The emotionally intelligent way to resolve disagreements faster
Unpacking
the counterintuitive psychology behind conflict resolution.
Imagine you run a tech startup. Cash is
tight, but you can’t afford to enter the market with a product that doesn’t
live up to its promises. And right now, it’s clear that your engineers aren’t
focusing enough on the user-experience issues. Your senior engineer just won’t
play along, though. You and she can’t seem to agree on what matters. She
wants to do an early launch so the engineers can test features and improve them
before fine-tuning the UX, arguing that other software companies, including
major tech giants like Apple and Google, launch beta versions all the time. She
suggests that you’re just burning cash and wasting time, that you don’t
understand how tech companies work and need to trust her on this.
But you don’t. You’re worried about the
brand; what if first-time users give you just one chance, hate the UX, and
never return? If your launch product isn’t user-friendly, your whole business
could be destroyed. Weeks go by and your disagreement with the senior engineer
is going nowhere. You’ve tried bringing evidence and examples to prove to her
that she’s wrong, and she’s done the same to you. The arguments have started to
get heated, she’s getting concerned about your leadership, and you’re getting
concerned about her commitment.
What should you do? What you should’ve done
much earlier: Find something–anything–to agree on, as long as it’s
meaningful.
AGREE ON SOMETHING (OTHER THAN THE SOLUTION)
It’s natural during conflicts to feel you
have to prove that you’re right, but this only escalates things. One party may
give in, but it will be at the expense of wasted time, energy, and morale.
However, a surprising thing happens when you take the opposite approach. By
finding some common ground as soon as you detect the first signs of tension or
conflict, you can start working quickly toward a mutually agreeable solution.
There’s always something true in the other
party’s thinking. It may be their intention, premises, logic, concerns, or the
factors they’re weighing. For example, you might agree with your senior
engineer’s concerns and say to her, “I agree. It would make a lot of sense to
get real user testing at this stage on our basic features before we put a lot
more energy into other things. Let’s find a way to do that without a public
launch. I need to also make sure we protect the brand experience.”
Alternatively, you might agree with her
premises and say, “You make a great point that the tech giants do a lot of this
kind of testing, and it’s hugely beneficial to getting the product features
right. We should follow their lead. I think we won’t get the chance to learn
about those features unless users have a simple and positive experience. That’s
something else great companies do. What will it take for us to get to that
point before we put our product out there?”
Or you may even seek a deeper truth and say,
“I appreciate how much you want this product and this company to be amazing. I
share that optimism and enthusiasm. That’s why I think we have so much
potential here. Let’s think about where we’re both trying to get to.”
When you find a way to agree with
something other than the solution to the problem you’re
debating, you can shift the frame of the conversation to include a factor
you both see as true and relevant. That makes it easier
for the other person to lay down their arms and stop fighting. Instead, they
start listening.
THE PSYCHOLOGY OF AGREEING
This approach creates what psychologists
call “shared reality” and “procedural justice.” Shared reality is what happens when others see the world as you do
and then find a way to let you know. It’s very unsettling when others don’t
share your understanding of reality. When they do, however, it puts people on
the same team and opens them up to collaboration. Procedural justice is about
getting a fair hearing. It’s when people can ask themselves, “Did I get a
chance to actually be heard?” and answer in the affirmative. We’re far more
likely to accept an outcome if we feel like we’ve been listened to and
understood. Not only does finding something to agree on fulfill both of these
psychological needs, but research also suggests that people tend to automatically reciprocate. So when you agree,
your opponent is more likely to find something else to agree
with you about in turn.
Wait, though: What if agreeing makes you look
like a pushover? What if the other person really is to blame for something–will
you be letting them get away with it? And if you give a little ground, won’t
they just take more? These are all important concerns. But the fact is that
they remain liabilities whether or not you find something in their argument to
agree with; acknowledging common ground doesn’t totally invalidate your
argument. You can agree and remain very strong about what matters to you. You
can agree and still address how you came to be in the situation. And you can
agree and stand your ground. Having created the basis for shared reality,
procedural justice, and reciprocity, you’re less likely to meet resistance for
standing up for your own needs in these ways.
So when you find yourself locked in
disagreement, the emotionally intelligent thing to do is to agree–not
necessarily with the other party’s conclusions or proposed solution, but with
some truth in what they believe. It could be their goals, intentions, concerns,
emotions, or something bigger-picture that you share. It has the surprising and
counterintuitive effect of disarming people, so you can move past disagreement
and on to collaboration.
There’s one more, often unexpected result of
this approach. Agreeing tends to bring out the best in other people, but it can
also bring out the best in you. By pushing yourself to find common ground,
you can shift your own thinking in a more collaborative direction, too. A
little more flexibility and understanding–on all sides–is surely a good thing.
BY JOSH DAVIS AND HITENDRA WADHWA
https://www.fastcompany.com/90206297/the-emotionally-intelligent-way-to-resolve-disagreements-faster?utm_source=postup&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Fast%20Company%20Weekly&position=7&partner=newsletter&campaign_date=08032018
No comments:
Post a Comment