The new manner manual
If you want to
observe how manners have evolved or vanished - the ideal
setting is the Delhi Metro. On any average commute, you are bound to come
across habitual offenders: the loud phone talker; the groomer who can be
indulging in any or all methods of personal care - cutting nails, applying makeup,
combing hair; the eaters; the floor sitters and the most obvious ones, the
space invaders.
Manners — or the lack thereof — has become a corporate concern, too. Recently, the country's largest lending bank came out with its grooming and etiquette tips for its staff. It included a strong injunction against belching, especially "when in a meeting", among other guidelines.
Manner mavens have been concerned with the changing norms of etiquette for some time now. In fact, most peg the dawn of the mobile phones as a watershed in manner moments. Etiquette guru and corporate grooming expert Pria Warrick agrees. "Technology and our interaction with it are creating new manner minefields that didn't exist earlier." She's referring to the need for cell phone etiquette, netiquette or how we interact on social media.
Agrees author and corporate professional Yashodhara Lal. She says, "Clearly, we live in very interesting times. It is unlikely that a rulebook will develop, at least, one that is relevant for more than a few split seconds, until the next big wave of technological change sweeps over us."
To the manner born
Social commentator Santosh Desai mentions technology has created access and that has, in turn, created etiquette issues, though he's not worried. "Every time there's a change, etiquette takes time to adjust and fall in line," he notes. The notion of etiquette adapts to the stimulus. Desai points out how when cell phones had come in, it took time for people to form a code around it.
In a stuff.nz article, 'Are manners dead', chef Annabelle White blamed the demise of dining table for disappearance of manners. Her idea? In a push-button world, family dining around a table has disappeared, taking manners with it. Warrick agrees, "A dining table is a place in the house where behaviour is checked, where kids have their manners challenged like 'elbows off the table', 'don't talk with your mouth full', 'sit up'. You have to integrate and interact with others at a table."
Etiquette & Social media
With social media becoming the new society, the rules of engagement are also changing. Contrary to popular belief, we do manage to exercise some courtesy towards our fellow men. Desai notes how we all come from a background of protocol and are aware of societal restrictions or code. "What changes the game is social media. The freedom of restriction here does change how people behave and there is a suspension of etiquette," he says.
Etiquette exists simply to make society a little less confrontational. Life coach Aditi Mirchandani swears by a simple guiding principle: 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you'. "Are you okay if someone jumps the queue you are in? Are you okay if the person shuts the door on your face? Whatever the answer, that's what you practise," she says. With new contexts, rule making is slower to catch up, but we can help you steer clear of few manner minefields after consulting the experts.
Manners — or the lack thereof — has become a corporate concern, too. Recently, the country's largest lending bank came out with its grooming and etiquette tips for its staff. It included a strong injunction against belching, especially "when in a meeting", among other guidelines.
Manner mavens have been concerned with the changing norms of etiquette for some time now. In fact, most peg the dawn of the mobile phones as a watershed in manner moments. Etiquette guru and corporate grooming expert Pria Warrick agrees. "Technology and our interaction with it are creating new manner minefields that didn't exist earlier." She's referring to the need for cell phone etiquette, netiquette or how we interact on social media.
Agrees author and corporate professional Yashodhara Lal. She says, "Clearly, we live in very interesting times. It is unlikely that a rulebook will develop, at least, one that is relevant for more than a few split seconds, until the next big wave of technological change sweeps over us."
To the manner born
Social commentator Santosh Desai mentions technology has created access and that has, in turn, created etiquette issues, though he's not worried. "Every time there's a change, etiquette takes time to adjust and fall in line," he notes. The notion of etiquette adapts to the stimulus. Desai points out how when cell phones had come in, it took time for people to form a code around it.
In a stuff.nz article, 'Are manners dead', chef Annabelle White blamed the demise of dining table for disappearance of manners. Her idea? In a push-button world, family dining around a table has disappeared, taking manners with it. Warrick agrees, "A dining table is a place in the house where behaviour is checked, where kids have their manners challenged like 'elbows off the table', 'don't talk with your mouth full', 'sit up'. You have to integrate and interact with others at a table."
