6-step guide to a perfect apology
How to express regret without
coming off as "sorry but not sorry"
According to recent news
reports, Canadian PM Justin Trudeau will soon issue an apology for a
102-year-old incident where the country turned away a ship of 300 Indians who
had sailed ashore looking for a better life.
Trudeau's intention has
been well-received by many. After all, nothing like a heartfelt apology to
right a historic wrong.
However, the success of a
mea culpa is about execution. Roy Lewicki, professor emeritus of management and
human resources at the Ohio State University's Fisher College of Business,
published a research this month, which found that there are six basic elements
of an effective apology. The more points you hit, the more likely it is that
your apology will be accepted.
Here are the six features, in order of
importance:
Acknowledgement of responsibility
This means admitting that
something was your fault and taking ownership over the mistake. This is in
direct opposition to the notorious “mistakes were made“ non apology apology,
popular among politicians and others looking to shirk legal obligation. Think
back to the FIFA corruption scandal or the Lance Armstrong doping controversy,
where the apologies came across as insincere. The “sorry but not sorry“
approach communicates to the listener that a problem occurred, but the
`apologiser' doesn't know who did it, if there are any consequences, or how
serious it is.
This is when people promise
to correct the mistake they made by explaining what they're going to do to fix
things. A good example of this is Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella, who initiated a
companywide policy change after making some regrettable comments about why
women did not receive raises.
Expression of regret
This is the actual apology,
when you get to say “I'm sorry.“ Lewicki found that this was only the thirdmost
important thing you should say when apologising to someone.
Explanation of what went wrong
It's tough to not let this
part veer off into excuses. The value of trying is that it provides an
explanation that the wronged party can understand and empathise with. However,
there are at least two different kinds of explanations.
The first explanation is
one of competence: Was the wrongdoing an honest mistake, something that was
overlooked accidentally or something that wasn't properly considered? Or was
the wrongdoing a violation of integrity that reflects on the apologiser's
character? In other words, was it accidental or on purpose?
Declaration of repentance
Lewicki says that this is
an opportunity to promise that you won't let the mistake happen again.
Request for forgiveness
This is the least important
element of an apology according to Lewicki's survey research. All six elements
will depend on the situation, but Lewicki suspects that this element in
particular could depend most on context. Are the aggressor and wronged party
trying to re-build a relationship? Or is the apology about a business transaction
gone wrong, and thus isn't as emotion ally charged? These con textual clues
could deter mine whether or not a request for forgiveness is truly needed.
You don't have to hit all
six of these for the apology to work, says Lewicki, but the most important are
the first two. Elements three to five are of equal weight, and element six is
the one you can skip and still achieve the desired effect of being forgiven.
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