Ways To Bounce Back
After Disappointment
Sad but true: Bad
stuff happens to all of us. Relationships turn toxic and die, trips to the HR
department end in pink slips and tears, loved ones become ill.
It hurts. It sucks.
And a lot of times, it's unfair. You'd like to think that you're the kind of
person who can suck it up and instantly recover, but the fact is, everyone
reacts differently to disappointment and pain. "Let it go" may make
for an inspiring (if irritatingly omnipresent) song lyric, but let's face it:
Landing on your feet and moving on is a lot easier said than done.
But here's the thing:
While none of us is totally in control of what happens in life, we can control
how we react to heinous situations. We asked experts for their best strategies
for moving on and bouncing back.
Follow these tricks
and you'll not only be able to rebound from disappointments -- you'll actually
end up a better, smarter, stronger person than before.
Pretend you're Serena Williams.
Think of any transition as a kind of major sporting event, says McGonigal. "Life is asking a lot of you, so take care of yourself in the same way that an athlete would prepare for an important competition," she says. "Think of it as self-care, rather than self-indulgence. By that I mean it should create health, help you sustain energy, or provide a true rest." Salmansohn opts for the second, tapping into the mind-body connection by reaching for the dumbbells. "It makes me feel empowered -- I'm like, Oh yeah!" she says. "There are studies that show when you're physically strong, you're emotionally strong."
Think of any transition as a kind of major sporting event, says McGonigal. "Life is asking a lot of you, so take care of yourself in the same way that an athlete would prepare for an important competition," she says. "Think of it as self-care, rather than self-indulgence. By that I mean it should create health, help you sustain energy, or provide a true rest." Salmansohn opts for the second, tapping into the mind-body connection by reaching for the dumbbells. "It makes me feel empowered -- I'm like, Oh yeah!" she says. "There are studies that show when you're physically strong, you're emotionally strong."
Create a distraction.
One of the reasons we feel so upset when life throws us for a loop is because we feel out of control. "Distractions help you re-gain some of that control," says Salmansohn. Choose something that you're good at -- a signature strength or passion, she says -- then put it on your calendar and do it. "The more stuff that you can write down on your to-do list and cross off, the more you'll feel in control," says Salmansohn. "Think of it as a stop-and-swap: 'Well, I couldn't control that, but I can control this.' You were the person who got dumped or got fired; now you're the woman who's a killer tennis player or someone who has the coolest Pinterest page in the world. You've got stuff going on! The point here is to remind yourself that there are other aspects to you as a person."
One of the reasons we feel so upset when life throws us for a loop is because we feel out of control. "Distractions help you re-gain some of that control," says Salmansohn. Choose something that you're good at -- a signature strength or passion, she says -- then put it on your calendar and do it. "The more stuff that you can write down on your to-do list and cross off, the more you'll feel in control," says Salmansohn. "Think of it as a stop-and-swap: 'Well, I couldn't control that, but I can control this.' You were the person who got dumped or got fired; now you're the woman who's a killer tennis player or someone who has the coolest Pinterest page in the world. You've got stuff going on! The point here is to remind yourself that there are other aspects to you as a person."
Some of the best
distractions, McGonigal says, are the ones that involve doing something
positive and constructive (in other words, nix the Netflix binge).
"Volunteer at a local charity, train for a 5K, even clean out your
closet," she suggests. "Basically, anything that involves moving
energy in a positive direction."
Pick up the phone.
Usually when we're going through a tough time or trauma, we tend to pull inward and push people away. Bad move. "You have to get yourself off that merry-go-round of not-so-merry thoughts," says Salmansohn. "When we're by ourselves, we tend to wallow and obsess. But studies show that people who seek out the comfort and safety of friends are the ones who recover fastest. Love does heal, so be around the people who love and support you." There's another good reason for reaching out, according to Gail Saltz, M.D., Health's contributing psychology editor: "Friends can help you recover by offering suggestions and advice that you may not have considered." And while you're at it, call home, OK? Scientists at the University of Wisconsin at Madison found that when women hear their mother's voice, it can reduce their stress hormones, producing an effect similar to a hug.
Usually when we're going through a tough time or trauma, we tend to pull inward and push people away. Bad move. "You have to get yourself off that merry-go-round of not-so-merry thoughts," says Salmansohn. "When we're by ourselves, we tend to wallow and obsess. But studies show that people who seek out the comfort and safety of friends are the ones who recover fastest. Love does heal, so be around the people who love and support you." There's another good reason for reaching out, according to Gail Saltz, M.D., Health's contributing psychology editor: "Friends can help you recover by offering suggestions and advice that you may not have considered." And while you're at it, call home, OK? Scientists at the University of Wisconsin at Madison found that when women hear their mother's voice, it can reduce their stress hormones, producing an effect similar to a hug.
