Are you listening to your partner? Do you expect too much? Follow our seven-point agenda guaranteed to bring about a shift in your relationship with your spouse
PERFECT is too conclusive a word, pompous with a degree of finality that’s unexciting. So, let’s not ask anyone if they have a perfect marriage; perfection is not possible.
If you have a ‘good marriage,’ that is good enough. So, do you?
If you have never wondered about this, chances are you are as close to perfection as can be. For, you have accepted your spouse as an unquestionable part of your life, and that is more than half the battle won. However, if you worry often about the state of your relationship, you have acceptance issues. The reasons could be to do with your spouse, your own attitude, or with the chemistry between you two. Here are some tips that will help you cruise along smoothly.
1. Communication is critical
Talk to each other about your feelings, problems, thoughts, dreams and your present and future together. Discuss how you would like to deal with various issues and promote your togetherness. Listening is as important as talking. You don’t communicate with just words, but even through silence, gestures, touch, thoughtfulness, respect and attention to your partner. If at all there must be silences between you, let these be companionable rather than moody and sulky ones.
2. Don’t hang all expectations on one peg
Expectations can be a heavy cross to bear. Also, when you expect irrationally, you are bound to have major disappointments. Gauge rationally what you can expect from your partner and fulfill the rest of your needs from other aspects of life. Give your partner breathing space and learn to respect his/her differences.
3. Don’t avoid confrontations
Some arguments are good for a healthy marriage and making up later is always wonderful. Do not push issues under the carpet; air them out once in a while. When confronted by your partner, do not stonewall or react temperamentally. Rather, listen carefully and engage in a rational discussion, allowing space for talking as well as listening, and for compromise. Do not be abusive or physically violent, nor accept this from your partner.
4. Challenge hurtful behaviour
Very often we are too embarrassed or shocked to protest against behaviour that hurts or humiliates us. Most women in an abusive marriage confess they never protested, because they felt ashamed. Do not make that mistake. Refuse to be trampled upon or taken for granted. Be clear about your own needs, feelings and the things you will not accept in the relationship.
5. Make time for each other
Love grows with moments of togetherness and shared memories. Remember the warmth that courses through you when you talk about shared happy times with each other? Go out on dates and trips together. Carve out ‘together’ time within your home. Ensure that you do not use this time to air grievances; treat it as sacrosanct.
6. Learn to trust and respect
Do you nag? Are you overtly suspicious? These are sure ways to create problems in a marriage where there may be none. Be alert and intelligent, but do not swing your sword Don Quixote style, where there is no problem. A good way is to start out with trust and faith in your heart, unless you are faced with irrefutable evidence to the contrary.
7. Follow your dreams and create your own space
Your own happiness and contentment is one of the most critical ingredients of a happy marriage. Do not put your goals on the backburner. Take them with you as you go along. If you ignore your own ambitions, you will end up frustrated and vent your feelings on those around.
Marriage, like any other relationship, needs consistent attention. Draw your lines and lay down the rules, and then have a fun and secure relationship within your comfort zone.
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