on this. Perhaps ABC could help? » E-mail me the details and I’ll get back with a definite response on when I can get this done for you. » If I could have a few more _________ (days, weeks, etc.), for this project, I could deliver something of higher quality. Is that a possibility? » I can understand that you’re in a spot. I wish I could help. HOW THE CORPORATE TRAINER SAYS NO In my decade-long experience with corporates, I have found that nonoffensive ways of saying no ensure that you retain respect and camaraderie, with bosses, colleagues, relatives and friends. » When asked for help or favours, try buying time. “Let me get back to you on this,” is my first response. I’m not saying yes; I’m not saying no. Even if I buy a 15-minute window, it helps. Sometimes, with time, people find their own solutions. If the problem isn’t taken care of, try delegating to someone who can help. Learn to put your work above everyone else’s. » If facing a sudden request, I usually say that I am doing something pressingly urgent. I take 10 minutes to evaluate all urgent tasks on my list. If I am to lend someone a helping hand, I should have my own house in order. No point in someone else having to help me with my work. If nothing else works, be ready to say yes — if the person/task is really important. Teja Lele Desai MM130115