Way to a man’s heart is through his career
It doesn’t matter how good a cook you are. The deal-breaker for the average man is whether you are excited about his career.
An American psychiatrist who has turned an age-old dictum on its head
AFTER winning the World chess championship for the fifth
time last fortnight against Boris Gelfand of Israel
in Moscow, when
Viswanathan Anand said wife-and-manager Aruna “has been a huge plus”, he wasn’t
just calling her the wind beneath his wings. Instead, Anand spoke of when they
were just-married, and Aruna knew squat about chess. But for several years now,
she has held fort.
Aruna may not have heard of Chicago-based clinical psychiatrist Dr Paul Dobransky, but she sure makes him sound like he is on to something with his latest theory. In a recent article in an American psychiatric journal, Dobransky argues, what the world has believed is a truism, (the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach) is flawed. The route is in fact, through his career; the battleground of his identity, the vessel for his sense of purpose, and worth in society.
The knowledge of this detail, can make or break relationships. “The one super deal-breaker on marriage and commitment unique to men is whether or not you are excited about their careers and dreams,” he says in an email interview.
The trick is in finding the balance. “Can you be involved while letting him be free to choose his strategy of battle when faced with a challenge at work? It’s neither total involvement, support and communication, nor utter absence from his professional life,” the psychiatrist says.
It’s perhaps this equilibrium that Anand was referring to when he said, “She (Aruna) has also realised how difficult the World Championship matches are. She knows when to say something and when not to.”
Breaking into a laugh at the way Dr Dobransky has dissed the stomach route for career, Aruna says it’s an art she has had to perfect over the years; and it took some doing. “I grew into this role. Within a year of my marriage, Anand had to play matches in the Netherlands and Switzerland. He was this close to winning when I realised that the game wasn’t quite over. He still had to battle some last-minute hurdles. I wanted to help. That’s when I decided I had to learn the game,” she says over the phone from Chennai.
Dr Dobransky says, the woman’s effort must be subtle. “To bulldoze in, to be physically present in the battle, as it were, will overwhelm him. Offer creative insight, strategic ideas, and let the offer stand.”
That’s where Aruna gets it right.
“I let him make his moves, and do not judge him. Also, when there are things I think he should know, I tell him matter-of-factly, without beating about the bush. And if there are things I believe he is better off not knowing when he is at a match, I leave them be,” she says. At the 2010 championship in Bulgaria, Anand learnt that his opponent, Veselin Topalov had access to high-end hardware. “I agonised over whether I should let Anand know. Finally, I decided to tell him, convinced that he needed the information in order to plan his game, keeping Topalov’s massive advantage,” she remembers.
For those who view the theory as sexist, offering the woman no more than a supporting role, Dr Dobransky clarifies, “It’s not to say, only men have careers. It’s simply saying that even in today’s modern culture of empowerment, where women can and will take on every career men do, there exists the ancient male instinct; just as the woman’s need to stand by rules.” And it doesn’t end there. Even once the man’s done winning the career challenge, he will crave his woman to share it with. “His greatest acts of valour don’t feel all that important, otherwise,” he says.
Aruna may not have heard of Chicago-based clinical psychiatrist Dr Paul Dobransky, but she sure makes him sound like he is on to something with his latest theory. In a recent article in an American psychiatric journal, Dobransky argues, what the world has believed is a truism, (the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach) is flawed. The route is in fact, through his career; the battleground of his identity, the vessel for his sense of purpose, and worth in society.
The knowledge of this detail, can make or break relationships. “The one super deal-breaker on marriage and commitment unique to men is whether or not you are excited about their careers and dreams,” he says in an email interview.
The trick is in finding the balance. “Can you be involved while letting him be free to choose his strategy of battle when faced with a challenge at work? It’s neither total involvement, support and communication, nor utter absence from his professional life,” the psychiatrist says.
It’s perhaps this equilibrium that Anand was referring to when he said, “She (Aruna) has also realised how difficult the World Championship matches are. She knows when to say something and when not to.”
Breaking into a laugh at the way Dr Dobransky has dissed the stomach route for career, Aruna says it’s an art she has had to perfect over the years; and it took some doing. “I grew into this role. Within a year of my marriage, Anand had to play matches in the Netherlands and Switzerland. He was this close to winning when I realised that the game wasn’t quite over. He still had to battle some last-minute hurdles. I wanted to help. That’s when I decided I had to learn the game,” she says over the phone from Chennai.
Dr Dobransky says, the woman’s effort must be subtle. “To bulldoze in, to be physically present in the battle, as it were, will overwhelm him. Offer creative insight, strategic ideas, and let the offer stand.”
That’s where Aruna gets it right.
“I let him make his moves, and do not judge him. Also, when there are things I think he should know, I tell him matter-of-factly, without beating about the bush. And if there are things I believe he is better off not knowing when he is at a match, I leave them be,” she says. At the 2010 championship in Bulgaria, Anand learnt that his opponent, Veselin Topalov had access to high-end hardware. “I agonised over whether I should let Anand know. Finally, I decided to tell him, convinced that he needed the information in order to plan his game, keeping Topalov’s massive advantage,” she remembers.
For those who view the theory as sexist, offering the woman no more than a supporting role, Dr Dobransky clarifies, “It’s not to say, only men have careers. It’s simply saying that even in today’s modern culture of empowerment, where women can and will take on every career men do, there exists the ancient male instinct; just as the woman’s need to stand by rules.” And it doesn’t end there. Even once the man’s done winning the career challenge, he will crave his woman to share it with. “His greatest acts of valour don’t feel all that important, otherwise,” he says.
Purba Dutt TL120617
No comments:
Post a Comment