Etiquette & Social media
With social media becoming the new society, the rules of engagement are also changing. Contrary to popular belief, we do manage to exercise some courtesy towards our fellow men. Desai notes how we all come from a background of protocol and are aware of societal restrictions or code. "What changes the game is social media. The freedom of restriction here does change how people behave and there is a suspension of etiquette," he says.
Etiquette exists simply to make society a little less confrontational. Life coach Aditi Mirchandani swears by a simple guiding principle: 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you'. "Are you okay if someone jumps the queue you are in? Are you okay if the person shuts the door on your face? Whatever the answer, that's what you practise," she says. With new contexts, rule making is slower to catch up, but we can help you steer clear of few manner minefields after consulting the experts.
Manner Minefield
#1
Situation: You are taking food photos in a group outing.
Cell phones have unleashed a new class of rudeness. It has become common place to be taking and posting food photos while out in a group. Lal says, "A code around putting the phone away and actually looking at each other when we're together is required." Take photos as long as you don't delay everyone at the table. Also, don't get busy uploading it.
What's not acceptable: to take a call, text, browse, or force people for selfies.
Manner Minefield #2
Situation: You have WhatsApped your wedding invite.
Recently director Farah Khan tweeted: "Dear Mannerless people, if u want me 2 attend ur premier/preview/party DON,T send me a "janta invite" on WhatsApp! U r not doing me a favour! The least u can do is make a personal call. If u cant find the time for it what makes u think i hav time 2 get ready n cm for you??!" [sic] You may think Khan is over-reacting. But is she? Warrick says, a WhatsApp invite is okay among friends but a wedding invite should be given physically. "Nowadays, a lot of people use it - sometimes to save paper," she adds. In that case, follow up with a call or visit.
What's not acceptable: texting condolence messages. It's okay to express your condolences in a comment if the announcement has been made in a post - even then follow with a personal note or phone call; breaking up; wishing a close friend.
Manner Minefield #3
Situation: You are wearing torn jeans to a wedding.
Not following a dress code is a common faux pas. Mirchandani says, "Wearing torn jeans to a family function could be considered rude by one generation, while totally acceptable by another." It's more of an age thing: if you're under 25 years, you get a free pass.
What's not acceptable: ignoring the dress code (if specified). And if it's a theme party, follow it.
Manner Minefield #4
Situation: You use your commute time for personal care.
In 2014, the UK-based authority on modern etiquette Debrett's brought out its guide where eating and applying makeup on public transport received special attention. The verdict: avoid both. "It's inconsiderate to eat smelly food in a confined environment, and applying makeup on public transport can jeopardise that first impression and make you appear disorganised."
What's not acceptable: sitting on the floor, elbowing your fellow traveller.
Manner Minefield #5
Situation: My colleague swears at the workplace, usually not at somebody.
A 2013 Harris Interactive survey listed 'profanity' as the top workplace offensive behaviour. Warrick says, "People with etiquette make a more favourable impression." Depending on your workplace, a little swearing can be ignored but endless swearing, swearing in front of people you don't know and aggressive swearing are grounds for firing.
What's not acceptable: using gendered gaalis, aggression.
Manner Minefield #6
Situation: You start eating before everyone is served.
According to Debrett, it is rude to start eating at the table before everyone else has been served. At a party, look towards the host to give you permission to start. When out with friends, wait for everyone.
What's not acceptable: double dipping, taking food without permission, and not splitting the bill equally.
Manner Minefield #7
Situation: You got the number for a contact and just decided to call.
"Always check if it's a good time to call. In fact, message first," says Desai. The direct, unmediated access that technology provides to people is misused by most. Lal adds, "Just because people are accessible, doesn't mean you can make assumptions about them wanting to hear from you." Always start with a message, and never on WhatsApp - because for most that's a private message service.
What's not acceptable: calling or messaging at odd times, hounding.
Manner Minefield #8
Situation: You have a friend's wedding coming up and are stumped for a gift.
First up, go for wedding registry - makes life simpler. However, gifting money to a friend is not kosher, always buy a gift. As for the cost, spend what you think is appropriate to your relationship to the couple (also your pocket).
