Four Times You Shouldn’t Apologize (Including When
It’s Your Fault)
You can show your emotional intelligence by finding solutions, not yet
another “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry to bother you.”
“Hi, sorry I’m late.”
“Sorry!!!”
It’s no wonder people are always apologizing. “Sorry” is one
of the first words we learn as young children, and it keeps getting hammered
into us as adults. These days, leaders are coached to be sensitive,
empathetic, and concerned with
others’ feelings–all worthy, important attributes that a great boss (or
anyone with a shred of emotional intelligence) needs to possess. So with the best of intentions we go out of our way
to be nice and collegial–and wind up overdoing the mea culpas.
The risk in saying “sorry” too much is that apologies
carry baggage that can undermine others’ confidence in you. It’s often the
verbal equivalent of a hangdog face, downcast eyes, or slouching shoulders. Why
put yourself down? Here are four times you can take responsibility–and take
action–without having to be so contrite.
1. WHEN YOU’RE ASKING FOR THE FLOOR
Some people apologize right before they’re about to
speak up. Maybe that’s when you’re interjecting a point into a
conversation–“Sorry, if I could just add something?”–or responding to somebody
in a meeting: “Excuse me, I’d like to speak to Eric’s point.” But what exactly
are you sorry, or need to be excused, for?
Other times you may find yourself apologizing even when you’re the
one who’s just been
interrupted: “Sorry I wasn’t finished.” Getting a word in edgewise at
work can be challenging, but apologizing will only make you sound tentative and
less deserving of airtime. So just forego the apology and get right to
your point.
A similar thing even happens in voicemail greetings: “Sorry I’m
not here. Please leave a message” is a common refrain. Why should you be
sorry for not being there? You have better things to do than sit around and
wait for phone calls.
2. WHEN YOU’RE FEELING UNSURE OF YOURSELF
Whether or not you’re consciously aware of it, this type of
knee-jerk apology conveys the sense that you aren’t living up to others’
expectations or have failed in some way. The person who arrives late at a
meeting and breathlessly says, “sorry I’m late” may be well intentioned, but
sharing that thought delivers a negative and distracting message.
Sure, you want to acknowledge that you might’ve inconvenienced
your coworkers by making them wait around for you, but what’s the harm in
(respectfully) positioning yourself as someone who’s in high demand? Maybe you
had a competing appointment. Why not just say, “Thanks for waiting–I won’t keep
us longer than we’d originally planned, so let’s get right to it.”
Similarly, when your own presentation is running slightly
over the time limit, don’t say, “Sorry, I just have three slides left.” If you
feel you’ve used up all your time, just cut your
presentation short (something you should always be prepared to do, by the way)–often a better move than apologizing for making everyone
stay too long. And if you nearly bump into someone as you turn the corner,
don’t fall over yourself with “sorry”s–just smile and make them feel good about
the near encounter: “Ah, didn’t see you there! How’s it going!?”
There are always moments that make you feel vulnerable
and want to ask for forgiveness. I found myself struggling with a new
routine at the gym recently and uttered “sorry” to my personal trainer when I
couldn’t nail it right away. His generous response was, “It’s okay.” But
where did that get us? Nowhere except that I felt inadequate for longer than I
probably had to.
3. WHEN YOU’RE ABOUT TO DELIVER A ZINGER
You might be tempted to apologize
before delivering bad news, but that will only intensify the negativity and–even worse–swallow up
whatever notes of empathy with which you try to moderate it. For example,
in a statement like “I’m sorry to tell you the customer didn’t like the
idea we pitched,” the news that all that work ended up
getting rejected will totally overpower the softer-sounding preface.
Sometimes saying “sorry” in these tough situations can even
backfire: when you say, “I’m sorry to tell you that we’ll be
downsizing our group,” what sounds compassionate to you might
even ring false to your team members.
No apology can ever truly offset bad news. Instead, cut to
the chase and offer support in the form of guidance about the next steps you’ll
need to take. Actionable information, transparency, and leadership are all more
important–and genuinely empathetic–than verbal expressions of how bad you might
feel.
4. WHEN IT’S YOUR FAULT
Sometimes you really have done something wrong
that clearly warrants an apology. And in those situations, by all means,
take responsibility! But saying “sorry” might not always be the best way to do
that.
Suppose you know you won’t be able to meet a deadline you’d
initially set–a project is just taking longer than you’d expected. Should you
say to your boss, “I’m sorry, I won’t have that presentation ready on
Tuesday like I’d promised”? Maybe not. It’s certainly incumbent upon you
to explain that you won’t be able meet your commitment, but don’t miss
your opportunity to deliver that news as positively as you can: “I know we
discussed having the presentation ready by Tuesday, but there’s some critical information
that won’t be available until Monday, and I’d really like to include it.
So my goal is to have the presentation to you by the end of the week–how does
that sound?” This response is forward-looking and proactive.
In all these situations, there are often better ways to
communicate than by saying you’re sorry. Don’t drag yourself down. Show
your empathy and emotional intelligence by finding solutions, not apologies.
BY JUDITH
HUMPHREY
https://www.fastcompany.com/40444338/four-times-you-shouldnt-apologize-including-when-its-your-fault?utm_source=postup&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Fast%20Company%20Weekly&position=3&partner=newsletter&campaign_date=08042017
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