Three Steps to Say
“No” Gracefully
“Yes” often feels better than “no”—but that doesn’t mean it’s always
the right thing to say.
Yesterday, a friend asked me if she could
borrow my car to run a long-distance errand because my little car gets better
mileage than her big one. I wanted to say no; switching cars on an already busy
day felt like a hassle to me. But I didn’t say no. Instead, I hemmed and hawed
and hesitated, hoping she’d get the hint.
It can be really hard to say no. Despite my
best attempts not to care what other people think
of me, I still find myself wanting to be liked. I
don’t want people to think I’m selfish. More than that, I don’t want to be selfish.
And I never want to miss easy opportunities to help someone out.
But we human beings will often choose
what is most satisfying in the present rather than
what will make us happiest in the future—and pleasing others (and thinking of
ourselves as generous) by saying yes tends to be far more pleasant in the
present than saying no. But saying yes when we want to say no tends to bite us
later, in the form of resentment and exhaustion.
We can make better decisions by picturing
ourselves moments before the event in question. Would we be relieved if it were
canceled? If so, we’ve got to say no now so that we don’t find ourselves trying
to weasel out of it later. Here’s how.
1.
Rehearse saying no
When we are stressed and tired, we tend to
act habitually. Knowing this, we can train our brain to habitually say no
rather than yes to requests by rehearsing a go-to response when people ask us
for favors. Research shows that
when we make a specific plan before we are confronted with a
request, we are far more likely later to act in a way that’s consistent with
our original intentions.
Something simple—like, “That doesn’t work for
me this time”—is almost always sufficient. Pick a default way to respond when you don’t want to
do something, and practice saying it before you need it.
2.
Be clear about your priorities and truthful in your refusal
Saying no is easier when we’re clear about
our priorities; it’s even harder to decline a request when our reasons for
doing so seem unimportant.
I could see that if I had to switch cars with
my friend it was going to screw up my whole morning, and it would mean that
while I could make it to my meeting in time, I would not be able to take the
dog for a morning walk. “I won’t be able to walk the dog,” would have felt like
a weak explanation. But walking the dog is my favorite part of my morning, and
I count on it to get centered for the day. So, it was also true for me to say,
“I have plans in the morning which would make it hard for me to switch cars
with you tomorrow.”
“Saying yes when we want to say no tends to
bite us later, in the form of resentment and exhaustion”
―Dr. Christine Carter
Note that even though I was being vague about
my plans, I was telling the truth. Untrue excuses and white lies lead to further
entanglements and greater stress. Lying sends your unconscious the message that
there’s something wrong with saying no—but there’s not.
Be honest, but don’t be afraid to be vague.
Telling the truth is not the same as sharing more details than are necessary,
even if someone asks why you can’t help them out or come to
their party. Detailed explanations imply that the other person can’t handle a
simple no—and they often lead to people solving your conflicts for you, when
you don’t really want them to.
If your “no” isn’t accepted with grace, persist. Repeat your point
calmly, using the same words. This will help the other person see
that you are sticking to your no, and that their pestering isn’t changing your
answer. If that doesn’t work and you need something else to say, express
empathy. For example, say, “I understand that you are in a tough spot here,”
or, “I know this is hard for you to accept.”
If they still won’t back down, tell them the truth about how you
are feeling. For example: “I feel uncomfortable and a little angry when you
continue to ask me even though I’ve declined.” Focus on your emotions—how
their refusal to accept your honest answer is making you feel—and
not the logistical details or logic for your refusal.
3.
Make your decision final
Harvard psychologist Dan Gilbert has famously shown that
when we can change our mind, we tend to be a lot less happy with our
decisions. So, once we decline an invitation, we need to make an effort to
focus on the good that will come from saying no, not the regret or
guilt we might feel. Perhaps we will be better rested because we didn’t go to a
party, or we’ll feel less resentful because we let someone else help out. Maybe
saying no to one thing frees up time for another (more joyful) activity.
Say you are thinking of missing your monthly book club because you
aren’t interested in the book. Send your RSVP as a definitive no, not a
“maybe.” And then immediately turn your attention to all the time you just
freed up for yourself. What do you get to do now instead?
This strategy can be a great tool for offsetting the fear of
missing out. The brain reacts to potentially missing out on
something in the same way it would to an actual loss. By
focusing on what we gain by saying no, we keep our brain from perceiving loss.
If you are feeling nervous about saying no, take a moment to call
up the respect for yourself that you’d like others to feel for you. It takes
courage to consider your own needs and priorities along with the needs of
others. But it’s worth it. In the long run, the ability to say no is a
little-known key to happiness.
BY CHRISTINE CARTER
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/three_steps_to_say_no_gracefully?utm_source=Greater+Good+Science+Center&utm_campaign=36ff872c0e-GG_EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_2017_10_4&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_5ae73e326e-36ff872c0e-51482775
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