MARRIAGE SPECIAL... THE GOOD FIGHT
THE GOOD FIGHT
Conflict is unavoidable but learning how to war right strengthens the
relationship
Arguments
are unavoidable in relationships but how you fight makes all the difference. It
may feel therapeutic for the moment to vent and give in to a verbal whipping,
but it will only cause resentment and perhaps invite payback.
Clinical Psychologist Seema Hingorrany places arguments
in two categories — destructive and constructive. “Destructive arguments
include elements of hostility and vengeance. You can have a constructive
argument by sticking to the issue and dealing with it calmly. It prevents the
argument from culminating into a major breach.”
The way we fight reflects how our parents dealt with
issues. If you have a dysfunctional memory of your parents’ fights, you will
get defensive. If you’re harbouring grudges against your parents, it can spill
into your relationship, and intervention is crucial.
COMMON MISTAKES
People can
resort to open and/or secret warfare. Open warfare is where you are aggressive
and negative in approach, while secret warfare (e.g. silent treatment,
stonewalling) is passive aggressive. Seema lists the errors one is prone to
make in a heated moment:
» Turning nasty,
hitting below the belt or pointing out flaws.
» Character assassination, raising your voice
and hurting your partner’s ego.
» Digging up
past incidents.
» Bringing up
partner’s parents and say uncomplimentary things about them.
» Volleying
blame.
» Constant
stonewalling or giving the silent treatment.
» Threatening to
leave, which causes tremendous insecurity.
RESOLUTION TECHNIQUES
The goal of
arguments should be to become more aware of the problem, instead of
attacking the partner. Seema suggests these techniques to find the emotional
balance:
» Take a container each, label it and put notes about troubling issues in each
other’s container. It gives your partner time to process his/ her thoughts.
» Do one activity together, e.g. bake or work out together.
» Undertake calming exercises together — the Art of Living courses,
meditating before sleeping, talking about the best places you have visited.
Talking about something pleasant after the fight always works. Activating
positive memories is the key.
» Self-discipline is crucial. Accept that you cannot have a conflictfree
relationship. Don’t compare yourself to other loving couples. Don’t say ‘But my
personality is like that’; make an effort to change that trait. You can’t
expect your partner to automatically understand what you are going through.
Banging doors, public fights, etc. reach that level of catastrophe because you
haven’t addressed the issues. Modulate your voice and watch your body language.
» Don’t take your problems to bed. If it gets destructive (e.g. verbally abusive),
declare a time-out.
» Be relaxed and
calm. The more you badger, the less your partner will be willing to talk.
Avoiding confrontation is a part of some people’s personality. Understand their
personality and respect that. Sometimes writing a note, e-mail or a gold
old-fashioned letter is the best way to communicate with a passive aggressive
partner.
» Never stonewall your partner. If you don’t want to talk, step away but
provide an explanation.
» Avoid long gaps in a fight, otherwise your partner will hold grudges and
resent you.
» Never argue when you or your partner are tired or hungry.
» Don’t start the blame game; it will only make the other person defensive.
Both of you can make a list of pointers that bother you and then deal with them
diplomatically.
» Women are wired to communicate; they need coping resources as the stress can
lead to lack of sleep and loss of appetite. Journaling helps to contain the
negativity. Cultivate new friendships and hobbies to put problems in
perspective.
» Emotional distance is crucial. If you’re hyper, take a walk and come back.
» Choose battles wisely.
» Beware of magnifying or distort problems. Stick to the issue and keep the
conflict specific.
» Some people suffer from mood swings. Catch them in a good mood if you want to
make a point. You can’t change the core of a person, but learn how to work
around it.
» Respect the
boundaries of the relationship. Do not discuss the issues with outsiders except
for a commonly agreed upon mediator.
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