These 3 Questions Will Immediately
Increase Your Emotional Intelligence
An important life lesson is revealed
Emotional
intelligence (EI or EQ) is marked by a person's
ability to recognize and understand emotions (both his or her own and
those of others), and to use that information to guide decision making. It
includes demonstrating extremely complex qualities such as empathy,
sympathy, and compassion.
Of
course, these qualities help us to be better people. But they can also help youbreak your
worst communication habits, so
that others receive your message in the best way possible.
For example, have you said something recently
that you wish you could take back? For years, I struggled with the
weakness of speaking too quickly, without thinking things through.
Curbing that tendency is easier said than
done, but there's a quick "three question method" that can prevent
you from saying something you'll later regret.
The 3 Vital Questions
I discovered this brilliant strategy through
an unlikely source. I was watching an interview with comedian and television
personality Craig Ferguson, when he gave some very sage advice:
There
are three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything.
·
Does this need to be said?
·
Does this need to be said
by me?
·
Does this need to be said
by me now?
Ferguson says it took him three marriages to
learn that lesson.
Before you dismiss this method as simplistic,
think about how many antagonistic comments this would eliminate from
social media. Or, we can take it a step further and consider how
it might apply at work:
Let's
say you're a manager, and you've been working hard to improve the relationships
with certain individuals on your team. One day, you witness someone
doing something great at work, and you take advantage of the opportunity
to commend them. Great job! (Sincere,
authentic, and timely praise goes a long way in motivating employees.)
But suddenly, you remember how they
messed something up a few weeks ago. "I should bring that to their
attention, too," you reason. "Let me tell them before I
forget..."
No! Stop! Ask yourself:
Does
this need to be
said?
Does
it need to be said by me?
Does
it need to be said by me now?
True, constructive
criticism is best delivered soon after a mistake. But you've alreadymissed that boat. If you give that negative feedback now, it
will completely destroy whatever goodwill you built with your praise and
commendation. The person will think:
"So, essentially you just told me
something nice to soften the blow of what you really wanted to say. Jerk."
When you ask yourself the three questions,
you'll probably conclude one of the following:
·
You know, the criticism I wanted to share
wasn't so important after all. My opinion may even be changing on this.
·
It might be better if I speak to their team
leader first. Maybe what I saw a few weeks ago wasn't really the whole picture.
·
I definitely still need to talk to them about
the problem I saw. But now's not the right time. Let me set a reminder to
schedule an appointment with the person after I'm better prepared.
See how well it works?
This
is just one scenario, but practicing these three questions will help you in
various situations. Imagine if everyone did it: We would see far fewer (and
shorter) emails, shorter meetings, and fewer employee
complaints about others' inappropriate remarks...and yes, maybe even a few
saved romances.
Keeping It Balanced
Of course, I'm not discouraging speaking
up when appropriate. I strongly believe in honest and direct
communication, and there are times when the answer to all three questions will
be a resounding yes--even when what we need to say isn't comfortable for
us or the recipient.
When those times come, the three question
method will help you speak with confidence--and learn to be assertive when it
counts.
BY JUSTIN BARISO
http://www.inc.com/justin-bariso/these-3-questions-will-immediately-increase-your-emotional-intelligence.html?cid=em01016week08a
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