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TO
TRUST OR NOT TO TRUST?
Is
the fear of betrayal stopping you from trusting people? If yes, then you’re
facing serious trust issues. Read on to know more...
We trust
other people in varying degrees, based on our experiences with them. There
are those who trust blindly and those who trust others easily, only to be
betrayed in more ways than one. On the contrary, we are often warned not to
trust strangers. While too much trust is a problem, mistrust, too, poses
similar problems. Here’s decoding the trust issue….
Psychologist Mansi Hassan recounts the case of a
couple in their mid-30s. They had stopped talking to each other for four to
five months. The reason: the husband spoke to one of his colleagues in
front of his wife, who presumed he was flirting and lashed out at him
physically. In retrospect, the wife realised that she over-reacted. But the
damage was already done, creating a crack in the relationship.
WHY SO MUCH SCEPTICISM?
In today’s dog-eat-dog world, relying on someone is extremely
difficult. However, it is not wrong to doubt people’s intentions to a
certain extent. Says consultant psychiatrist Dr Milan Balakrishnan, “It
becomes a problem when one finds it difficult to trust every person in
his/her life or someone very important like a partner or children. And the
cases of most of the patients who are seen in a psychiatrist’s office,
revolve around trust issues.”
EARLY START
P s ych o l o g i s t s believe that trust or lack of it can develop in
childhood itself. The development of a child does go through a phase of
trust v/s mistrust. Hence, a secure and emotionally healthy environment is
an essential part of a child’s upbringing and personality. Our social
learning plays an important part in building trust, which comes from our
experiences, opines Hassan. She further adds that sometimes, traumatic
experiences can lead to mistrust. Being cheated or betrayed makes one more
sceptical about others and their intentions. If a child has seen a father
cheating on the mother, he/she may have difficulty trusting the opposite
sex.
Apart from childhood experiences, other factors play important roles, too.
In the case of a paranoid schizophrenic, it’s the illness and the
neuro-chemical deficits that cause him/her to be suspicious and not trust
anyone. In a relationship, an individual’s personality can make him/her
prone to trust issues. A borderline personality, who tends to see the world
and his/her relationships either as “very good” or “very bad”, without any
shades of grey, is more prone
to trust issues and multiple failed relationships, says Dr Balakrishnan.
Also, low selfesteem can contribute to an inability to trust easily.
DOWNSIDE OF MISTRUST
How long can one live in peace, if he/she is cocooned with mistrust?
“Not trusting others means it’s difficult to form meaningful relationships.
You find yourself lonely, sad, depressed, and your self-esteem is further
damaged. Nobody trusts you either and you feel hurt and a vicious circle of
not trusting starts. In a relationship, excessive distrust can make life
difficult for the partner, pushing him/her into the arms of another,” warns
Dr Balakrishnan.
DEALING WITH MISTRUST
Psychologist Mansi Hassan shares the following advice:
Become aware: One should know if they have trust issues and work on
their thought process and actions.
Don’t generalise: If one person has betrayed you, it’s unlikely everyone
will do the same. It’s not “all black or all white.”
Use your past: Use past events to make you a better person and not a
negative person.
Trust yourself: How others behave with you is not in your hands. But you
can always control your actions. Believe in yourself and your decisions.
It is a learning process: Good and bad experiences are essential for learning.
Take it with a pinch of salt and learn from it rather than changing
yourself because of one bad experience. Apprehensions and discussions: If
you have apprehensions, discuss it with a neutral person to get a
perspective.
Unlearn negative experiences: Replace your negative experiences with positive ones.
Don’t be judgmental: Don’t judge things based on your opinions.
Express expectations: Express your expectations in relationships. Don’t assume
the other person to understand everything without any communication.
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