Reframe your identity.
Don't let a bad situation define you. Boost your self-esteem by changing your identity and getting out of that victim mindset: "Think of yourself as a victor, not a victim," says Salmansohn. "Reassure yourself that whatever happens, you are the type of person who can get through it. Make it a point to say a mantra of positive -- not pitiful -- words whenever a defeatist attitude starts to creep in: I'm going to be OK. I'm strong. I have it within me to get through this and get to where I need to be." Another trick to get you in a positive frame of mind: "Realize that life is full of curve balls," Saltz says. "Look back and recall how you handled every one of them. What you'll realize: You got through them, and you can get through this."
Don't let a bad situation define you. Boost your self-esteem by changing your identity and getting out of that victim mindset: "Think of yourself as a victor, not a victim," says Salmansohn. "Reassure yourself that whatever happens, you are the type of person who can get through it. Make it a point to say a mantra of positive -- not pitiful -- words whenever a defeatist attitude starts to creep in: I'm going to be OK. I'm strong. I have it within me to get through this and get to where I need to be." Another trick to get you in a positive frame of mind: "Realize that life is full of curve balls," Saltz says. "Look back and recall how you handled every one of them. What you'll realize: You got through them, and you can get through this."
Give yourself a break.
Repair your ego by taking time for a personal -- and compassionate -- pep talk. "Focus on what's universal about your situation," says McGonigal. "Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone experiences rejection. Everyone knows what it's like to try and fail. All that your experience says is that you are human -- not that your life is uniquely screwed up." And stop projecting blame inward, Saltz says: "It's self-referential to think that the fault lies solely with you and not the other person. For example, maybe your relationship failed because your former partner was a commitment-phobe. You need to spot what someone else has brought -- or not brought -- to the situation."
Repair your ego by taking time for a personal -- and compassionate -- pep talk. "Focus on what's universal about your situation," says McGonigal. "Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone experiences rejection. Everyone knows what it's like to try and fail. All that your experience says is that you are human -- not that your life is uniquely screwed up." And stop projecting blame inward, Saltz says: "It's self-referential to think that the fault lies solely with you and not the other person. For example, maybe your relationship failed because your former partner was a commitment-phobe. You need to spot what someone else has brought -- or not brought -- to the situation."
Use the hurt.
Think of it as a kind of emotional adrenaline to make some changes in your life. "A lot of people are afraid of change or anything new and unfamiliar," says Salmansohn. "But when you're going through a crisis, suddenly the new and unfamiliar doesn't look as scary as the place you're in, so you're more open to change." Remember, the story of your life is a lot bigger than one single moment, "so imagine this moment as a turning point in the story that will propel you to something bigger and better," McGonigal says.
Think of it as a kind of emotional adrenaline to make some changes in your life. "A lot of people are afraid of change or anything new and unfamiliar," says Salmansohn. "But when you're going through a crisis, suddenly the new and unfamiliar doesn't look as scary as the place you're in, so you're more open to change." Remember, the story of your life is a lot bigger than one single moment, "so imagine this moment as a turning point in the story that will propel you to something bigger and better," McGonigal says.
Re-write
the story.
OK, it may sound a little hokey, but it happens to be true: As awful as your situation may be, there's something positive that can come out of it. McGonigal believes that "there's always an upside to change because it gives you an opportunity to make an intentional choice about what you want in life and who you want to be or become. Without major disruptions in our lives, it's easy to never really reflect on those things." Or, as Salmansohn says: "Ultimately, it's all about adopting a student mentality and searching for the good lessons. Happiness isn't about what happens to you; it's how you respond to what happens to you. Tell your story as a sad one and it will be a sad story; tell it as a happy one and it will be a happy story -- with a happy ending."
OK, it may sound a little hokey, but it happens to be true: As awful as your situation may be, there's something positive that can come out of it. McGonigal believes that "there's always an upside to change because it gives you an opportunity to make an intentional choice about what you want in life and who you want to be or become. Without major disruptions in our lives, it's easy to never really reflect on those things." Or, as Salmansohn says: "Ultimately, it's all about adopting a student mentality and searching for the good lessons. Happiness isn't about what happens to you; it's how you respond to what happens to you. Tell your story as a sad one and it will be a sad story; tell it as a happy one and it will be a happy story -- with a happy ending."
By Barbara Stepko
