PERSONAL SPECIAL...THE BLAME GAME

THE BLAME GAME 

Can’t help pointing fingers at family and friends for your miseries?

Why you should quit doing so... 

    It’s common for most people to blame others for the problems and inconveniences they face in their daily lives — poor infrastructure, overcrowded trains, corrupt government officials, rising fuel and food prices, noise and pollution during festivals, bad TV shows and movies, the list is endless. But what about when you blame your parents, siblings, partners or friends for your unhappiness, shortcomings and problems — leading to anger, resentment and jealousy? Are you in the habit of playing the blame game? If yes, it is not healthy. Read on to find out why.

PARENTS OR ENEMIES?
T we n t y - e i g h t - ye a r- o l d Meghna Sharma, (name changed), a recruitment agency executive, blames her parents for everything. “I don’t know, but I feel that my parents are majorly responsible for whatever I have not achieved in life. They gave me education, but didn’t guide me when it came to choosing a good career. Just like my friends’ parents, they could have sent me abroad for higher studies, but they didn’t. Also, I truly loved my first boyfriend, whom I had met in college. I even lost my virginity to him, but he cheated on me. Guess that’s the reason why my romantic relationships have always failed — I can’t trust any man and don’t let anyone get too close,” she says.

DEFENCE MECHANISM
Most people look outwards when they face problems. It’s not that we are the reason for all our problems, but a lot of our difficulties could be traced back to what we believe. Our beliefs, in turn, influence our actions when faced with challenges. Clinical psychologist and psychotherapist Varkha Chulani says, “It’s simply an inability to take responsibility for one’s setbacks. Such people believe in an external locus of control and doesn’t want to accept how they play a role in their problems.” She adds, “It is a defence mechanism. By admitting that they played a role in their problems, they would end up hating themselves, which they don’t want.”

CAUSES
Consultant psychiatrist and sexologist Dr Dhananjay Gambhire says this is normal behaviour. It is a problem only when it becomes excessive. It is more common among middle-aged women in rural sectors, who are underprivileged and less educated.
    Chulani says people aggravate their problems when they blame fate, others or circumstances. A major reason could be poor learning during growing-up years, when, instead of asking the child to take responsibility for his/her failures, parents make excuses. For example, if a child failed, it’s because the paper was too tough or the teacher corrected too strictly. Very few parents teach their children to be objective when things go awry. However, sometimes, it could be a case of the other extreme, too. For example, when someone is constantly told ‘it’s all your fault’, he/she would start feeling everything is going wrong because ‘I am not good enough’. Such people may want to avoid blame after sometime and look for external factors like fate and circumstances. They look outward, because it gives them temporary solace.

REPERCUSSIONS
A major repercussion is that a person who blames others will never do anything to correct him/herself. So, there is poor growth, achievement and progress. In fact, a backward trend begins to ensue. It can be addictive, because addictions are nothing but bad habits repeated over time, warns Chulani.
    Blaming others is a way of solving problems, but if it becomes regular, it can increase problems and one might face anxiety, depression or panic. Others will also start avoiding such people, which will eventually increase their problems, says Dr Gambhire.

REMEMBER
Varkha Chulani suggests the following reminders to overcome self-defeating behaviour patterns:

• When I blame others for my misfortunes, it shows lack of education. When I blame myself for my misfortunes, its shows education has begun. When I blame neither others nor myself, it shows education is complete.

• Life is not about proving oneself. It’s about enjoying. If my goal is to enjoy life, why would I need defence mechanisms?

• Turn off the heat of blaming. Or else, you will singe yourself.

• To err is human, forgiveness leaves you sane and realistic.

Lisa Antao BT121026