How to Make a Great
First Impression: 11 Things Sincerely Polite People Never Do
Want to
make a great first impression--and keep on making a great impression? Here's
how.
While you meet a lot of people, occasionally
you meet a person who stands out. She might be remarkably
charismatic. He might be extremely
charming and likable. She might be extremely
confident, in a genuine and therefore positive way.
People who stand out for positive reasons
aren't just memorable, though--they're also people we want to work with and do
business with.
And that's why genuinely polite people stand
out. (Not fake polite--sincere polite.) They make us feel comfortable.
They make us feel respected and valued. We want to be more like them.
And we want to do business with them.
Here's what polite people never do--and what
they do instead:
1. They never stay in place.
You're at a party. A friend gestures to someone
several steps away and says, "Let me introduce you to Bob."
Bob sees you coming...and he stands there,
waiting for you to come to him in some weird power move.
Remarkably polite people, no matter how great
their perceived status, step forward, smile, tilt their head slightly downward
(a sign of respect in every culture), and act as if they are the one honored by
the introduction, not you.
In short, polite people never "big
time" you; instead, they always make you feel like you're big time.
2. They never call you what you don't ask to be called.
You're at an event. You introduce yourself to
me as Jonathan. We talk. Within minutes, I'm calling you John. Or Johnny. Or
Jack. Or the J-man.
Maybe your friends call you J-man, but we're
not friends (yet), and you definitely haven't given me permission to go full
diminutive on you, much less full nickname.
Remarkably polite people wait to be asked to
use a different, more familiar, name. They call you what you asked--or later
ask--to be called because it's your right to be addressed in the way you wish
to be addressed.
Anything less would be
uncivilized.
3. They never touch unless they are touched first.
Polite people wait for the other person to
establish the nonsexual touch guidelines. (Handshakes excluded, of course.)
While I know that sounds like no one will
ever hug or pat a shoulder or forearm because no one can ever go first, don't
worry. Huggers hug. Patters pat. Backslappers slap. That's what they do.
Polite people go a step further: They never
pat or squeeze or slap (in a good way), even if they are patted or squeezed or
slapped. Sure, they hug back, but they don't reciprocate other forms of touch.
Why? Some people don't even realize they're
touching you, but they definitely notice when you touch them.
That makes them feel uncomfortable, and discomfort is the last way polite
people want other people to feel.
4. They never try to take before they give.
Take networking. The goal of networking is to
connect with people who can help you make a sale, get a referral, establish a
contact, etc. When we network, we wantsomething (unless we're Adam Grant, a guy who should be the poster child of unsolicited
giving.)
Still, at first polite people will never ask
for what they want. (In fact they might neverask for what they want.) They forget about what they can get and focus on what they can provide, because they know that giving is the only way to establish a real
connection and relationship.
Focus solely on what you can get out of the
connection and you will never make meaningful, mutually beneficial connections.
When you network, it should be all about
them, not you.
5. They never let on they know more than they should.
Some people share incessantly on social
media. And maybe you occasionally see what they've been up to.
But polite people don't bring those things
up. They talk about sports, they talk about the weather, they talk about
how The
Walking Dead is a metaphor for life in corporate
America, but they only talk about personal subjects the other person actually
discloses in person.
Maybe it seems like the person wants everyone
to know about a personal subject, but in fact that's rarely the case. So unless
his or her social-media broadcasts were specifically directed to you, always
wait.
6. They never ignore the elephants.
An acquaintance's mom died a few weeks ago.
You see him, and you're not sure whether to bring it up.
Remarkably polite people always bring it up.
They keep it simple, like, "I was sorry to hear about your mother. I've
been thinking about you and am hoping you're doing OK."
Awkward? Absolutely not. You've expressed
your condolences (which you should), and now you can both move on: Your friend is no longer
wondering if and when you might mention it, and you are no longer wondering
whether you should.
Where relationships are concerned, the best
elephant is a dead elephant.
7. They never gossip--or listen to gossip.
It's hard to resist the inside scoop. Finding
out the reasons behind someone's decisions, the motivations behind someone's
actions, the skinny behind someone's hidden agenda--much less whether Liam is
really dating Jeannette from marketing--those conversations are hard to resist.
Remarkably polite people know gossiping about
other people makes you wonder what they're saying about you. In
fact, when someone starts to talk about someone else, polite people excuse
themselves and walk away. They don't worry that they will lose a gossiper's
respect; anyone willing to gossip doesn't respect other people anyway.
If you want to share the inside scoop, talk
openly about your own thoughts or feelings--then you're not gossiping, you're
being genuine. That's what polite people do. But at the same time...
8. They never speak just to spread the greater glory of
themselves.
How can you tell? If you're talking about
something just because it feels really good to share it, and there's no place
for the other person to add value, you're just patting yourself on the back.
When remarkably polite people want to talk
about themselves, they ask for advice--but not humble brag advice like, "I notice you keep your car
really clean; what wax do you recommend for a Porsche?"
Ask a question that shows you truly value the
other person's expertise or knowledge. The person will feel good, because you
implicitly show you trust his or her opinion; you actually get input you can
use. Win-win.
And totally polite.
9. They never push their opinions.
We all know things. Cool things. Great
things.
Just make sure you share those things in the
right settings. If you're a mentor, share away. If you're a coach or a leader,
share away. If you're the guy who just started a Paleo Diet, don't tell us all
what to order unless we ask.
Remarkably polite people know that what is
right for them might not be right for others--and even if it is right, it is
not their place to decide that for you.
Like most things in life, offering helpful
advice is all about picking the right spot--and polite people know the right
spot is always after you are asked.
They never judge.
They don't judge the person they are speaking
to. They don't judge other people. They don't judge other cultures or countries
or, well, anything.
Why? Remarkably polite people realize they
aren't perfect either.
10. They're never bored...with you.
You meet someone, talk for 30 minutes, and
walk away thinking, "Wow, we just had a great conversation. She is
awesome."
Of course, when you think about it later, you
realize you didn't learn a thing about the other person.
Remarkably polite people are masters at
social jiujitsu, the ancient art of getting you to talk about yourself without
you ever knowing it happened. SJ masters are fascinated by your every career
step, your every journey of personal transformation, your every clever maneuver
on your climb to the top of your social ladder....
They find you fascinating--and that gives you
permission to find yourself fascinating. (That's an authorization we all
enjoy.)
Social jiujitsu is easy. Just ask the right
questions. Stay open-ended, and allow room for description and introspection.
Ask how or why or who.
As soon as you learn a little about someone,
ask how she did it. Or why she did it. Or what she liked about it, or what she
learned from it, or what you should do if you're in a similar situation.
And don't think you're being manipulative,
because you're not. Showing a sincere interest in people isn't manipulative.
It's fun--for you and for them. They get to talk about things they're
passionate about, and you get to enjoy their enthusiasm and excitement and
passion.
And if that's not enough, think of it this
way: No one receives too much respect. Asking other people about themselves
implicitly shows you respect them.
Respect is the mother of polite.
11. They never stop being polite.
They don't just turn on the charm the first
time you meet. They don't use it and lose it.
Remarkably polite people keep on being
polite: partly because they know no other way to be, but also because they know
there is no other way to be.
BY JEFF HADEN
http://www.inc.com/jeff-haden/how-to-make-a-great-first-impression-11-things-sincerely-polite-people-never-do.html?cid=em01016week18a
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