The Perfect Way to Say No and
Make it Stick
Sometimes "no" is the hardest thing of all
to say to others... and to yourself.
Saying
yes to too many opportunities, too many projects, and too many people is a
recipe for failure. As Derek Sivers likes to say, "No more 'yes.' It's either, 'Hell yeah!' or
'no.'"
The
problem is, when most of us say "no" it too often turns into a
"yes." Maybe a friend pleads. Or a vendor begs. Or a customer argues
and cajoles and chips away at our resolve until no becomes maybe... and maybe
becomes yes... and we wind up agreeing to something we wish we hadn't.
Or--and
this is even more likely--maybe you chip away at your own
resolve until you wind up doing something you didn't want to do but you
eventually couldn't say no to yourself.
So what
is the best way to say no? It's easy. Just change one word: stop saying
"can't" and start saying "don't." It works. Science says
so.
Here's
why.
Researchers conducted a simple study: one group was given a
simple temptation and told to say, in the face of that temptation,
"I can't do (that)." The other group was told to
say, "I don'tdo (that.)"
What
happened?
·
Participants told to say,
"I can't," gave in to the temptation 61% of the time.
·
Participants told to say,
"I don't," only gave in 36% of the time.
Pretty
cool, right? It gets better.
Then the
researchers conducted another study. Participants were told to set a personal
long-term health and wellness goal. When their motivation inevitably flagged,
one group was told to say, "I can't miss my
workout." Another other group was told to say, "I don't miss
workouts." (The control group was not given a temptation-avoidance
strategy.)
After ten
days, here were the results:
·
3 out of
10 control group members
stuck to their goal.
·
1 out of
10 "I can't"
group members stuck to their goal.
·
8 out of
10 "I don't"
group members stuck to their goal.
Not only
was "I can't" less effective than "I don't," "I
can't" was less effective than no strategy at all.
Why?
According to the researchers, "The refusal frame 'I don't' is more persuasive
than the refusal frame 'I can't' because the former connotes conviction to a
higher degree... perceived conviction mediates the influence of refusal frame
on persuasiveness."
Or in
language the rest of us understand, when we say, "I can't" we
automatically give ourselves a way out. Sure, I could... but this time I'm
choosing not to. Pretty much. At least I think so. But then again, maybe I
could...
But when
we say, "I don't," we're powerful. We're determined. We're not making
a choice. What we do--or don't do--is based on who we are.
Which
sounds more powerful, affirming, and empowering?
·
"I can't give you a
discount," or, "We don't discount our products."
·
"I can't cut corners on
this project," or, "We don't relax our quality standards."
·
"I can't skip my workout
today," or, "I don't miss workouts."
"I
don't" always wins, because "I don't" leaves no room for
argument, for compromise, or for discussion--especially with yourself.
How many
times have you said, "I can't," only to end up doing what you said you
couldn't do? My guess is a bunch. That's because other people hear
"can't" and automatically think, "Okay... but under what
circumstances can you do what I'm asking?"
Most
people hear, "I can't," as something they can find ways to get
around. (Shoot, most of the time when we say, "I can't," to ourselves
we immediately start thinking of ways to get around it--that's why so few
people achieve their personal and professional goals .)
But how
many times have you said, "I don't," and later given in to temptation
or pressure? My guess is far fewer times.
Most
people won't dispute, "I don't," because "don't" doesn't
sound like a decision--"don't" sounds like a conviction, one
that offers no room for discussion or argument.
"I
can't" sounds tissue paper thin because it's a decision based on external
reasons or causes.
"I
don't" sounds like a brick wall because it comes from deep inside you.
It's part of your identity. It's who you are.
Harness
the Power of "I Don't"
When you
really need to say no, simply start saying, "I don't."
"We
don't offer discounts." Say you really don't want to offer discounts because
not only will your margins suffer, but competing on price is a slippery slope
you can't afford to step onto. Instead of saying, weakly and almost apologetically,
"I'm sorry but we can't drop our prices any lower..." say, firmly and
with conviction, "We don't offer discounts."
And then
either remain silent and wait for a response or shift the conversation to what
you may be wiling to do, like providing a quicker turnaround, or extending
payment terms, or breaking a large order down into smaller shipments.
Use,
"I don't," to ensure what must be non-negotiable remains non-negotiable
and then shift to terms you are willing to negotiate.
"I
don't have time right now." Say an aspiring entrepreneur asks, "Can you
give me ten minutes to give me feedback on my idea?" You'd love to say yes
to everyone but that's not possible. Saying, "I'm sorry, but I
can't..." immediately results in, "But I promise it will only take a
minute... so here's what we've done..." and you're trapped--now you either
have to hear him out or be rude. Either way you lose.
Instead
say, "I'm sorry, but I don't have time right now. Give me your card and
possibly we can schedule a meeting." You'll get a card and then you can
say yes on your terms.
"I
don't care what other people think."
Most of
the time we should worry about what other people think--but not if it stands in
the way of living the life we really want to live.
I can't
care? Heck with that. I don't care.
You
shouldn't care; it's your life, and there's only one option:
Live it your way.
BY JEFF HADEN
http://www.inc.com/jeff-haden/the-perfect-way-to-say-no-and-make-it-stick.html?cid=em01016week28c
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