Situation: You are taking food photos in a group outing.
Cell phones have unleashed a new class of rudeness. It has become common place to be taking and posting food photos while out in a group. Lal says, "A code around putting the phone away and actually looking at each other when we're together is required." Take photos as long as you don't delay everyone at the table. Also, don't get busy uploading it.
What's not acceptable: to take a call, text, browse, or force people for selfies.
Manner Minefield #2
Situation: You have WhatsApped your wedding invite.
Recently director Farah Khan tweeted: "Dear Mannerless people, if u want me 2 attend ur premier/preview/party DON,T send me a "janta invite" on WhatsApp! U r not doing me a favour! The least u can do is make a personal call. If u cant find the time for it what makes u think i hav time 2 get ready n cm for you??!" [sic] You may think Khan is over-reacting. But is she? Warrick says, a WhatsApp invite is okay among friends but a wedding invite should be given physically. "Nowadays, a lot of people use it - sometimes to save paper," she adds. In that case, follow up with a call or visit.
What's not acceptable: texting condolence messages. It's okay to express your condolences in a comment if the announcement has been made in a post - even then follow with a personal note or phone call; breaking up; wishing a close friend.
Manner Minefield #3
Situation: You are wearing torn jeans to a wedding.
Not following a dress code is a common faux pas. Mirchandani says, "Wearing torn jeans to a family function could be considered rude by one generation, while totally acceptable by another." It's more of an age thing: if you're under 25 years, you get a free pass.
What's not acceptable: ignoring the dress code (if specified). And if it's a theme party, follow it.
Manner Minefield #4
Situation: You use your commute time for personal care.
In 2014, the UK-based authority on modern etiquette Debrett's brought out its guide where eating and applying makeup on public transport received special attention. The verdict: avoid both. "It's inconsiderate to eat smelly food in a confined environment, and applying makeup on public transport can jeopardise that first impression and make you appear disorganised."
What's not acceptable: sitting on the floor, elbowing your fellow traveller.
Manner Minefield #5
Situation: My colleague swears at the workplace, usually not at somebody.
A 2013 Harris Interactive survey listed 'profanity' as the top workplace offensive behaviour. Warrick says, "People with etiquette make a more favourable impression." Depending on your workplace, a little swearing can be ignored but endless swearing, swearing in front of people you don't know and aggressive swearing are grounds for firing.
What's not acceptable: using gendered gaalis, aggression.
Manner Minefield #6
Situation: You start eating before everyone is served.
According to Debrett, it is rude to start eating at the table before everyone else has been served. At a party, look towards the host to give you permission to start. When out with friends, wait for everyone.
What's not acceptable: double dipping, taking food without permission, and not splitting the bill equally.
Manner Minefield #7
Situation: You got the number for a contact and just decided to call.
"Always check if it's a good time to call. In fact, message first," says Desai. The direct, unmediated access that technology provides to people is misused by most. Lal adds, "Just because people are accessible, doesn't mean you can make assumptions about them wanting to hear from you." Always start with a message, and never on WhatsApp - because for most that's a private message service.
What's not acceptable: calling or messaging at odd times, hounding.
Manner Minefield #8
Situation: You have a friend's wedding coming up and are stumped for a gift.
First up, go for wedding registry - makes life simpler. However, gifting money to a friend is not kosher, always buy a gift. As for the cost, spend what you think is appropriate to your relationship to the couple (also your pocket).
Wedding website The Knot came out with ballpark figures:
Coworker and/or a distant family friend or relative: `3,000-4,000
Relative or friend: `4,000-6,500
Close relative or friend: `6,500-9,500
What's not acceptable: going without a gift*, saying you will bring something later.
How we interact with each other on social media is a new-age irritant. When is
it okay to tag someone; when is it okay to put elements of a private
conversation in the public domain? People have differing levels of comfort with
sharing, and we often forget to check before we share moments online —
Yashodhara Lal, author
* UNLESS THE INVITATION SAYS NOT TO GIVE GIFTS. GIVING GIFTS THEN IS BAD ETIQUETTE.
Nupur Amarnath
TL 4FEB18
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