This Is Why No One Understands What You’re Saying
No matter what the specific issue is, it’s your problem to fix. Here’s
what to do about your office miscommunications.
There
are some days when it feels like no one is listening. Your boss isn’t
understanding the project problems you discussed. Your team isn’t getting results.
Your new intern can’t seem to grasp the simplest concepts. You think you’re a
pretty good communicator—but is it them or you?
“It’s
always you,” says business social scientist Joseph Grenny, coauthor of Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes
Are High. “It
could be that you failed to communicate, and so it was a fact gap, or it could
be an expectation gap, or it could be that on the other side they’re not being
attentive. It could be that they have different incentives. It could be that
we’ve got a poor medium of communication. But in any of those instances, the
problem is mine, because if I’m not getting the results I want, I need to ask,
‘What can I do to close that gap?'”
While
it can be hard to do a self-check when it comes to effective communication to
others, there are some signs that you may need to change your style or
approach.
If
you’re not getting the results you want or if you’re having meeting after
meeting and you’re not getting the response you want from your team, it’s time
to look at how and what you’re communicating, says Matt Eventoff, owner
of Princeton Public Speaking, an executive communication
training firm, and the founder of The Oratory Project, which teaches executive
communication skills to at-risk young adults.
Other signs include:
Avoidance. People only approach
you with questions or feedback when they absolutely need to do so, Eventoff
says. They don’t seek you out otherwise.
Lack
of clarity. If
you walk away from a conversation or meeting and cannot remember what the other
person said or cannot articulate their point of view, you’re not listening
properly, which is essential for good communication, Eventoff says.
A
pattern of misunderstanding. If multiple people have misunderstood you
on more than one occasion, it’s not just an isolated incident of
miscommunication, says Shani Magosky, founder of the Better Boss Project, a leadership training and executive coaching
firm.
In
other words, if it seems like everyone around you just “doesn’t get it,” maybe
it’s time to improve how you’re conveying your messages. Try these tips.
DO A SELF-ASSESSMENT
First,
you need to take an honest look at how you communicate, Grenny says. Are you
thorough, clear, and factual in how you convey yourself? How consistent are you
in how you communicate? And do you involve all of the stakeholders so you can
get different perspectives? Look at how clear you make your expectations—and
how open you are to understanding what others expect of you. Finally, how do
you handle “crucial conversations” that can be emotionally or politically
charged? Having a sense of which areas that are often avoided or tend to fester
until they’re problematic can help you defuse situations that get in the way of
progress.
DITCH YOUR ASSUMPTIONS AND ASK
Asking
curious, open-ended questions encourages dialogue instead of dictating what
other people should do or think, Magosky says. “The best communicators listen
more than they speak,” she says.
To be
effective in information gathering this way—which will inform your
communication—you need to let go of assumptions. “Humans are assumption-making
machines, but effective communicators are self-aware enough to recognize when
they’re jumping to conclusions, making judgments, or using labels,” Magosky says.
Instead, communicate about observable data in non-emotional, business-oriented
terms. When you’re unsure about the next move, ask more questions.
DEFINE YOUR EXPECTATIONS
People
need to know the outcome that you’re seeking or the result you want, Eventoff says. If you’re not getting the
result you want, go back to whether you were clear about what, exactly, those
results should have been.
“It
might not be because they don’t like what you’re saying. It might be because
they don’t understand what you’re saying, and they don’t want to offend you or
appear rude or harsh,” he says. If you’re using a lot of jargon or vague
language, or trying to communicate in endless emails instead of calling a quick
face-to-face meeting where you can show that you’re open to questions and
explaining what you want, you’re likely to get much better results, he says.
“If I
say, ‘Well, we have to go do the A, B, C algorithm because X, Y . . . the, you
know, the Z, the Z drive is the X, Y, Z hub,’ [they] might just say, ‘Oh, okay,
Matt, sounds good,'” he says. However, they may be thinking, “I don’t know what
that was and, hopefully, when he sees me again, he won’t speak like that, and
we’ll be able to move forward with something.”
LISTEN
Eventoff
says listening is essential to good communication. After
meetings, he typically jots down a few notes about what was said and what
others’ viewpoints were. If he can’t articulate them, it’s a sign he needs to
go back and ask more questions to be sure he was clear.
ESTABLISH A SYSTEM OF FEEDBACK
“Any
time [there is] performance art, it’s necessarily to receive regular communication feedback in order for performance to improve, and is the ultimate performance art,” he says. When you communicate,
there is always an audience by definition. “People who are continuously seeking
feedback are the ones who get the best at it for saying, ‘What am I missing
here? What have I not told you? Am I filling you in consistently?’ And not just
up that chain, but down the chain, and sideways,” he adds. Those who are hungry
for feedback are the ones who will improve most consistently.
BE HUMAN
Magosky
says it’s important to remember that all people have good days and bad days.
Being a good communicator requires compassion, empathy, and understanding when
communicating–especially in potentially difficult conversations. “A well-known
study by Google showed that the common denominator among the most effective
teams is psychological safety, meaning people at all levels feel comfortable
being open and transparent without fear of repercussions,” she says.
BY GWEN
MORAN
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